Intellectual existence

[alasdayr]

I have been living the treadmill for a while now.  I have a nice house, a stable job, a faithful wife that cares about me and our family and an adult daughter.

Following a bout of major depression, I have anhedonia (avolition, but no anergia).  I have energy to get things done that I see need doing.

Nothing makes me feel good more than momentarily.
Most pleasurable activities make me crave discomfort (or worse).
My mood is generally flat and I do not feel much in the way of emotion (happy, sad, angry, jealous, etc..).
I have nothing I want to achieve.
I have nothing that I want to do.
I have nowhere I want to go.
I have no people I want to meet.
Helping others does not make me feel good.
Achieving things seems hollow.
I have no fear of dying.
I have no fear of pain (also a very high pain tolerance).
About most things I truly do not care.

I have an entire alphabet of mental health conditions diagnosis (ASD, CPTSD, OCD, BPD, MDD, PDD).  I have had another alphabet worth of treatment (CBT, DBT, EMDR, ACT, Schema, TMS).  Some are still ongoing.

I have an upbringing of care for family and self sacrifice.  I take care of myself so I can do things for family so they remain comfortable.  Its all done by rote.  I have been taught/trained over my treatments not to self harm.  I often think about it...  These thoughts do not worry or disturb me.  I keep busy so I don't dwell on them.  My family wants and needs me.

I have been in constant mental health care over the past 4 years.  I have been in hospital numerous times.  I have been on (and am now off) antidepressants.  I regularly see psychologists and a psychiatrist.  I will ask my psychiatrist for another round of TMS next time we meet.

I have a lot to be thankful for.  I have more than a lot of people.  I am in good physical health.  I seem to avoid misfortune.
I don't feel worthy of my good fortune.



Is this as good as it gets?
 

[alasdayr]

Sorry for the delay in responding.

My professional skillset is deep, broad and historical technical knowledge around a specific commercial computer system.  This knowledge encompasses programming, architectural, operational, project management and consulting skills.  (You would be hard pressed to find a computer language or operating system I have not worked with).

Do I celebrate achievements? I find it hard to do so because this involves rewarding yourself with something you want (possession, cuisine, experience, etc..). There is nothing I feel I want.  There are no mementos, keepsakes or items I desire.  Food and I have an uneasy relationship at the moment.  Most experiences feel hollow or flat.

I am trying to go a little easier on myself.  I usually shower cold, but tried a warm(er) shower this evening after a walk.  Didn't feel "clean" afterwards.  I suppose it will take some getting used to.

Work is getting busier.  Still struggling to care though.  Past perfectionism means that even my "getting by" level of effort is usually more than enough.  Its easy to cope with conflicting personalities when you don't give a rats.  If I can't work with people, I work around them, it just takes a little longer.  No real stress.

Recently, I notice, I have been thinking about SI a lot more than usual.  No plan to act though.

Still no luck in the search for good emotions.  Rarely having bad ones either now.  Will book in for TMS refresher at the recommended 3 months at my next psychiatrist appointment later this month.

Will keep walking the treadmill of life, looking for meaning and hope.  Sure feels dark at times.

Alasdayr

[smallwolf]

OK. Very Interesting... Actually... WOW! I say that because I was a software developer - at least from the 90s to "recently". Yes, I sort of speak in past tense. In 2017 things took a turn for the worse for me as I would have panic attacks each morning. This occurred just before and as I would check email. I would anticipate the worst in each email. The reasons why ... there is little point in chatting about that here. That was when I started to see a psychologist. 

When it comes to writing software I was/am a perfectionist also. 

Today I work P/T as elsewhere to help pay the bills and otherwise slowing trying to get back into IT in a mentoring way. I have done tutoring. But I digress.

The way I looked at software was like maths - a right answer and a wrong answer. The program works or it does not. And this lends itself to black and white thinking also. But as the years go by and you work on more, and complexity increases ... your level of expectation and perfectionism increases - at least it did for me. But it got to a point where I could no longer cope! 

I'm not as bad as those years ago. I call myself a work in progress.

[alasdayr]

smallwolf,

I can understand and appreciate where you are coming from.  Expecting the worse from each interaction (email, meeting, phone conference, etc...) is draining and anxiety inducing.   Sounds like you have progressed significantly already and "work in progress" is a good term.

