I feel worthless, I'm tragic, without direction and don't have a reason to live anymore.

[Jaibigrone907]

I was bullied in numerous ways during high school and hated everyone there. I have no fond memories of what should ideally be my teens and some memorable younger years for most people I guess. I was unhappy until 23 because I stayed in touch with toxic acquaintances who thought they were better and gave constant opinions and judgment. 

I did terrible suicide destructive mistakes because I wanted to dumbly die, since I had no financial support to drive, I had no direction for suitable jobs and any opportunities regardless from my pathetic job recruiters. I never wanted apprenticeships, construction or University, wasn't eligible regardless or the personality to study. I also had a infatuation with a girl that died and I got really upset since she was uniquely overly attractive in a way that I put her on a pedestal, she was my favourite obsession and I just went insane during that time to not care about living and became un appreciative with my life, despite loving my brother and mum, I wasn't thinking of them during that phase of my life.

It caused me to be mistakenly diagnosed with Schizophrenia or having psychotic history. In 2017 at 22 I became diagnosed tragically with pre diabetes due to detrimental pharmaceuticals. I than had my gallbladder removed in 2020 three years shortly after which is even worse. Before this I overcame weight gain, I've even got some stretch marks. I have the bullshit compliance of having to continuously get scripts from my doctors and than go monthly to the chemist and buy un wanted meds with my limited pension income. I can't even mention about any spiritual beliefs but it's just make my life worse, with all the unwanted remarks and I can't even think internally or have private thoughts since their connected.  Constantly told I'm not intelligent, different and there's gossip occurring.

When I was going for my driving lessons. I had many issues that I didn't want to deal with and I ended up having my original O.T. therapist discriminate me, after she ignored me for one year to say I wouldn't achieve my licence, she discouraged me to keep trying, wither I should not spend my money on continuing. Given no support jus pension.

I've never had suitable friends who had my best interest and shared relatable hobbies. I'm still a virgin since I can't get my life in a ideal standard with full time work, a mortgage and even social confidence since I've been bullied and had so much trauma or suffering since 2008 that got worse in 2012 onwards.

[smallwolf]

hello and welcome.

There is much in your post! I hope you don't mind if I don't cover everything.

I'm so sorry you've gone through such painful experiences, from the bullying in high school to the loss of your loved one, health issues, and feelings of lack of support. Those are heavy burdens that no one should have to carry alone. I would say that you have had to endure more than most people can imagine - and here, now, still persevering which takes courage and strength.

One of the things in your post that resonated with me was in regard to your teenage years. My experiences were not the same as yours... rather a part my journey that started much earlier. Your teenage years sounded very difficult and dealing with toxic people. It's understandable to look back and feel robbed of those formative years. I wish I could go back and spare my/your younger self from that cruelty.

You've had to overcome so many obstacles just to keep going. It's unfair, and it's ok to feel angry or hopeless about it at times. You deserved so much better.

[Jaibigrone907]

I am only to blame for why I've been incorrectly diagnosed in the first place. I did such dumb destructive mistakes. I never wanted the pre diabetes, the cholecystectomy, weight gain and stretch marks. Even just one of those unfortunate issues would make anyone insecure, so angry and upset. I have so many reasons to be Anti Psychiatry, especially when I conceive many shrinks to be narcissistic in many ways and how they view patients with obvious disdain. I hate when people just sort of hear my issues and even if someone said that's upsetting no one really digests the reality, since their not with the same misfortunes. I've been so angered with the pre diabetes and how they can legally encourage detrimental pharmaceuticals to society. I have this rare spirituality where I know that others are reflecting over my circumstances. I get told wither I'm desperate, weird, awkward, that I get Centrelink, If I won't move out. Their always talking against my intelligence and strongly making me feel different. Everyone is supposed to be allowed to be themselves, it's abusive in that way.

I never would've had my driving, unless it was for getting Centrelink. My father's a absent type behind the T.V. and socially useless and un approachable. Very grandiose and vain and he genuinely doesn't give anyone else a second thought. He thinks since were living at home after 18 he can disregard everything he wasn't that makes a great parent. He was only good that he was too himself and didn't demand us to work or do anything, bad in the sense that he never cared about wither we have purpose or lives in general. Otherwise I had to know his similar sister and my Dad's friend since 14 when it was my second year going through high school.

I never could advance my life, since initially it wasn't just about not having my driving. I've been with job recruiters for years and they virtually never offer anything, or they just tell you to study a certificate when I don't want anything anymore. I wish I would've done Year 12 VCE and had a credible ATAR for Deakin University. I really wish I could achieve a bachelor degree in Dietitian - Nutrition. Since 14 I wanted to be musical with singing and by 18 I got interested back with the guitar and wanted to be passionate with rap poems and hopefully being more creative. I just have had certain things to continuously stuff me over in regards to confidence.

I also don't relate to my generation I like the Baby Boomers, Gen X, Millennial's, Silent Generation possibly too. I hate being from the futuristic Zillennial's and Gen Z's that started around the 1990's. I don't like the music of today and I miss the 1970's - 2007 for all the genres and the differences. I find their too degenerate and superficial, their too living in competition and their not with their own self centred ambitions. They just want to one up the next person in some sense. I don't like how their more American than any other era if comparing. I am Australian entirely but I just have a dual consensus with American's when it comes to their older generations and embodying Christianity - Religion. I can't like the conformity into atheism and un admirable modern values. I wish I could've been from the past basically.  I consider my generations to ultimately be inferior with everything and their less original and more in synchrony with the same individuality. 

[Jaibigrone907]

It's also how I wanted to be a Dietitian academically, but there's certain reasons to why it's undesirable or not worth it for me. It's a mix between the growing expense of study tuitions getting worse every year. It's how with a academic careers, your not allowed to approach your profession from your own independent thinking, you can't be creative that your more under the linear ways of how your taught. It's how one shrink can disagree with the opinion of another shrink but how they both will undermine the patient as being the expert. It's how Dietitians advise light milk because their taught it's the way to go, but how I saw a liver specialist and he advised full cream milk, because it has less sugar that would not only impact my diabetes, but when your having more fats your fuller for longer and you can have longer intervals between feeling hungry. It's also how in today's world it's all became about politics with everything, if someone isn't under the mainstream narrative or consensus their seen as wrong and controversial. There's too much constraints and unfairness with it all.