I lose my free will when I'm not allowed to choose death

[Angelhathaway]

With the family history of depression, I was so afraid of falling into depression but the more I worried about it the more it will grow out of control. First I could say to myself, it's just mood swing, everybody had bad experience, it will be ok, but it's not. The bad things happened in life triggered the depression that made me feel I could never get better again, I started to lose the basic will of living. It's no longer about the bad thing that happened in the past, it's about losing the will to do the simple things in life. Everything in life seems so difficult, I just don't want to be any part of it. Death become the only hope but it's forbidden in my religion. I started to question my religion, isn't Free Will the gift of the universe? When I cannot choose death means I lost my Free Will. How did I come to this point? Smile, I need to live for the people I love, be strong be brave. But when will this end? I still got a long time to go, and who knows what's going to happen? Hell is better than depression because at least you know it's the worst known to human consciousness. I'm not afraid of hell but I'm afraid of not knowing when I can reach hell. God please save me, I don't want to hurt anyone who cares about me, but living like this is really made it difficult for people around me. What should I do?

[Angelhathaway]

When it's not my fight it's easy to stay away from the argument, but when very close relatives or friends had this kind of arguments it's really hard to deal with especially when they try everything to change my opinion and accept their views.

[james1]

Hey Angelhathaway,

Until recently, I also really struggled with close family trying to change my views. I also didn't have too much issue when the discussion was with others, but people close to us want the best for us, and can sometimes go too far by trying to put their own beliefs on us. I found it really stressful.

I don't know what changed for me, but at some point I kind of learnt to just listen to these people and let them say what they wanted to say. I think it really helped to practice telling myself that, actually, neither they nor I actually knew what the 'truth' or right answer was. So accepting other people's views doesn't mean we need to change our own - just that we can understand they might be right. It feels less personal and less of a fight when that argument is just about listening and not needing an answer immediately.

I know you mentioned before that you struggle with the questions that may not have the answers. How do you feel about just listening to other people's opinions without necessarily needing to reach the answer right away?

James

[Angelhathaway]

I used to believe the people close to me want the best for me. I tried to listen and accept other views but it's almost impossible for me not to ask legitimate questions and when they tried everything to force me accept the absurd propaganda from the Main Stream Media, I just cannot remain silent anymore, all I wanted was to question some common sense.

[james1]

Hey Angelhathaway,

I think your instinct says something really important - that you have a voice and you want to be able to use it. Which is probably why it is so frustrating and hurtful when others try to force their own views on you, without giving you the opportunity to ask questions.

You mentioned previously that therapy may not be for you right now, and I definitely understand that. It sounds like you have a lot of values which are important to you, and therapy can be a really difficult experience which sometimes is at odds with what we are looking for right now.

But it still seems really important that you have someone in your life who you can talk to openly, and who will listen and respect your views. I'm glad you've found us online, but I'm also curious if you have anyone else in your life? Any extended family or friends who are respectful, or who you have had good experience talking to? They may not even be close - some of the people I trust most are people I talk to maybe once or twice a year. 

James

[therising]

Hi Angelhathaway

You know you're on a quest when you begin questioning so much. Perhaps the number 1 question is 'What is the quest I'm on?'. Could it be the quest for greater self understanding? What is the self and how does this self work best? Could it be the quest for a greater and deeper connection to life and/or the divine? How to connect and really feel the connection becomes a part of such quests. Could it involve the quest to let go of things, in order to make space for new things? Maybe it could be the quest to awaken people to what you feel they should be questioning (including all the things you're questioning now). Could the overall quest involve all of these factors and more?

From my own experience, I'd say focus on what you wish to develop and observe what stands in the way of you developing that. A period of observation can be quite a wake up call, with many revelations coming with it. Some can be inspiring, some can be angering and some can be even be depressing revelations. If you wish to develop greater levels of compassion, for example, observe who and what doesn't allow you to feel and express your compassion toward certain people? If you were to come across a young person deeply struggling with the realisation they are gay, who and what dictates you should shun them and degrade them, as opposed to feeling for them and their sufferance? If they are suicidal, who and what dictates the sad and horrible belief they deserve to suffer and should suffer alone, so horribly, without compassion?

Every question is valid on our quest to evolve. People will want you to remain the version of you they are most comfortable and happy with. One of the takeaways from my Catholic upbringing was 'Jesus was extremely triggering. While he led folk to become more conscious, more compassionate and more open minded, he upset a lot of people in the process. He did not stop on his quest to raise people in such ways, just so everyone could like him. Amusing to think he went against mainstream religion in his time, with many of it's questionable practices and beliefs, while being of service to the greater good. Whether people see Jesus' existence as a matter of fact or fiction, this does not take away from him as being truly inspirational.