I see computers as both solutions and problems.  The combination of all the different running programs tends to be like an orchestra and my job is like a conductor.  I often need to find out out who's playing out of time or off key.  Occasionally I need to write interlude parts to make the entire piece by the orchestra seem harmonious.  There is a saying that "To err is human, but to make a million mistakes per second requires a computer".

As for the perfectionism side.  For me it's not about making a program that is perfect.  It's making one that solves a defined problem as simply and elegantly as possible within the limits imposed.  Efficiency and maintainability are king.  I learned early on that the problem can change and that the solution much change to match the problem.

Where I currently struggle is finding the point behind why I do what I can do.  I can keep calm and focused in highly stressful situations.  I can find creative solutions under time and social pressure.  With my depth and breadth of computer systems knowledge, this makes me commercially valuable.

I seem to have gone in a different direction from you.  I don't expect, or even fear, bad news.  I simply don't care.  It's apathy, the opposite of anxiety.

This apathy extends to myself.  I do what my family needs me to do.  I work.  I keep healthy.  I try improve my mental health.  I help around the house.  There is just no joy.  Little emotion at all.  At times I long for an escape, but nowhere to escape to.  No places, no people, no desires to fulfil, no dreams to chase, no hope for better.  At times, discomfort is the only thing that feels.  However, there are things I will not do.  So I remain.  The treadmill continues.

Alasdayr

[smallwolf]

thank you for kind words in your reply to me.

I think I might have mentioned this you but I when my journey started I had major depression, major anxiety and SI. I also (IMO) had a extreme sense of apathy - it was a case of the why bother?!? I did not find any value in what I was doing. I could not see how it was "helping" anyone. And as I said... I was anticipating problems. If there was no email, thought there was an email problem. There was a certain lack of support from work at the same time. I also believed in honesty. And this creates a spiral effect. 

Can I ask ... when did you start (or how long) have you been in this line of work?

My "why bother" statement was a partially from how I perceived changes in the IT world from the 80s to now. Leave that for another time if you are interested.

And my last question ... are you always on the go? Not allowed to slow down? Or don't allow yourself to? Just curious.

[smallwolf]

Just checking in to see if you are still around and OK?

Listening if you want to chat.

[alasdayr]

Thanks for checking in.

Still struggling.  Pleasure is still being elusive.  Keeping up with work and family requests.  Every day the treadmill continues.

I still achieve and get things done.  I solve difficult puzzles in the video games I play.  I solve technical and personnel issues at work.  I keep busy and try walk every day.  Still don't know why.

To celebrate achievement, you need a something that makes you feel rewarded.  The problem is finding something that feels rewarding.  Still looking.

Will be booking in for a refresher course of the TMS in early July.  Probably only a week.  The emotions that the last treatment bought forward have all but faded into the background.

Still working monthly with my psychologist.  He says that once a month is too to infrequent to do the work required.  However, the MHCP funding only covers 10 sessions a year.  I was willing, or easily able to pay for more frequent sessions.  In doing schema work in my last session, I think my psychologist (and I) got a glimpse into how far I have to go.  Trying to mediate the worst of my overcontroller modes will be an enormous task.  Literally trying to change the habit of a lifetime.

Anyway.  Must sleep now.  More of life's treadmill demands need to be attended to in the morning.  If only to keep my family in the style to which they have become accustomed to.

Alasdayr

[smallwolf]

Hey! Good to hear from you. 

There is always much I can reply to from your post. Perhaps the bits I want to pick on today are a little selfish? You mention solving difficult puzzles. Can I ask you what games have these? I would love to know of some games that have real puzzles.

The other thing I wanted to reply to is in relation to "finding something that feels rewarding"  and I wanted to ask whether after you solve a problem, whether in a game or at work, do you get a small smile on your face? In those moments.... maybe that is the thing looking for some sort of reward? Of course, it has taken me 6 or 7 years to understand this. There have been many sessions with my psychologist where I would just move from one task to the next without any feelings of satisfaction. 

