it’s 2 am and i feel alone

[mia_towneyy]

i suffer from anxiety and depression and when it’s night time and i’m by myself i think about all the trauma that has happened in my life and how low of a place i feel i am in right now. i am getting support and talking to psychologists and paediatricians but i still feel like i’m not doing good and nothing will get better. and i cant sleep when i’m having thoughts like these and being stuck in my own head even though i took my sleeping tablet. i catch myself being awake all night till early in the morning and it’s so unhealthy and exhausting. i feel like a waste of space a lot of the time even if people tell me i’m not. i feel like i’m stuck in this stage of my life and i honestly have no clue what to do with myself anymore. i don’t have any suicide plans but a lot of the times i feel like i don’t want to exist anymore and what is the point of being here. and i’m so scared to tell people that i know this because i don’t want to go to a psych ward or something. like i just don’t know, i’m so stuck in my own thoughts and it is so exhausting.

[Sophie_M]

Hey mia.towneyy

Welcome to our online community and thanks for sharing whats happening for you.
 
It sounds like you're really struggling feeling that things arent getting much better. We want you to know that you are important and not alone, many people struggle with mental health, particularly anxiety and depression and its not easy for anyone. We are here to provide you with extra support, advice and conversation as you need.

We also hope you know that there is always additional support available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).
 
We hope that you stay safe but strongly urge you that if you feel like acting on thoughts of ending your life, then this is an emergency and you should contact 000 immediately.

Please check-in and let us know how you are whenever you feel up to it.
 

[geoff]

Hello Mia.towneyy, thanks for posting your comment.

Sometimes it's possible when someone is talking to a psych or a paediatrician that the conversation just goes around and around in circles, may be because we feel guilty in telling them the whole truth or we don't feel as though we trust them, especially when we are having intrusive thoughts, those we certainly don't want to have, but unfortunately, we are, so we wonder how could they possibly believe us, but if this is a symptom of OCD, then please trust me, they understand.

I've had them myself along with many others and they're normally about some bizarre event that we dream about doing, but fortunately doesn't happen, except that the thought still persists and may be caused by different triggers, which need to be addressed.

If you're 25 years or under you can contact Kids Helpline 1800 55 1800 by phone, web chat or email, these are trained counsellors and may also help you.

Hope we can continue this when you're available.

Geoff.

[therising]

A warm welcome to you mia

I'm so glad you came here to express yourself, how you truly feel. My heart goes out to you as you examine and feel everything so incredibly deeply.

It's so so so important to vent at times, for a variety of reasons. I find one of the most important reasons involves trying to make better sense of things. There can be times where you could spend days or months or even years mulling the same stuff around in your head, trying to make sense of it all, and you just can't. There can also be times where you vent in the presence of someone who can relate, someone who feels just as deeply, someone who's committed to helping make better sense of things. Sometimes, it can simply involve venting with someone who encourages you to vent more, because more will help you in making greater sense of things. It's like they can bring out of you more pieces of a puzzle and help you put that puzzle together, in order to see the overall picture. Greater clarity can be mind altering in so many ways.

From my experience, people who have never experienced depression don't understand how incredibly painful not knowing can be. It can be torturous not knowing why we feel so deeply, not knowing why we see life from such a painful perspective, not knowing how to find the answers to so many questions. At times it can feel like hell on earth. You could say this is the reason I like to analyse the hell out of everything (so to speak), a process that can feel like it's taking forever at certain times. With every revelation comes a little less hell on earth.

I can imagine you'd love to be able to say to your psychs 'C'mon, let's speed up this process. I desperately need to find more heaven on earth'.

To feel so deeply is an incredible natural ability, although the ability to feel this deeply can also seem like a curse at times. To feel your thoughts can be, at times, overwhelming. To feel a lack of answers or progress can be just as overwhelming. To not be able to feel your purpose in life, while deeply painful and even heartbreaking, does not mean your purpose is not there. It simply means you cannot feel it. You'll know it when you feel it. Staying to find it can feel like the greatest of all life's challenges. Sometimes I believe perhaps our overall purpose for being here is...to understand our self. Our ability to do this changes over time and through experience.

🙂