I want to ask for help

[____]

For a while, I've been struggling with depression and anxiety and while my parents do know that I was having suicidal thoughts, they think I'm better now, however it'has gotten worse. I kind of want to get help as I'm sick of living like this, but I don't know how to get help. I do not want to talk to my parents as they're awful people and I just want to get away with them. My school's welfare guy and counsellors aren't that helpful and I don't trust them. Unfortunately, the only person I would talk to is a drama teacher who isn't actually my teacher anymore, but I seriously can't imagine that conversation going well. I do have a sister who I'm kind of close to but I can't be around her because (bear with me) she is everything I'm not and I feel worthless around her. Is there a way I can get help without my family getting involved?

[Febry]

Hi April,

I’m Febry and I’m currently in Uni but I joined this place too when I was in highschool. Highschool was almost exactly as how you said, I’m really disappointed and saddened that nothing has changed. Especially with more awareness about mental health and bullying, I can’t fathom how there’s still this ridiculous school hierarchy and lack of compassion.

I also think that talking to your nice teacher might be helpful. The suggestions mentioned by Sophie are definitely worth a try. So far I’ve had good experiences with them.

I think it’s perfectly fine to not think that highschool is the best part of your life/youth. To this day, I still don’t really like my highschool years and I don’t wish to go back because I didn’t have that many good experiences.

I don’t have the same experiences as you but I can at least empathise with your struggle and that numbness. It’s going to take some time but as someone already said in here, you are worth fighting for. Always and anytime. keep us updated and we’re always here to chat. 🙂

Best wishes,

Febry.
xx

[hellohi]

Hi Croix,
Wow 8 different schools, it must be hard to go through changes in school.

My parents grew up in a different country, things here like using phones, people having boyfriends and girlfriends, type of clothing worn, social media, walking to the park by yourself and other things was taken seriously during their time in school and in their country. Things have changed in their country, other people in our family have tried to talk to my parents about letting me meet my friends, text them on my phone, talk to family in different countries through social media, letting me go outside the house, become independent, but my parents don't listen. My life is repetitive always a home, alone both at school and home, feeling unaccepted and fear of growing up and talking in public.

To be honest, I don't think they will really change through my school counsellor talking to them. My school counsellor talked to me about how she thinks that this year my mental health has deteriorated and she is concerned that I might take a big step or go through a breakdown in year 10 or VCE. And she said it is understandable if I feel betrayed. But school is opening up on the 9th of June, so she said she would like to have check-ins still. I am a bit unsure about talking things over, I am worried that at school, teachers and counsellors will treat me differently after hearing about my suicidal thoughts.

Thank you Croix for your kindness, I really appreciate it :),

Neerja

[Croix]

Dear Neerja~

Yes changing schools (and countries) gave me a very different perspective on school life. I did not regard any particular school as having the correct way of doing things. It was also harder for exams - and gaining friendships as they would vanish when we moved.

If one grows up on a particular education system, which sounds as if your parents did, it is very hard to envisage any other way, and the familiar safeguards that went with that system would seem appropriate to them here too, even if misguided.

They need to know the very different environment you exist in, not like theirs, and with fresh problems they never came across.

I don't know how to let your parents see properly what is happening. I did suggest the councilor, however maybe it might take someone else. A psychiatrist perhaps, or some cultures have religious leaders or elders, and maybe one of those might be helpful - I'm guessing, I've no idea really.

I do think your parents need educating as to the seriousness of your state and be prepared to be flexible and learn. Do you have any suggestions?

Where I am not guessing is that I'd expect you are not the only person at your school who has suicidal thoughts or those of self-harm. If the place affects you then it will affect others too.

They are isolated. Let down by groups and generally lost. Do you think it might be worth looking out for 'outsiders' and offering a hand of friendship by sitting beside them at meals, in a corridor, or where they retreat to for meals?

Yes the councilor may treat you a little differently, perhaps with more understanding, not necessarily a bad thing. Others ideally should not be aware of problems.

Is it possible for you to have more professional medical help than just the chats?

You are accepted here, wholeheartedly, and are not alone. I hope you come up with some suggestions that might help. There is no one 'big fix', just a load of smaller things that each make life better.

Croix

[____]

Hi Sarah

I'm not doing great at the moment. I've been put into another class for sport and will no longer have him as a teacher. This also means I'll have no friends in my sports group and it'll be just like last year when I wandered around by myself trying to avoid any eye contact. I don't think I'll be able to talk to him anymore as I won't be in his class. I am going to talk to the welfare guy about this because I seriously don't want to change.

My psychologist has instructed me to try and be as nice as possible to my parents until I see her again which is extremely difficult. I've been blamed for things I didn't do and accused of some really dumb stuff and I can't just say no even if I didn't do it because that makes my mother mad and that's not exactly being nice.

I went to a friends house on Saturday and I was still thinking about suicide which is stupid. But then again, a lot of stuff is stupid. I'm stupid, the stuff I do is stupid, my life is stupid, my complaining is stupid and I'm not going to list anything else because stupid is already feeling like it's not a word anymore, which is pretty stupid.

Yesterday I looked in the mirror and realised how fat I actually am. I mean, I knew I was fat and I was trying to lose weight but I realised just how disgusting I look. I couldn't believe I looked (well I mean I still look disgusting) that awful, and it made me think. I don't just look awful, I'm a horrible person. I'm sarcastic and mean and rude and I've made endless mistakes, and I hate myself, every single part of myself. When people are suicidal they are told that it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem, and if the problem was something around me like a bully or something, I could escape it, but I am a permanent problem because I can't just run away from the damage I've caused, because I'll just keep causing more.

This post is in really weird chunks. I don't understand it any more than you do.

