I’m drowning, and can’t find my way to the surface
I feel defeated. The things they say are the 5 most stressful you can go through in life, I’ve experienced them all plus more within the past 2 years, and so much trauma for my entire life. After 4 seperate deaths of my nan, mum, friend and beloved dog, and then my relationship breakdown on top of that all in just the past 5 months I have reached my limit and absolutely ready to give up, and give myself peace, finally. Why should I stay, to save others from grief and sadness if I were to go? When it means I have to TRY to live, to survive, in deep pain and anguish every single day of my life? Try to function enough to actually get through each day, working to earn money to have a roof and food. Who has the right to be free of the pain? Them, or me? Who is more selfish?
Being told that things will get better in time - I just don’t believe it. My next life time maybe? I’ve been struggling for a very long time, and no matter how hard I try, things get worse, not better. More, new trauma, new events, it goes on and on.
I go to a psych, walk daily, on meds, try self help tools etc. Nothing is helping, nothing. It feels hopeless. And frankly, I’m over it. My other dog is the only reason I’m still here today.
I don’t know why I’m posting here or what I expect or want from it, maybe just to feel understood.
You’ve had a horrendous load to carry including much grief. I can relate to the overwhelm. In recent years I was the primary carer for my parents until their deaths and lost friends to suicide. Right before my my mother died I was diagnosed with a degenerative disease and initially given a poor prognosis. I’d had to give up my job to care for my parents while trying to study as well. The study will unlikely never complete now because I’m beyond doing it now.
But despite all of that and really feeling like everything was over, my life is starting to turn around. I have a history of complex trauma but I’m actually beginning to heal the deepest of wounds. So I just want to really encourage you that no matter how hopeless it feels, things can gradually shift for the better. I have found it is from very small steps that little by little things start to shift.
But sometimes one of the most important things is to let yourself crash - just let yourself rest, cry, whatever it is the let’s you put down the burden of struggle, and then nurture yourself with kindness, gentleness and love. Sometimes it is the hardest thing to do, especially if we have been focused on caring for others and in survival mode for a very long time.
I have found time in nature has helped greatly, crawling under a blanket on my couch some days and totally resting, and gradually connecting with things I love doing that I had almost felt like would never mean anything to me again. But I am now reconnecting with my those things and feeling hope and things starting to transform. It’s been a great catalyst too for letting go of things from the past that have been harmful and stressful in my life which has opened up a space for positive experiences to come in.
Do you feel you have people you can chat to now and then? I find people contact can be grounding and help alleviate feelings of distress and isolation. Calling a helpline can sometimes help too. I’ve also used the Beyond Now app for when I was struggling with thoughts of not being here anymore. You may find that helpful as a reference point when things feel overwhelming.
So just wanting to let you know that I know it can feel desperate and hopeless, but healing is possible and it is giving yourself time and great gentleness and compassion that I think is one of the key ingredients. You are worth taking care of. I’m happy to chat if you would like to chat further.
Sending you kindness and support.