Intrusive thoughts help and shutting down

[RnM]

I'm new to posting on forums but could do with some support and advice, I'm sorry it's a bit of a long read but I didn't really know how to condense it any further... I'm young with a successful career that I had to work hard for, own my own home, have 2 wonderful dogs and live right on the beach but I'm not happy. I'm never happy. I just want to sleep and not wake up. I'm not actively suicidal (although I have been in the past), I just don't want to have to do anything anymore. The best way to describe it I think is that I just want a break from life. It's almost like I have too much. I don't want the responsibility of my job, I don't want to have to deal with looking after myself let alone my dogs, I need everything to stop so that I can stop for a bit. I have tried to explain this to my psychologist and either she doesn't understand what I am saying or I'm not understanding how we are working on it because I still don't know what to do. I constantly have to fight to ignore the intrusive self harm thoughts that are constantly there either nagging at the back of my mind or yelling at the front of my thoughts. I don't want to go back to self harming after working so hard to break that habit but recently it feels more and more like a good option that would just provide some relief. I'm open to any advice but what I think would be really helpful is any unique or new ideas on how to avoid or replace self harm when I have no energy or motivation to do anything. I feel like I have heard everything and tried basically all of it before but this is sort of my last ditch effort at scrambling for ideas that I might not know of before I run of energy. I really don’t have a support system especially from my family, I'm very socially isolated and just don't interact with people because it's too hard and I don't know how anymore.

[Sophie_M]

Hi RnM,
 
Thank you for posting and joining the Beyond Blue Community. We are a community that mutually supports one another through the difficulties of life and mental health. We hope you can find what you are looking for today.

It sounds like you are in a really difficult place at the moment and feel that you have tried everything. We can imagine you must feel totally exhausted and do not feel that the support you are receiving is enough for you at the moment.
 
What type of support do you think you need today?
 
If you were able to speak to your psychologist or family to help them understand what you need, what would you say to them?
 
Would you be open to giving your psych feedback on the lack of connection your are experiencing during your sessions?
 
If you would like to talk to someone we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

We also strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

Please feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it.

[Isabella_]

Hi there,

Please don't apologise for the length of your message. This is a safe, non judgmental space for you to let out as much as you need to. We're all here to listen.

It sounds like you're very burnt out with everything at the moment. Not having a support system around you sounds like it's making everything a lot harder for you. How long have you been feeling this way for, and how long have the recent thoughts of self harm been there?

[Petal22]

Hi RnM,

Wellcome to our forums!

Im so sorry you have been feeling this way.

Im really sorry to hear of your intrusive thoughts I understand that intrusive thoughts can be really hard to deal with especially when they feel as though they are yelling at you and are on repeat…. It’s horrible I understand…..

I went through severe anxiety OCD while I went through this condition I had horrible dark intrusive thoughts that were on repeat they really overwhelmed me until I learned how to master my condition.

Do you feel as though you are suffering with anxiety as well when you have these thoughts?

I was diagnosed with OCD by a psychiatrist after diagnosis this then led me to a clinic that specialised in OCD…. I did group therapy at this clinic the therapy I did was meta cognitive therapy this therapy changed my life! It took time and perseverance to practice what I was taught but now I have mastered it…

with my condition I was stuck in an OCD cycle my anxiety was very high at a point in my condition and I believe this high anxiety bought on the horrible dark intrusive thoughts.

I have now made a full recovery from OCD I no longer get caught up in its cycle, my severe anxiety is gone and my horrible dark intrusive thoughts have lifted! Life on the other side of it is amazing!

Maybe you could look into Metacognitive therapy and see if it’s a fit for you.

Have you been able to speak to your gp about the way you are currently feeling? When I first starting experiencing severe anxiety my gp put me on a antidepressant to help me to manage my anxiety.

I understand when you say you just want everything to stop for a bit….. do you think it could be because your mind seems to race? Everything seems busy? Out of control feeling?

In my experience with severe anxiety every thing would feel like it was going so fast, I was constantly exhausted even just sitting down I felt exhausted because my mind just wouldn’t stop…

Have you ever tried meditation? Meditation is a great practice it taught me that I’m not my thoughts but the watcher of my thoughts I believe this practice got me over the line.

