In a mental health crisis with no support

[Speechless]

I have severe anxiety and depression. 

A bit of background-

I am 40 female. Had mild agoraphobia and strong social phobia and GAD all my adult life. Was sexually abused age 14 and then moved with my parents to a beautiful secluded 5 acres just out of a seaside town and learnt to adjust to being rural and gardening and chickens ducks even sheep. 

I found it hard in my late teens and 20s to socialise- i had no help from my parents - dad only drove mum couldnt and dad was always working so if i wanted to go out i walked an hour into town and back. That was most of my 20s. Tho I met a man when i was 24 online, he convinced me to fly interstate to stay with him for a week so i did out of character and he ended up emotionally and sexually abusing me at first sight and it was an ongoing stay for months that i managed to get out of and it took years to get over. 

I became more of a recluse. 

Being home on acres with a view all is my world. I feed all the local birds who rely on me including cockatoos. I love being in nature, open wildish spaces with gumtrees and greenery. The fresh air.

Been basically a recluse here for 26 years, since i was 14 and now i am 40. My parents i live with, they in thier 70s now. Dad is mildly abusive and my whole adult life ive had to be a bit like a man, a bit like a slave really - non emotional - he can be frightening with him, he will tell me i have to do this and even if i dont want to i have to.

Ive only had one job all my life and that was for 4 years i really enjoyed but it went bankrupt and also i met a partner turned friend from their whom has paranoid schizophrenia and hes been in my life for 8 years since and its been very hard on me, even tho i need the company, hes the only one that knows me well and only immediate friend  i have. ive been driving since 2010. I drive mum everywhere and its hard to even get independence much in my family.

Start of this year my dads new car caught on fire in our long driveway and mum and i had to run with buckets to put it out. After that, Ive had to dedicate my life to driving both my parents with dad’s heavy bowling schedule and mums things - had little room for myself. Even planning my day, id end up with dad interfering with my plans and just give up. I was burnt out and severly depressed and anxious when it got to May. I took a year saving for my car and at that time i couldnt go out because dad in his car would complain about petrol if i did. So I was also angry.

Then my dad out of nowhere told me that he is selling this place and he want mum and i to quickly look for a house within the span of 3 months so that the money from the sale can be invested into shares so my sister can get a house.

So that caused me severe distress. Being ordered to leave my comfort home  on acres what im used to where i am most of the time, to look at urban very small spaces, i couldnt get my head around it. The amount of pressure from my dad making us go to inappropriate hpuse inspections cause in winter there was hardly anything on the market. Everything was distressing for me. No support understanding from my parents just push.

[Speechless]

I know this is a long post. I cant help get things off my cheat even if its like a story if thats okay. Just to write it helps. Even better if i were to get a helpful response.

So thru June-October my life has been in acute distress for me and i honestly dont know how i’ve managed its a blur.

Having to downsize all of my belonging as fast as i can, get rid of half my animals, half my ebay stock, have to empty the house for inspections, have to deal with so much pressure as well as still driving my parents everywhere. 

Having to 

ramp up my distress when i was pushed to look at houses that had no backyards. Also got abuse thrown at me it i didnt do everything at once.

The only comfort i had was my friend with schizophrenia who also has an addiction problem and is hardly a person to rely on.  I go to counseling but shes only 2 yrs in and i pay $70 a session and shes not really qualified for dealing with me.

But things have ramped up in this last few days more than anything. I mean ive been dealing with such severe anxiety depression over this move- its a complete downfall from my lifestyle that is what calms me down. I am terrified of neighbours as i havent had any really , not like in a suburb.

We were pressed with time from dad and it was either houses closely boxed next to each other and having to give up on my chickens ( my family) and everything else my lifestyle is or an old rundown very ugly 70s house with a wide frontage and slight view. So we just said yes to the 70s house and since then its been severe anticipating anxiety. Waking up every morning in my lifestyle - feeding the cockatoos , magpies ,crows my chooks, watching the low clouds in the valley, the baby foal next door, smelling the fresh air and hearing the frogs in the damn and the cows.

