I'm so tired

[Z_B]

I don't know anymore. I was doing so well than suddenly I slipped so much happened that I cant even pick a good reason anymore. I relapsed recently and fell back into the cycle. I've had such dark thoughts recently and it doesn't feel like it'll go away

[smallwolf]

I'm so sorry to hear that you're struggling right now. It can be really tough when you feel like you've made progress and then suddenly things take a turn for the worse. It sounds like you're feeling overwhelmed and weighed down by some dark thoughts.

Remember that slips and setbacks are a normal part of the journey towards recovery, and you can get through this... take things one day at a time and focus on the small steps you can take to move forward. It's brave of you to reach out and share how you're feeling. It shows that you're willing to face your struggles and seek support.

On setbacks... I have a story about going into a valley that had helped me out. If you like I can share it with you. Let me know. And I am listening to you...

[therising]

Hi Z_B

I feel so deeply for you as you face that part of the cycle that can feel so incredibly soul destroying, the part that leads you to feel so defeated.

In you mentioning 'the cycle', took me decades before I finally realised I had a cycle and what it was about. Wondering if, for you, it looks a little like the following: While imagining a clock, at 12 things are going well or at the very least well-ish. By the time quarter past comes around, you can start to feel life not going quite as well as it was. By half past things have become pretty dark. The dialogue that comes with depression has kicked in and between half past and the lead up to quarter to it simply feels like there's no way out. At quarter to you can feel something begin to shift. Could be based on some revelation that sheds light, a person who's led you to see things differently or a new experience that's been mind altering in some way. Then 12 comes around again where life's going well or well-ish. While having faced long term depression, was stuck between half past and quarter to for 15 years. Since then, I tend to cycle much faster. Btw, each quarter can vary in length.

In redefining that cycle, I'll start it at quarter past where life appears to not be going so well. Absolutely guaranteed there is a mind altering challenge in play, which can involve situations and/or specific people. Those situations or people can be depressing but you can't quite feel how depressing until you hit half past. At half past the ease of life has disappeared and the dis-ease that comes with who or what's depressing is something you can feel in every way possible (mind, body and soul). Fast forward to quarter to, where your mind begins opening to see what the sufferance can be about. In a period of revelation, there can be a significant shift in emotion, including types of emotions. Then 12 hits and you're out the challenge, no longer feeling it. You're free to live with ease. You've just 'graduated' out of the challenge.

With each cycle, with each challenge you face and work out, you cycle up. You can be raising yourself for years this way without realising.