I'm not built for survival

[Bellanana]

I'm terrified of my future because I can't do anything. 

I had to drop out of high school because I couldn't handle it anymore. 

I'm still at the beginning of my healing and have a really long way to go. But I can't help feel like a faliure because I can't work or do basic tasks. 

I don't even know if I'll be able to work even after I heal. Which I even more terrifying. 

What if I become homeless? 

I can't take care of myself, but I need money.

And centrelink doesn't care. They just want me to work even if I told them I can't.

Im so mad that I get burnt out by every little thing.

How am going to handle having a job if I can't handle taking care of myself everyday?

I'm done for. This is all my life is and will ever be. I'll never be able to be financially secure or have a good life.

Mental health cut my life short just like that. I don't understand how something so serious isn't taken seriously.

I feel like I'm dying just existing. 

[Sophie_M]

Hey Bellanana,

Thank you for sharing here today. It sounds like you have been going through a lot and we hope this can be a supportive space for you.

It can be scary thinking about the future, especially when we are not feeling our best. It can be really hard to consider what the future might look like when right now feels so tough, especially when we are at the beginning of our healing. We hope that you can treat yourself with kindness and compassion - you have a lot on your plate.

We hope you know that the Beyond Blue line is here for you on 1300 22 4636 (or on webchat). Reach Out is another fantastic resource, too.

Thank you once again for sharing here today. We are here to listen and offer support 🙂

Kind regards
Sophie M

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Bellanana,

 I just wanted to send you support and let you know that I have felt very similar to you where I feel like I am not made for this world. But I have learned that often the most sensitive people have a hidden strength, which is their sensitivity. It is likely there are things you are very good at and attuned to in ways that less sensitive people are not. The way society is structured is often not particularly geared towards sensitive souls.

What you may be able to gradually do is find your way in time towards something that really speaks to you and be able to find your place in the world. One way of approaching this could be doing voluntary work in an area you feel really drawn to, whether it is something creative, working with animals, whatever it is that you feel a connection with. This can often be the beginning of finding your way, possibly into some paid work eventually. It can be a way of building some confidence and some skills that translate well to other situations later.

The important thing is to go gently and try not to be hard on yourself. Ignore anyone who tells you to “suck it up”. Such people lack sensitive attunement and awareness and I think often have their own insecurities they project onto others. What I’m slowly learning to do for myself is develop my own inner-parenting self-care system to nurture and empower myself. I’m learning to use that as my inner guide rather than expectations from others that don’t match who I am and what is right for me.

But it can really help to have sensitive outer guides who can see you for you and that can help build your inner sense of self. Are you currently receiving any counselling or psychology support? If you can find the right therapist who is wise, gentle and sensitive, that can be really helpful in your own self-development. It can be the strength of that therapeutic alliance that helps to then build meaningful relationships in life outside of therapy. In my own experience I had to try a few therapists to find the right one. There may be others you can look to as well who become mentors/supportive figures in your life.

It’s important to know you are not alone as you can feel (something I still have to remind myself of from time to time) and that there will be people and experiences who are safe and supportive in life.

 I really understand about feeling vulnerable with regard to work. I’m 48 now and did work for many years in a range of jobs. It was quite challenging for me as I am shy and have a lot fears and had to somehow get through those fears. Some work experiences were enriching and some were really tough for me, some were a mixture of both. But I did ultimately learn and gain something from every experience, including the difficult ones. I’m currently not working following some major life challenges and health issues, and unsure what the future holds. But I can say with certainty the most important thing is to care for yourself and often through that self-care pathways can open up that you haven’t previously thought of.

The world needs sensitive people such as yourself and you will have something to offer for sure, just by being you. Try not to worry about the big picture, long term financial security etc but just take things one gentle step at a time. It is actually these gentle steps that help build a good future just by being in the here and now. Is there anything you love to do or feel drawn to do? Only if you feel comfortable sharing of course.

Happy to chat and listen if you want to share more of what you’re feeling and if it helps. Take good care,

Eagle Ray

[Eagle Ray]

Hi again Bellananna,

Just thinking to mention that if you are with Centrelink now and you have a medical condition or disability you can be with a disability employment agency instead of a regular one. This includes mental health issues. So if you are experiencing significant anxiety and/or depression you can get supporting documentation from your GP and psychologist (if you have one). I’m not sure if you are currently getting any psychological support, but this could be something you can talk to your GP about where you can do a mental health care plan and get a Medicare rebate on up to 10 sessions. There is usually still a gap to pay after the rebate, though I’ve heard there are a few psychs who bulk bill. Centrelink prefer support from a clinical psychologist over others, so looking for a clinical psych may be worthwhile too. You can either have your GP refer you on their recommendation or you can research psychs yourself to find one that feels like they might be the right fit for you. Many psychologists have their own website so that can be one option to look at to see if there’s someone who resonates with you.

 I just mention this because it will give you more flexibility to be under less pressure to have to apply for the same number of jobs per fortnight. Disability employment agencies are more geared to supporting people with vulnerabilities that make getting into the workforce more of a challenge. They are more tailored towards supporting you to build confidence and skills. I am currently with one due to both mental and physical health issues.

I just wanted to let you know that there are supports out there in case you are not aware of them already. These are just suggestions in case they help. Take care, ER