I harmed myself for the first time in a year

[Ashii]

I harmed myself for the first time in around a year today. I just got the results back for an important test that could help me get into a uni course and I did terribly. I know I’ll be rejected from the course now. It’s honestly the last straw. I’ve been rejected by every graduate program I’ve applied for. I’m so worthless and I feel like I’ve lost all my intelligence. This was my last chance to do anything with my life. I can’t stand to wait another year and try all over again. I can’t stand the idea of having to resort back to self harm as the only way of self preservation. I’m so tired. I can’t stand existing.

[Guest_04828000]

I know how you feel, I relapsed recently after almost 10 years with this specific method and the stupid thing is that it worked. But it was not worth it, I punish myself for punishing myself. It only keeps setting us back but it can be hard to see the other side. Recovery is harder then the illness itself 

[therising]

Hi Ashii

I feel for you so deeply and reassure you that you're not alone when it comes to facing depressing and/or stressful factors that can trigger thoughts or actions of self harm. A drinker who hasn't had a drink for months can be triggered to drink under extreme circumstances. With a smoker who hasn't picked up a cigarette for years, it can be the same. For a drug user who's been clean for the longest time, the same. The thing is we don't know what our trigger's going to be, to lead us to return to our form of self harm, until we meet with it. Ashii, around a year is something to be seriously proud of. All the times you'd didn't return or turn again to self harm says a lot about you, your progress, your determination, level of consciousness etc. You're now aware of a trigger you weren't conscious of before. Greater awareness is progress.

I'm wondering whether you know why you struggled with the test. I imagine there's a good reason. Perhaps the challenge involves discovering the reason, unless you're already aware of it. With you mentioning 'I feel like I've lost all my intelligence', this could point to a variety of factors. Just a handful of ideas worth wondering about

• The inability to focus due to mental or physical factors such as ADHD, a serious vitamin or mineral deficiency (B12, iron, thyroid issue etc), stress and high cortisol levels, sleep issues, a depressing lack of the right kind of chemistry when it comes to mental and physical function and so on. With ADHD or AuDHD, to name a couple of examples, people won't struggle until they reach a point of struggle. In other words, such factors aren't obviously until they become obvious under certain circumstances
• A struggle to find teachers who are capable of teaching in relatable ways, ways that make it easy to understand and carry out the work. My daughter's partner runs a tutoring business and talks about the different learning styles he caters to. He may teach one thing in 3 different ways, depending on the most relatable way of learning for each student
• When we've reached a level of understanding that is beyond us. An example of this can involve the different types of math in secondary school. Some people cruise through essential mathematics, going onto general mathematics. For them it stops there whereas for others they can fairly easily gain an understanding of mathematical methods or even specialist mathematics. I like to look at the brain as basically being a computer or processor. Some things it will compute or process easily and some things it won't, which leads me to the next factor...
• What are we a natural at? If some people are born to be marine biologists, an understanding of biology and chemistry may come fairly easily to them. On the other hand, some folk may be born to be marine conservationists. They may have an incredible natural and intuitive understanding of the marine environment, an understanding that doesn't come naturally to biologists or chemists. If we're a natural and highly intelligent in some areas, we can seriously struggle in other areas

There are always going to be reasons for why we struggle, always. The challenge is to find the reasons, so that we can say 'Oh, my gosh! It makes complete sense. No wonder I was struggling so much'. While emphasis tends to be put on graduating through secondary school and uni, graduating through higher and higher levels of self understanding in life is the key to unlocking more things than we can possibly imagine. The reasons for your struggles may be pointing to the best path from here. Find the reasons/revelations and you'll graduate to finding the path.

[Guest_19921022]

Hi ashii reach out if you need to talk, what are you studying? And why is this your only chance? Reach out so I can help