I feel like I'm psychotic

[Depresso_Espresso]

I am someone living with BPD, ADHD, Anxiety, Depression, Panic, Mild PTSD and sometimes I do things that make me look like a psychotic person and it makes me want to hurt myself.

It particularly happens in the sexual and romance space; say I text a guy on Instagram and he doesn't respond, I'll text him on a different app, and then if he doesn't respond there I'll be anonymous and text him on a different app, and a different app. I understand this is not right, I am aware of that... I just need a non-judgemental space because I feel like I'm completely fucking broken.

The fact that I do this type of stuff and have to live with the guilt makes me want to kill myself. I just can't believe that I do this kind of thing to people. It's awful and psychotic. I'm so afraid of rejection I go to these great lengths to try and talk to people but it just ends up being so toxic and so weird.

Some things I done I feel like I can't live with. I feel like I'm just going to go to hell anyway so what's the harm in doing that now? If I feel guilty and miserable now I may as well not live like this for the rest of my life. Plus I just feel like I can't tell anyone about it because these are just ideations for me, not plans and that will freak people out.

I'm a really kind and caring person, I care a lot about people, but all this mental health shit going on in my head has made me make some really fucking stupid decisions. I'm my own worst enemy. I just can't live with it. I have gotten better over the past few years but I still do stuff like this.

I've always thought I'm going to be someone who dies young... I don't want to make that a self-fulfilling prophecy but right now it sounds better than living with guilt for another 50 years.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Depresso_Espresso,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for your bravery and openness in sharing here. We can hear there's a lot going through your head now, and you're not feeling sure about how to deal with it. Sharing here was a really good move though. 

We're reaching out to you privately, and want to encourage you to reach out to our counsellors if you'd like to talk any of this through. We’re on 1300 22 4636, and you can reach us online here. It sounds like it would be a really good time to update the GP or any treatment team you may have on how you’re going, especially since you’ve been having thoughts about suicide. 

If you’re feeling suicidal or are having thoughts about harming yourself, it's important that you take immediate steps to keep safe. If you feel unable to keep yourself from acting on your thoughts about suicide or self-harm this is an emergency, and you need to call 000 (triple zero). Another option would be ringing Lifeline (13 11 14), who can sit with you in these feelings and help you to plan for your safety.

You mentioned you’re living with a few conditions. Is there anything that helped you through a difficult time in the past that you could consider drawing on today? For many, it's a good counsellor or mental health professional, or something suggested in a suicide safety plan, like sharing your feelings with a close friend or relative. Or it could be something you were doing like exercise or creativity that distracts you and gives you some purpose. We’d love to hear if there’s anything coming to mind.

We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. 

Kind regards, 

Sophie M

[smallwolf]

hello and welcome.

I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through such a challenging time. It takes courage to open up and share your struggles, and I want you to know that you're not alone in this.

I want to emphasize that you are not "broken". You're a human being who is experiencing a complex mix of emotions and reactions due to your mental health conditions. It's understandable that you're feeling guilty and struggling with self-destructive thoughts, but it's important to remember that you deserve compassion and understanding and reaching out and seeking support is a positive step.

You also mentioned needing a "non-judgemental space" ... I hope that you find this here. We all have a experiences, different from each other. If you knew my story, you could say I was weird. Until we step into the other person's shows we don't know what they have been through.

On ideations ... Not sure how much to say here for fear of being reported or getting an email. But I like to think that I understand what you are getting at when you say "no plans". What I will say is that I am the same.

Please take care of yourself, and know that there is hope for a brighter future. You're worthy of love, understanding, and support. Listening ....