All those things, all my values esp being out here in fresh air are very important to me. More so because its been hard to be independent from my parents due to thier dependence on me that is unfairly circumstantial.

So it all built up and then last three days ive had to help dad with moving everything into the shed of the 70s house we are moving to 😭😳😰 

In 3 days, with a hired ute i HAD to help dad load all of the furniture and everything else. There was no other help, it had to be me, even with the severe distress.

Thats always been the case, my mental health doesnt matter, i have to do things and thats that. We clocked 300 km on the hire ute.

My support from my friend - well hes now gone into psychosis and became really apathetic to me. He went from someone who said he was there for me to someone who didnt care abruptly. It caused more distress. I was alone with my distress really.

Trying to talk to my mum about it, she has hearing disabilities and wouod get angry at me for even being upset. Id tell her im really unwell and its constant and try to explain in simple terms so i could just get some kind of immediate comfort, but its limited with her.

I have a pet dog dependent on me and hes my really only companion.

So the last three days being in acute distress, Ive HAD to help my dad with very hard labor moving fridges, heavy furniture, whole house hold contents. Going from my comfort home and to somewhere i am terrified and dont like dont want to go to. Being constantly pressured in that time to do 110 percent. I had to embarrassingly reach out ans message my female cousin just to have some comfort advice and help because i was breaking down inbetween.

Now i wake up still in my home but theres no furniture. its a horrible feeling. And the new place we have only been in two times and havent been in since we looked then. Tho i went to the backyard a few times and it spurred such great distress in me i felt physically ill.

I went to see a gp the other day and told her i was in bad distress and she basically said what do you want me to do about it? I was hoping she could help me be reffered to a health service for some support. I have a refferal for a new counsellor but i dont know where i put my letter and gp refferal for medicare.

Where do i go for immediate help when i can hardly function and yet being pressure to go above and beyond without support?

[Sophie_M]

Hey Speechless, 

Thanks for sharing what’s going on for you here. It sounds like you’ve been under a lot of stress lately, moving house can be difficult for anyone but especially when you have family that rely on you.

You've taken some incredible steps in researching and advocating for your healthcare, but it sounds like you’re not feeling understood. We’re really sorry to hear that, and we’re grateful for your bravery and openness in sharing here. It’s a really good place to have come to hear from others who might understand some of what you’re going through. 

We want to let you know that the Beyond Blue Support Line is here for you 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or online. We’d really recommend reaching out to talk these feelings through and think about creating a Safety Plan for those difficult moments. We’d also encourage you to keep your prescribing doctor updated on what’s going on for you and seek a second opinion from a differing doctor to get some more perspective on your treatment options.  We've included some links that might be helpful in finding some help.

I know I need support, but how do I ask for it? 
Questions to ask your health professional

Please know that we are here to support you and you are not alone. Thank you so much for sharing here, be kind to yourself during this difficult time. Please feel free to share a bit more and let us know what is going on for you, and what might help, if you feel comfortable.  

Kind regards,  

Sophie M 

[Speechless]

Everything around me is distressing and my friend whom was trying to be a positive for me, encouraging me that it was going to be okay and that he got my back and telling me to look forward to a bigger bedroom and hanging out with him watching netflix with the dog, that was something i needed to hear, just some comfort, i am terrified, i hate the new place its not home and it will take alot of adjusting. Triggers are everywhere. Im in trauma atm and noone in my life to help me when ive done so much for everyone.

I just want to be sedated and not have to do anything but have my bed set up and when we move have mum recognise how ill i am and be supportive and understanding. I just want to try to relax and not think about anything. Not have to do all these hard things. I just want a rest cause im feeling almost sucidal at this point its too much pressure on me with such severe mental breakdown. 

But i know its not over all this truama. Ive still got to clean the house, get rid of half my pet chickens, and help dad move the fridge and mattresses and then in the other place have to help move all the heavy furniture into the house then help dad tiling and painting etc. 

