Insanely Insecure

[stell_a178]

Hey all,

just wanted to come on here because I’m having a really hard time living atm. 
not a single minute goes by where I am not hyper focused on my looks (body, face etc). I am constantly nitpicking everything about myself, especially when I’m near a mirror. It’s starting to really impact my mental health. I truly believe that no one will ever love me because of the weight I’ve gained. I always feel the need to seek validation from family. I can’t look in a mirror without seeing and feeling disgusted. 

it’s gotten to the point where I’m having negative thoughts. I’ve tried to seek help but it’s going nowhere. I’m seeing a psychologist, and I have tried medications, but they only make me put on even more weight. In a way I feel stupid for just focusing on myself, like I’m vain or something. But I’ve tried distracting myself - even at work - and nothing is working anymore. I don’t know what to do. 
 

stella

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Oh boy, so sad, all my life I've battled weight gain. Furthermore up to 26yo I was a negative thinker... then my whole world got a shake up within 30 minutes and it changed my life.

It's great you are getting help, but help, can come in many guises. Psychological help is a good one, well done, but also advice from others and here can be life changing. To alter your mindset, which is what the issues are we can do so much ourselves if pointed in the right direction. For example- seek out motivation courses or lectures. 
Read on the internet  about low self esteem, read, read, read. Some decisions you need to make with the help of your GP.

I've tried diets all my life and my wife also, I'm 67yo. 3 months ago my GP put me an injection program (cant mention what sort due to rules here) and I've lost 11kg. Also I hope to lose much more as my appetite is all but gone. So, ask your GP.

With your low self esteem and vanity problems there is much work to do because inner change is needed. Your psychologist is the exact person to go through such issues. But what you can do yourself is listed in the following threads. We have a great library here, just type in a topic word and you'll get plenty of reading.

You've come to the right place, we are open 24/7/365 so just reply or post and wait till someone replies back.

 https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/depression/obesity-and-mental-anguish/td-p/503405 

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/acceptance-is-this-our-biggest-challenge/td-p/14769...

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/30-minutes-can-change-your-life/td-p/154525

We also have a thread you can participate in that could be beneficial.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/do-you-like-yourself-your-thoughts-are-welcome/td-p...

What do you think? Are you ok?

TonyWK

[therising]

Hi stell

Not sure if it's possible but do you think you can gradually learn to redefine how you see yourself, perhaps with some guidance from people who have managed to do this in ways you could relate to? I often think 'No point point trying to develop skills in ways that are impossible to relate to'.

I found, when it comes to the way I appear to myself, the inner dialogue can become one of the greatest challenges. One of the ways I've come to relate to inner dialogue comes from asking the question 'Okay, which facet of myself am I dealing with here?'. If it's my inner critic that I'm channeling when I'm standing in front of the mirror, it'll sound like 'What the heck happened to you over the years (I'm a 53yo gal)? How could you have let yourself go so much? You look horrible. Look at that gut, look at those wrinkles' and on and on it goes. On the other hand, if I'm channeling my inner commander, that part of me will sound more like 'Okay soldier, time to get your act together. No excuses! You are going to lose that weight, take better care of your skin, dye that hair and stand in front of this mirror with a 'Can do' attitude, not the attitude of a victim'. Two very different states of mind with the first being depressing and 100% believable on occasion and the other being a commanding part of me demanding I take direction and create the changes I wish to see. Btw, my hair is a combo blue, green and purple at the moment.

The other thing is...when I stand in front of the mirror, I see it as a reflection of what I'm happy with, what I'm not happy with and what needs to change. Being a major feeler who feels just about everything, I can say 'How do I feel about my almost completely grey hair?'. The answer may be 'It makes me feel about as colourless as what I feel on the inside'. When I colour it, I feel like I'm looking at a colourful person. When I look at my overweight body, it leads me to feel unhealthy. Having lost a lot of weight in the past, when I looked in the mirror it became a reflection of greater health. So it's not about the weight or what people think of me, it's about the mirror reflecting my level of health. I did end up putting all that weight back on again and the inner dialogue changed from 'You should be proud of all your effort to return to greater health' to 'Have a look at you now, you're hopeless and pathetic'. I know it's the inner critic talking and not the truth. The absolute truth is we are not hopeless or pathetic, we are a work in progress as we learn to manage our triggers, our challenges and our call to follow the path toward gradually becoming the best version of our self. It can be such a challenging path at times with some occasional dark parts, where it can be so hard to see the way forward in the dark. The best guides are the ones who'll light the way ahead for us. As you walk your path, find your guides.❤️

[stell_a178]

hey white knight,

thanks for your kind words and support. I will definitely visit those threads, and I will start reading 🙂
stell x

[stell_a178]

hey therising,

I definitely have an issue with my “inner critic”, and have had for a while now. I understand that I need to change my mindset, I just find that when I’m sad or tired it’s harder to change the way that I talk/think/feel about how I look or how healthy I am. 

I appreciate the personal touch to your message, and thank you for reaching out.

stell x

[white knight]

Tiredness is an under rated problem. About 14 years ago, a chronic snorer,  I had a sleep study that found I had moderate sleep apnoea.... meaning I'd stop breathing a certain many times an hour. Hence I had to use a CPAP that stopped that. It has worked and we notice when I am tired prior to sleeping I'm more snappy.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/a-good-nights-deep-sleep-sleep-apnea-and-cpap/td-p/...

TonyWK

[therising]

Hi stella

Can relate to the inner critic and all those other challenging facets thriving when I'm tired and down. Once my energy levels hit a certain point, those facets tend to come to life more. One of the ways I try to manage depression is through my energy levels. Easier said than done at times as sometimes we just can't see exhaustion growing bit by tiny bit. 'Why's my energy where it's at?' becomes the question. Going deeper, stuff like 'What/who's been exhausting or draining the life out of me? What/who do I need more of in the way of a recharge? What/who's led me to be so out of balance, with the scales tipping more toward the negative?' become the kind of questions that can help solve the mystery.

A lack can play a really big part too. For example, besides a lack of all the things that can serve us mentally and all the things that can serve us physically, I never realised how impacting a lack of soulful inspiration could be until I began questioning where the inspiration was in my life. People aren't always going to dose us up on energising levels of inspiration. Btw, would be so much easier if they could. Sometimes we have to go looking. Perhaps the inspiration seeker or the energy seeker or excitement seeker in us is a facet begging to be brought to life.

[stell_a178]

hey again,

Yeah, energy or lack there of is a large contributor to my weight gain. Just not having the energy to make food, or to go out and exercise. And then I start the doom cycle again every week. Especially being a Uni student - finding easy and cheap things to make every day has become quite tiring and difficult for me. 
But I am really motivated to lose weight, and I’m trying to do it for my health and not just aesthetics. It’s gotten to a point where it’s starting to effect my health, which is why I am motivated to lose the weight.

some days I definitely harder than others. Especially when I can’t see any results within a week or so. 
anyway, just ranting now. But again, thank you for the comment. I really appreciate it!

stell