Intrusive suicidal ideation… How do you stop the thoughts?

Lost_In_Sydney · ‎16-02-2023

Hi. I’m a 37yo medically retired nurse with cPTSD and a chronic neuropathic pain condition. I have an amazing team of clinicians but I seem to be getting worse. Currently completely lost and waiting on a bed at a psych clinic, in part to start a new type of antidepressant and mood stabilizer. I truly believe my husband and family would be better off without me, I’m a burden that they do not need. Only thing stopping me is that my parents have already lost one child already and I don’t know if I can do it to them. My brain takes snapshots of anything I see related to ending my life. Instead of just one plan, I now have six well thought out plans and they run through my head like a movie and I’m the viewer watching myself die again and again. My family has no idea about my SI, my husband knows very little and doesn’t really ask questions- I think he’s possibly afraid of the answers. I only leave my house for appointments and I only leave my bed when necessary. I don’t have a life so what’s the point in continuing?

Eagle Ray · ‎17-02-2023

Dear Lost In Sydney

The snapshots and ideation you describe sound very much like what I’ve been experiencing on and off over the past 4 months, so I really empathise and understand it’s a horrible experience.

What seems to be helping me at the moment is knowing that things can and do change, and that those kinds of experiences are just when we are temporarily stuck. It just doesn’t feel temporary when we are stuck in the midst of it.

What’s helped me, and I just mention it in case it helps you, is knowing that often it’s not really that we want to die but we just don’t want to suffer and struggle anymore. And because everything’s in flux, it is very possible for things to greatly improve and to move towards healing. As I type this I’m sitting in a peaceful spot under a tree and I can feel my nervous system decompressing. But two days ago I was playing the kind of snapshots in my mind over and over again that you describe.

Sometimes we need a lot of rest and recovery. I’ve also found that SI can happen when part of us is changing or being let go of. It can feel like we are coming to an end, but sometimes something in us is ending rather than the whole of us which can feel so painful. But that part is not the whole of us. It might be a traumatised part, an aspect of grief, a struggle to cope when overwhelmed etc. But underneath is the core you - a valuable, worthy human being.

I’m sure your family do not feel they’d be better off without you. I think we also can worry about being a burden, but it’s absolutely ok to ask for and receive help, something that’s taken me a long time to know how to do.

I have past trauma and chronic pain too, and yes it makes life truly hard at times. No doubt you have really persevered to get through life up to this point, but see if you can truly rest now and know you are cared for and safe.

Sending you peace, healing and kind thoughts.

therising · ‎19-02-2023

Hi Lost_In_Sydney

My heart truly goes out to you as you manage so many forms of overwhelming pain.

Chronic pain can be so deeply impacting in so many ways. As I help my mum who's in her 80s manage the physical challenges that come with a painful degenerative spinal condition, I also help her through times of deep depression. As you'd know, it's not just about trying to manage the exhausting depressing nature of chronic pain, it's also about identity. 'I was someone who was able to do all those things (that is who I was), now I'm someone who can't do all those things'. The grief involved in such identify shifts can be deeply depressing.

Is the cPTSD's linked to the chronic neuropathic pain or is that something completely separate? If it has been linked, there's an interesting woman named Irene Lyon. She works with nervous system conditions and trauma.

Having managed depression over the decades, I've come to see it as an altered state of consciousness to some degree. If everyone around me leaves me in that state, as opposed to wondering why I'm in it, I remain in that state until someone or something eventually leads me out. For example, if doctors had wondered much earlier about what turned out to be depressing levels sleep apnea and B12 deficiency, I wouldn't have remained depressed for as long as I did before being treated. If people close to me had wondered about the impact of miscarriage, as opposed to saying 'You should be over it by now', I wouldn't have remained depressed for as long as I did. List goes on when it came to people not wondering enough. In a state of being fully conscious of all the ways you can imagine leaving this world, there has to be someone/something to lead you out. How that looks, not sure. Could it involve a lot of time and focus consuming research outside the square when it comes to wondering about pain management? How about someone wondering with you? Could medical cannabis be something worth researching, how it impacts nervous system conditions and mental health? Australia's given the go ahead for MDMA treatment, for treatment resistant depression and PTSD. Could that be worth wondering about? Typically what leads me outside the square is pure desperation, when not a single thing inside of it has worked.