Also dad said hes not getting his own car, so i will still have to drive them everywhere. My car i saved for a whole year has become the family car Its been over used and its not exactly mine any ore even tho i pay for it. So that wrecked me and my independence.

I just want to hide away in my room and comfort myself away from the harshness of life around me. Theres no end to it for me. Yet ill get yelled at and told to do all these things like theres noone else.

[smallwolf]

hello and welcome,

compared to what you wrote, this reply will seem very short. And from what I read, it sounds as though life is very distressing at the moment. This might sound a little odd.. I cannot get angry, and in your situation I would would just want to scream to let it out. It sounds as though you are unable to escape from any of it and there are more things that have to be done. 

With that said.... you are already going above and beyond in driving parents and what you have already done. It does not sound as though you are getting any thanks either?

If I had a wish ... that you could set some boundaries so that you can do what you need to do AND for your parents to be a little grateful. Sorry if that sounds harsh. But I am listening and we can chat about whatever ...

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Speechless,

Losing your sense of home is a massive trauma. I too love being close to nature and having open space around me, and so moving into a much more confined urban space is something I can understand as stressful. It's why I have ended up leaving the city and coming to live in a small, peaceful town. I'm sure you are experiencing a kind of grief now regarding losing your previous home and it is particularly difficult when that goes unacknowledged by others.

I feel from what you have described you have had some major trauma in your life and you have an ongoing situation with your family in which your feelings, emotions and needs are not being validated. It can make a big difference just being humanly validated, and there are people out there who can be validating. It's just sometimes quite a journey finding the right help and support.

As a first step I think if you can literally just take things one small step at a time. Let things settle a bit as you adjust to the new home and then perhaps begin to work on how to address finding your own voice and way through your circumstances. Trying to solve multiple things at once can be overwhelming and right now you are having to deal with so much already. One thing you could do in the new location is begin to explore nearby nature areas or parks, places that give you that sense of space, both literally and emotionally. I know when I was in the city I connected with various places such as urban wetlands, beaches, nature reserves etc that were my healing places. Doing something like that might at least be grounding for you.

Then perhaps there are ways to gradually reassess your current circumstances. I know how hard things are in the current rental market, but I do wonder if there is any way for you to make your own life independent of your parents. The reality is if you are not there to drive them everywhere and do things for them they have to learn to do things for themselves. They have to take responsibility. You are their child and not meant to be responsible for them. I don't know what your relationship with your sister is like, but if she is getting a new home I don't know whether living with her, even temporarily, would be possible, perhaps paying affordable rent while you look for other options? I realise that may not be an option depending on the circumstances.

I think just being gentle with yourself through this is important, and it's sometimes after just gently taking things one step at a time and one day at a time, that options and solutions start to become apparent that might help to lead you out of your current situation. If you can check in with yourself and ask yourself what you really most need, sometimes that can kick your intuition into action about what to do next. Also, reaching out for support as you are here is really important. Calling helplines can also be a good thing to do when feeling really alone in your situation, and if you don't get quite the help you were looking for the first time you call, calling again or trying another helpline sometimes means you get to talk with someone who is able to support you in the way that you need.

What smallwolf says about boundaries is really important too. It sounds like it feels challenging to establish boundaries in your situation, but boundaries are so important to your well-being. It can be difficult to establish boundaries with people who have become used to treating you in a certain way. That's where it would be really helpful to get some good counselling support. If you are not finding the current counsellor helpful I wonder if it's worth trying someone new? If you are not already using a mental health care plan, that is something you could get from a GP to help you financially.

None of what I'm saying is meant to be advice. I'm just putting thoughts out there for a few alternatives to look at in case they help. I think it's important to not put yourself under more pressure than you are already feeling and just go gently and slowly as you feel your way through the current challenges and hopefully you will start to see some options and ways through that support you as a priority. Take care.