It is time to go now

[Tiedinknots]

I lived too long. It is all too hard. I can't do this any more. I tried so hard to makenit work. To reach out of my old ways and try to find a place for love and compassion. To stop pulling back but I am just pushing those I care about away and hurting everyone I love by being alive. I wanted to engage the vast love in my heart, the thing I have hidden all my life to stop it being used to hurt me. But pain is all there is. The irony, that which I believed would make be be able to live again is killing me. The old pain is back. I am an embarrassment, a failure, a reject, I have lost myself and there is no way back. Just to surrender to the mission. I need toncomplete the job. I was afoot to believe it could be otherwise. O allowed myself the belief that I could have life again that it might just be an option. But no. I was so stupid to believe anyone could care, anyone was there for me. My wife hates me my friends and not real. They don't care. My mission was to holdnit all together to get my Child to adulthood and then I could be gone from the world, but I allowed myself to believe that there was another option. There is not. I want to die now. But I have to do my jobs

 Take care of the dog, run around for a wife that hasn't given a shit about me for 20 years

[therising]

Hi Tiedinknots

'I don't know how to live, under the circumstances' can be such an honest way of expressing our self and there's absolutely nothing wrong with admitting it. I think when no one prepares us for such an intolerable level of pain, confusion, sadness, sense of loss or hopelessness, it can feel impossible to face and raise our self out of. It's true, we're just not prepared for it in any way, shape or form. So, how are we meant to manage such a time? As a 53yo gal, it's taken me some decades to understand there are times where I just can't raise myself alone (without help), especially up and out of a deeply depressing experience.

'Love' is such a strange thing. I'd never felt the need to question it until the moment I did finally feel the need. The answer I found changed a lot of things in my life. It changed how I saw people, how I saw myself, how I felt my experiences in life and more. I had so many questions about love which came during a depressing time in my life. Some of them: 'Why don't/can't I feel love or loved at times? Why can't I give it in the ways people want me to? Am I broken? What's wrong with me, when it comes to love and other things?'. I found my own personal definition of love that's come to serve me while I was questioning the love I have for my kids. What came to mind was 'Why and how do you love your kids (18yo son and 21yo daughter) more than anyone else?'. Good question. I have so much love invested in them and their evolution. I will actively love them through challenges they face, not leave them alone to face those challenges. I will love them to life through helping find solutions to their challenges and through opening my mind in order to find those solutions. I will lead them to laughter, a sense of self love, a sense of wonder, a need to question and so much more. Love, in my mind, is found in evolution, in more ways than one. And this is how I feel them loving me to life. Then came the shocker, the real wake up call...while there are people in my life who claim to love me, they're more inclined to leave me alone when I'm depressed, rather than actively raise me to make better sense of my challenges and feelings. Such people don't actively love me, they're simply all talk, and that is why I can't feel love coming from them. I should add, I was so relieved to know I wasn't 'broken', I can actually feel when true love is not there.

You definitely sound like you deeply love your child, based on your investment in their evolution into adulthood. They will always need you, when it comes to them continuing to evolve. They will need help in someone raising them through adult relationships, perhaps with the challenges of being a parent, maybe through financial challenges, emotional challenges and so much more. I've found that through opening my mind and heart for my kids through their challenges, they have been raising me in a whole variety of ways. Kids tend to raise their parents, without their parents fully realising. They can raise us to find who we truly are. With a sense of identity developed through the ways we've come to serve them, we can say 'I am an actively loving person, I am a deeply caring person, I am an intensely feeling person, a patient person, a thoughtful person' and the list goes on. We can find our 'I am' through them.