I really don't know what to do anymore

[imbadwithnames]

TLDR of my past year: COVID took my job, my house, and my happiness away and I had to move back with my shithead father. My mother continues to choose my brothers' narcissistic girlfriend over me and hasn't talked to me in months. My cousin had a wedding yesterday and I wasn't invited. I am the black sheep of the family due to being disabled.

My father is an ableist bigot who is racist (I have a lot of Asian friends and every time I mention anything that could be remotely Asian he starts mocking the accent and the language (i have asked him to stop it hundreds of times but he doesn't)) and homo/transphobic which is completely against my views. He is controlling (I cannot bring anything into the house be it food, makeup, anything without being questioned like a criminal), tone-deaf, misogynistic and just awful.

I am Autistic with ADHD, Borderline Personality Disorder with Self Harming Tendencies, Depression, Anxiety, PTSD and have an eating disorder. Long story short, I am very messed up. I don't have in person friends and, as I've already said, I don't have family support. I get screamed at in my house for breathing incorrectly, and then he plays the victim and "I don't know why you're so mad at me" YOU LITERALLY JUST SCREAMED AT ME AND CALLED ME A CHILD FOR HAVING AN AUTISTIC TICK WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T KNOW WHY.

I am studying Education and have my first prac next semester and I don't know how I'm going to do it. I can't get out of bed, I cry at least once a day, my self harming keeps getting worse, I have no money and Centrelink won't help me as apparently 9 psychological and mental disorders "isn't disabled enough for assistance".

Every day that I wake up I am sad that I didn't die in my sleep. (I am early 20s). I was on medication and doing so much better when my liver failed and I can no longer take any medication at all. I am in therapy but seeing her once every two weeks feels like it's not enough but again, no money. I can't afford to see her more often. I am just so confused and upset and have no idea what to do. What even can I do? Nothing. That's the answer. I can't do anything. I can't be sad because I get yelled at by my father. I can't tell him anything because he just yells at me, tells to grow up and get over myself.

I have a doctor, a psychologist and a psychiatrist but no one seems to be helping this numbness and emptiness I feel. I don't know what to do.

[Sophie_M]

Hey i'mbackwithnames,

Thanks for posting on the forums and letting us know how you're doing. We are so sorry that you are struggling with such distressing thoughts and feelings. It must be very challenging to have to cope with so much, especially when feeling like you are not understood by your family. Please know that you are in a safe space here on the forums and can share what's on your mind.

It sounds like you have been coping with these dark thoughts for quite some time. Please know that even when things are feeling at their darkest, please know that there is always hope, and our kind community are here to help offer as much support as you need through this time. We are also just checking in with you privately via email with some extra support.

Have you let your support team know how you are feeling currently? Another great step can be reaching out to the understanding counsellors at our Support Service, who are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or also through Webchat (1pm-12am AEST) if you'd feel more comfortable talking online: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  We would also really urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467), who are also here for you 24/7, night day, as often as you need to talk these feelings through.

Thanks again for reaching out here and being so open and honest with your feelings, and please feel free to continue updating us on how you're going, whenever you are ready.