For example, I have been writing a game... it's just a word search type game which I am doing for myself and if anything else comes from this then good! What was happening is that sometimes when a user (me) starts a new game it would just hang. Today, I was able to work out the cause, write a fix and no more program hanging. This gave me cause to smile - I still have the ability to debug and solve a problem in software.  (I was/am a sw. dev and this led down a dark path.) What happened today increased by belief in myself. But if it was not for constant reminders from my psychologist I might not have seen this!

Lastly, I agree that it sucks that you can only get 10 sessions (again). I have also used my private health when I had to. One thing that I used to do was give my psychologist a dump of my journal to read before (?) or at the start of a session - much faster than speaking out loud and lets her determine what we might talk about. I guess learning patience also helped for me. Or acceptance. 

I do and have wished that mental health can be resolved like a broken arm. Sadly it does not work that way. Listening and hope the days since you posted the above and now. 

[alasdayr]

smallwolf,

Really glad that you find things that foster a belief in yourself.  Successfully using skills that you once thought were lost must feel good.

Puzzle games that I have been playing recently are "Patrick's Parabox" and "The Talos Principle".  They deal with recursion, infinity and 3D problem solving.  About to start on "The Talos Principle 2".  I found a bundle pack of puzzle games a few months back and been slowly working my way through them.  I played through "Ever Forward" too, but some of the puzzles in that required solutions that relied on inconsistent mechanics.

Problem solving is a big part of my work.  It is an uncommon skill that takes management to keep sharp.  I used to find it highly rewarding, but now it feels very common place.  Also found that anti-depressants severely dampen this ability.

Occasionally when finally solving a particularly challenging problem, one where you needed to change direction from a previous course of thinking, these bring a brief smile.  Those moments are few and far between.  The problem is that there is no reliable or predictable way to produce these moments.

You often see advice of enjoy a walk in nature, eat a favourite food, listen to some favourite music, spend time with friends, take a warm bath, etc... for small doses of pleasure.  What if your small doses of pleasure (lasting seconds), take hours of intense concentration trying to find something you don't already know?

I am grateful for all I have.  I have a good, supportive, family.  I have work that provides income for my family.  I have housing and a place to sleep.  I have food.  What I lack is a reason to continue beyond providing for family.

I work tirelessly on myself.  I try to maintain my health and capacity to earn.  Where I see an area for improvement, I try to work on that (be more organised, be more sensitive to others needs, try see things from others perspective, use better language, etc..).

I understand mental health is not like physical health.  You cannot splint a neuron to make it heal in the right direction in 8 to 12 weeks.  Would be great if you could.  With mental health you cannot even physically see the problems.  They are only evident through behaviors.

I use my private health to access TMS and inpatient services.  That at least is covered.  Rebated MH services I can afford.  Non-rebated services I cannot afford.

My psychologist has not suggested journaling.  I currently do not keep a journal.  In psychology we are working on schema.  However it seems to be two steps forward, then two steps back with the frequency available.

Alasdayr

[smallwolf]

Hope you don't mind a very short reply .... Could it be 2 steps forward and 1.5 steps backward?

(That is, progress might be made but you don't see it - I would think in black and white terms. And still do sometimes and if something "bad" happened I would say it felt like a reset - the goal line was so far away.  But we each have to find what works for us individually.)

[alasdayr]

No problems with the short answer.

More accurate description, I think, would be; 2 steps forward, 1 step backward in 1 week, 0.5 step backward next week, 0.25 step backward next week, etc..  It's more a slow slide and the longer the interval between psychology sessions, the further back towards last sessions starting point I feel I get.

It's also likely why regular TMS "top up" sessions are recommended.  TMS I see as EMS for the brain.  EMS strengthens atrophied muscles by using electricity to externally signal repeated use.  Parts of my brain seem to have forgotten how to activate and need external help.  TMS seemed to re-awaken some emotions, but life coping habits built over decades, slowly shuts them back down again.

Through school and career I've been taught to prioritize and do what is most important first.  Working out what is most important that needs doing is the real trick.  I find regularly put others wants ahead of my needs.  As for my wants, apart from fulfilling my families wants, I am at a loss for what they are.

Better wrap this up here as other's wants require my attention.  It also keeps me busy.

Alasdayr