Have you ever tried grounding techniques?

When you have the self harm thoughts try to redirect your attention to something in the present moment.

Practice being … present ( not in your head)…

When your at the beach with your dogs try practicing to be really present there in the moment…

Im here if you want to chat or ask questions

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear RnM,

A very warm and caring welcome to the forums..

It really does sound like you are struggling with burn out, with all the hard work you’ve done to have what you have achieved is a credit to you....but along the way it sounds like you have forgotten about your own self care..

I’m wondering if you have taken time to sit on the sand and do nothing but watch the ebb flow of the waves while listening to the sea gulls and waves, feeling the wind on your face and smelling the fresh salty air, watching your beautiful fur babies running around on the sand or in the water, at all while you were working so hard?..

Sometimes I feel that we forget about ourselves and we forget that life is not only about work....but it’s also about us..our self care, stepping away from the drudgery of work and taking the time to relax and let nature heal our mind and soul..

It’s really very important to start caring for you now...

My kindest thoughts with my care dear RnM..

Grandy..

[RnM]

I am feeling very burnt out and just generally overwhelmed and tired. I have self harmed for years but up until recently had been self harm free for a bit over 12 months. The thoughts started creeping back in around 4 months ago and I did slip up around 3 months ago and then again a month ago and then I was fine for the past month but this past week the thoughts are back with a vengeance. Part of what makes it so hard/frustrating is I know now that I can just not do it because I did for over a year but that doesn't help in the moment when that thought is almost all consuming.

[RnM]

Thanks for your reply petal22, I definitely understand what you are saying with the anxiety/OCD cycle, that has definitely been a big issue for me in the past and I'm guessing that is playing a role now. I am on a well monitored combination of medication under a psychiatrist so in reality I have all the team there with a good GP, a great psychiatrist, a good psychologist and I've done the CBT and DBT courses over the years but for whatever reason it just isn't enough.

[Petal22]

That’s ok RnM,

It sounds like you have a great team of professionals which is great.

I understand what you are saying that with the therapy you have done just isn’t enough.. with OCD and it’s vicious cycle this cycle needs to be pin pointed you need to be taught and know what your OCD cycle is…… once you learn this you can learn how to disengage from all of the behaviours that keep you in its vicious cycle. And you really can learn this and be free of it….. I’m living proof of this ……I was once living in an internal hell because I was stuck in the OCD cycle it was horrible…. and very cruel!

But now I’m free because I know how not to get caught up in the vicious cycle of OCD and I know how to disengage from its cycle if I need to… I in this because I have been taught it..

I’ve been recovered for 4 years now… you can recover too and live your best life.

I highly recommend you do a therapy for OCD mine was a intervention into the OCD the therapy was metacognitive therapy I highly recommend it! I was taught many wonderful tools in this therapy aswell.

There were another 10 in my group with the same condition.. your not alone…

Maybe have a chat to your psychiatrist or psychologist to see if they know of a OCD Metacognitive therapy in your area…. I believe OCD is a specialised area..

Do your professionals understand the vicious cycle of OCD? Some don’t …if you need me to elaborate on the cycle please let me know.

I think you can break free you just need the correct treatment.. like I have had….

You can learn to fly

Im here to chat

[Isabella_]

I hope you can be patient with yourself and realise that recovery isn't a linear process.. Relapse happens, and the fact that you went a whole 12 months without self harming is amazing and shows you have true strength. Relapsing or having these thoughts come up again doesn't mean you're a failure at all, and I hope you can come to see that. This way of thinking can become a part of you forever, and I've had to accept that also.

I'm curious.. What were some of the things during the 12 months that helped you to manage any urges you had?

Could you pinpoint whether there have been any changes in the last 4 months, or this week, that may have contributed to these thoughts coming back? It's okay if there isn't, and sometimes the only change we can see is in our mood.

I'm not sure if you've tried keeping rubber bands or hair ties on your wrist and flicking them, that really helped me. It creates the same adrenaline without any damage.. And it can be a helpful thing to do in the moment when the thoughts are all consuming and you can't get yourself out of it.