April

[Sophie_M]

Hey April,

Thanks for checking back in with the community. It sounds like you're in a really tough space right now and we are so sorry to hear that you're feeling so low. Please know that you are not a horrible person, and you are never alone in this. We are currently checking in with you via email as we are worried about you.

Please know that you can always contact the friendly counsellors at Kids Helpline and Suicide Call Back Service as often as you need to talk through these feelings, and both have 24/7 Webchat available if you'd prefer to chat online. 

We hope that being part of this community is helping to bring some comfort and help you to feel a little less alone. Please feel free to keep checking back in and let us know how you are going when you feel ready.
 

[hellohi]

Hi April,

It's really sad that you were moved into another class. Is there someone you could talk to, to move back into your old class?

I am really sorry you are going through many negative thoughts. Especially when you need your parents to support you, and they aren't really there for you also blaming you.

Are you able to talk to your other family members?

Do your friends know?

Are you able to email or call your psychologist?

Sending you a virtual hug and we are all here for you April,

Neerja

[josh1245]

hey _____ I would like to welcome you to this wonderful online community beyond blue they have certainly helped me to take control of my inner demons and I hope it does for you. firstly I would like to applaud your incredible strength and courage in asking for help its something that you should be exceptionally proud of. secondly I would like to say that you are not worthless your far from that. I feel like our worst enemy in life our ourselves the thoughts inside our heads. you may feel worthless and not worth it but I 100 percent believe that you are an amazing special person who has achieved so much. I know onw achievement already that your battling this awful illness and still here takes incredible strength and is something that you should be incredibly proud of. we as humans tend to hate the person staring back at us I want to say a activity that helped me out quite a bit I want you to look in the mirror and say 5 nice things about yourself it could be anything everyday.

hope all is well soon

regards josh

[hellohi]

Hi Croix,

Moving countries and schools must be very tough and hard to adapt to. I remember, when I was moving schools, I only moved once and it was rough and not a good experience.

My parents don't understand that school here is a different environment. They don't understand my thoughts, they think that giving a kid money and things takes care of everything and people who have these thoughts want to seek attention or threaten someone. To be honest, I have no idea of strategies to help 'teach them' I guess.

You are right, there are other people going through similar thoughts and self-harm. I know this person who self-harmed recently, due to bullying, taunting and really, unfortunately, his mother had breast cancer. He hangs out with my 'friendship group'. He is kind. My parent's specifically told me to "not to talk to boys", but I think that's really wrong.

Thank you for accepting me here, it reduces one place where I am not accepted.

Neerja

[Croix]

Dear April~

Changing classes is a problem right at the moment, and I hope your welfare officer can assist. Actually talking to that person about any of your problems is probably a good thing.

Trying to be ‘nice’ to your parents sounds like a pretty big task, maybe you psychologist has the idea that an argument with them is worse for you than just agreeing, dunno.

I don’t think your complaining is stupid, in fact I did it myself a couple of weeks ago to one of my med professionals. One long vent. The person was sensible enough not to try to fix every point, but listened. Afterwards I thought it might have helped. Two weeks later I know it helped.

OK, there are things you have done in the past you regret, being sarcastic, mean and rude is a reflection of how you feel, in different circumstances your attitude would be unrecognizable. What if you were deeply happy -would you say the same things?

Unless someone is pretty mean themselves (or going through a bad patch) normally words can be sorted out. I’ve had to apologize for being deliberately rude, and it’s been accepted OK.

Being overweight creates 2 problems, the first one is straight health. The more strain on your body the more things can go wrong, so it’s best to have a reasonable BMI if you can. That’s long term and may take some specialist help, however I emphasize it is a straight physical problem and not one that can’t be successfully sorted in time.

The other bad thing it does is lowers your self-esteem. You think I’m fat, therefor people will think I’m greedy, or will not look at me romantically, or any one of umpteen negative thoughts.

I do know a fact, one radiant smile to a person you like makes all else disappear. OK you don’t believe me as yet. That’s because it has not happened to you. Not a false smile, one from deep inside.

I’m glad you have a friend to go to and that probably got you out of things a little. If it helped set off a long list of negative feelings, OK, it happens. Still you have a friend.

Weird chunks? No it all hangs together, those black glasses are dragging every negative thing to the front of your mind. Black glasses are the illness of depression -I know very well myself.

I’m glad you have a psychologist.

Hang in, you are not alone, and we understand and like you, yes, that's true, we can see more to you than you realize.

Croix

[Croix]

Dear Neerja

Educating parents is often more difficult than educating young adults, there has been a lot of time for attitudes and beliefs to solidify, and memories of being young dim.

You did mention earlier on that other members of your family had a more enlightened attitude and tried to convince your parents. OK, they did not succeed, however are any of them close enough for you to go visit? Talking with someone like that can stop you feeling so isolated -and frustrated.

Being told not to talk to boys is asking you to ignore half the human race, I’m not that sure it is a practical idea. I suppose your parents thing you will either be taken advantage of, disregard your studies, fall in love or become pregnant. All reasonable cautions in their place, it does not however recognize you are a person and also though not highly experienced as yet, are capable of making sensible decisions, perhaps with a little guidance. Trusting you has to come into it.

I can see you have found at least one other person who has difficulties at school, I’m sure there will be more. I do want to mention one thing, their can be a danger one person’s despair can transmit itself to another. So, if you find you feel worse, suicidal or prone to self-harm after being with a person who feels bad then get help for you both tout suite! (“immediately” In one of the schools I went to)

Other than that, if each tries to cheer the other and enjoy things it can be good. Defending someone that is being bullied or taunted is no small thing, I’m not trying to stop you if you think it warranted, however think of results before wading in.

Of course you are accepted here, why on earth not?

Croix