I think this is it. I think I’m finally done

[Baileysmells]

I’ve written countless posts to these forums over the years and I guess in a way they were all cries for help; but now I truly am finished trying. I’m done searching for a purpose, searching for relationships- reason. Time and time again life proves to me that it’s nothing but swimming against a current.

My life is empty. I no longer have friends to smile with. I no longer have family I can trust. I no longer have drive to better myself.

No matter how hard I try to find that one reason to keep going; it eludes me.

I’m 21, I have my own place, I start my first year of university in a month. On paper I guess things seem to be looking up but in reality I’m a broken, bitter person. I avoid all social interaction with my family these days, recently everyone of them independently has messed me over in a way that’s left me feeling truly alone. My sister and dad won’t even take care of my cats for a matter of hours- instead my inspection is going to come around tomorrow and I guess I’m getting kicked out for having unauthorised pets.

Everything about my hatred for myself, my inability to be who I want to be, my past has culminated to this decision, it’s just become too much. Psychology does nothing for me, it all sounds like bull. Nothing works no matter what I try. I will always be this shell of a person who is filled with hatred. Why SHOULD I continue?

[white knight]

Hi B, 

There is only one key to your future happiness. All other factors are miniscule. Self determination of what life can be, no other focus- family, friends, education are all less important then dreams.

We've had here in these pages, very sad souls that allowed that current to win, many of us have made attempts, so I ask you, suggest to you, that we are here for you and help from us will take more than one reply with 2500 character count. We cant do iut all in one post. So, I'm here daily and other champs and members are also.

My sister and I ejected our mother 12 years ago for narcissistic triangulation etc, last xmas my sister did the same, now like you I'm alone with blood family but I do have a loving wife. My message there is that you dont have to rely on selfish family members, in fact your beautiful cats give more love! and they need you. 

Ask a neighbour, put them in your car (if you have one) etc. Also check with the tenant union or similar in your state, in Victoria landlords cannot refuse you pets anymore.

OUR PURPOSE

We dont see the options

we only see the issues

you pour your heart out to all

and all they do is refuse

But there is indeed paradise

where no one can do you harm

True love and care

In anothers arms

Or maybe saving animals or kids

from disaster and all their fear

channel your care even when no ones there

its the purpose why we're here... 

TonyWK

[therising]

Hi Bailey

I believe one of the most tormenting and sometimes depressing challenges in life can involve finding a reason for being here. Took me decades to find reason. One of the main reasons is a common thread that runs throughout the whole of my life. It's one that runs through both the good and not so good times. My reason for being here is to know my true self.

Two of the most powerful words in philosophy are 'Know thyself'. This includes not just learning/understanding the truth of who I am but also recognising there's still a lot to learn. In periods of depression I remain in the process of learning. You may be able to relate to some of the following

• I've learned I am not someone who can tolerate seriously closed minded people. I find them depressing and/or angering. This tells me the truth: I'm someone who loves open minded people. That's my nature
• I've learned I'm not someone who can be left alone to face deeply tormenting challenges. I've been left alone on a number of occasions and find this depressing and/or angering. This tells me the truth: I'm someone who thrives on relatable insight, inspiration and support. That's my nature
• I cannot tolerate insensitive people. I find them depressing and/or angering. Truth is I'm sensitive. That's my nature. I can sense/feel emotion in myself and others easily. My sensitivity's my ability, not my 'fault'. The fact we can feel depressing comments from people is not based on any 'fault' we have. While those who have the power to choose their words choose poorly, we feel their choice

Coming to know who you are gives you further abilities. If you learn you're a caring person, this allows you to consciously care. If you learn you're a deeply feeling person, this allows you to consciously feel while learning skills in the ways of feeling (how to turn the volume up and down on feeling or even how to switch it off in favor of pure analysis). Pays to analyse some folk, rather than feel their impact.

Thanks to TonyWK, I learned I find waiting deeply depressing at times. Waiting for a difference in the way of much needed change is something I can't always tolerate, especially when there are those around me who refuse to change their ways. I cannot wait for them.

[white knight]

Hi Baileysmealls and the rising,

What an interesting thread. I hope Bailey is relating and grasping some thoughts.

My wife of 12 years and I were once married to siblings. I married my one time secretary when she 19 and I 28yo. A few years later I matched made my wife's brother with my best female friend. I was married 11 years, they 20 years. Eventually we were both single having divorced both our spouses and we got together. The common theme we could share was of course both our ex's that were brother and sister. 

In your post "The Rising" you mention insensitive people, how you cannot tolerate them. This clear boundary was formed because you identified your needs. I have similar with people that drink alcohol to excess along with unsatisfactory behaviour. This placement of boundaries often dont have a need to fine tune, they are defined by their obvious poor effect upon us. Eg I dont have tolerance for poor drunken behaviour and there is no middle ground.

So, BS, you purpose in life, that illusive rudder that steers you forward to a level of satisfaction- where is it? Well it is something you need to develop yourself and we can only plant seeds. Nevertheless your garden eventually will be yours and yours alone.

At 21yo you have much scope in which to move on this and it would be more satisfying if you 1/ accepted this challenge and 2/ had no need to rush to find answers to your inner self, the rising describes so well.

I have the following thread that you might find interesting. 

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/inner-peace-the-glory-of-being-you/td-p/190347

Reply anytime

TonyWK

[Baileysmells]

I’ve come to the realise that the one thing I wanted for myself, to make it to university; wasn’t even my own dream- but one that I was forced to choose under capitalism.

Now I sit here during my first week not studying at all for the next. I don’t want to participate under a regime that oppresses me, but it’s that or be homeless and live a worse life than you would being a slave; there seems like no happy ending to me. I will study for 5 years just to become a corporate cog in the machine, I hate it. 

Other than that I value relationships I guess but even that seems to only lead to heart ache and stress, anxiety; and I’ve given up on finding a partner.

Therapy does nothing for me, I’ve gotten incredibly less comfortable with attending because I get nowhere while making myself look like a mess in the progress. I just don’t know what to do, I hate the world, I hate myself. Why can’t we just have the right to die on our own terms