Hi Hillary,
I am sorry that the reply I sent got lost and can't be found so I am replying again.
Firstly, thank you for having the courage to post here about how life has been for you and I am so sorry you are feeling so down. I hope you have reached out to one of the help lines and are getting some support, it is so important that you do for your well-being. I had trouble fitting in when I was younger also, I am now in my 60's and have been dealing with depression since I was about 12. What you are feeling is very painful to go through and I totally understand that you just want it to stop. I think that is why many of us have wanted to end it because it seems to be the only way to stop the pain, but it isn't. I told my parents how I felt when I was in my mid 20s and got no help either. Back then depression was not something that was talked about openly and there was not access to places like this forum to get advice and help, so I was in my 40's before I was diagnosed. What I most want to impress upon you is that you do matter. You matter to every person who reads your post and is going through a similar experience because they know they are not alone, and neither are you. We are here for you whenever you need to express how you are feeling, no judgment, just support and advice. The reason for much of what you describe with your personality I believe is due to feeling confused and frustrated by how things don't seem to be how you imagine they should be, and that is totally understandable. I would like to ask you not to continue hurting yourself, I know why you do it, but you deserve so much better than that. You may not realise it now, but in the absence of love from outside of you, it is possible to find love from inside of you. The kind of love that makes you feel empowered to seek the help you need and make the small changes that eventually add up to a new way of thinking about yourself, of loving yourself regardless of how others may see you, regardless of how others may treat you, regardless of what others may say. You were not born with all this torment, it is something you learned as a coping strategy but it is no longer working for you as you get older so now is the time to learn some new and more appropriate and healthy strategies to help you heal the past and become the person you were always meant to be. We are here for you, you are not alone and you are not unwanted.
Sending you a huge hug,
indigo22
