i feel like giving up

[Nelliel Tu]

i'm so tired to trying so hard

my mum does not really care about me. Pretty recently my best friend my dog died. He died of a tumor growth on his leg and i looked after him for years even before he was sick, I trained and fed him, cleaned him, loved him. he was my best friend, through covid and my final exams he was my anchor. His illness got so bad at a certain point that he would deficate laying down and I was physically lifting him up. So he was put down. Following this not even a month later my mum says she wants to buy some puppies from her friend. I told her I could not do it that i was still morning and very tied. She promiced me I would not have to do anything, that she would look after them, i got the feeling this was a lie and that she would by the puppies anyway even if i said no so to escape her anger i said fine. as predicted she lied about me having to do nothing. I train them, cleen their shit ect... I am so tired, behind in my studies, and then get yelled at for sitting all day/going to bed a 9pm being called lazy.  I can't do it anymore I want to move out but I can't afford it and it would anger my parents. I am trying to find motivation to find joy in my studies again at least and all I feel is lathagic and sad. I don't know what to do   

[therising]

Hi Nelliel Tu

My heart goes out to you as you continue to grieve the passing of your best friend. I imagine how hard it was for you coming to terms with having to gradually let him go as his health continued to decline. It is said that the extent of the love we have for someone is reflected in how deeply we grieve their passing. Completely understandable when it comes to how deeply you continue to grieve, given how much you loved your best friend.

I once had a cat that felt like the love of my life for so many years. She saw me through a lot of emotional pain/periods of depression. She was just there, doing nothing other than being herself and it was as though she just knew when I needed her. We can share such a beautiful heartfelt soulful connection with animals.

May not be my place to say but if your mum wanted to feel happier after your dog's passing by bringing new dogs into the house, this is her choice. I don't believe it's fair to involve you in such a choice, especially when you're struggling in a number of ways. If her goal is to get you to do some work around the house, perhaps you'd feel more comfortable with a different form of housework/chore, instead of taking care of the dogs. Maybe something you could propose. Perhaps simple things like taking the rubbish out and a bit of vacuuming maybe. Not sure whether she's trying to get you to bond with the dogs, so as to help you through your grief. If this is the case, doing it carefully may mean not making them such a chore and constant reminder of what/who you've lost. Hard to bond with something we resent.

[Nelliel Tu]

thank you so much I needed to hear it. Your cat sounds lovely. I don't resent the dogs I hug them all the time as they don't deserve my projection but yeah that is fair. Good suggestion I need to be more pro-active maybe it's because I am feeling rather hopeless recently or due to pervious experience. even if I tried I feel like I helped out more around the house I feel like it would never be enough. I honestly don't think she got the dogs for me. Idk idk. thank you so much 

[therising]

Hi Nelliel Tu

You're such a beautiful person, the way you care for the dogs even while you're grieving. Sometimes I think kids can be far more conscious than their parents. I find this is the case with my own 2 kids (son 17 and daughter 20). They've managed to raise my level of consciousness in many ways over the years. They're 2 of my greatest teachers in life.

I think parents can behave the way they do for a number of reasons, whether their view of life is fair or not. They can be

• raising their kids the way they were raised themselves
• thinking emotionally or not thinking emotionally enough at times
• have certain beliefs (relevant or outdated) dictate the choices they make
• fail to gain an overall sense of what their child's facing (only having part of the picture or story)

Lot's more reasons for why parents behave the way they do. Us parents can be incredibly challenging people to work with at times.

[Nelliel Tu]

Hi The Rising,

Thank you for giving me some peace of mind I really appreciate it, it helped me step back and consider it all. I am sure us kids can also be a pain in the ass sometimes too lol. Thank you so much for sharing your compassion. You sound lovely, your kids are lucky to have you. 

ty

[teaBee]

Hi hope you are well. 

as we get older it is natural to want to leave home. We start to become individuals who may different ways of doing stuff from our parents. And that’s ok. I don’t know what your home life is like but mine could be pretty rough sometimes. My mother had bad mental illness and would buy sausage dogs to make her feel better. They were cute and I loved them but it is so exhausting having to take care of them alone. So I definitely get where you’re coming from there. when I moved out my relationship with my mother improved so much. It’s hard when your personalities clash but you live together so you can’t get away. But be patient. You will have your own place to call home one day and hopefully it will help you as much as it has helped me. Until then look positively to the future. And work to make your dreams come true. 

[Nelliel Tu]

Hi,

Yeah I guess it's something to look forward too. Which is good cos sometimes I feel trapped here. 💜

[Nelliel Tu]

Mum gave me two weeks to morn my dog before looking for a new one. It's hard to let it go because I still don't feel ready but she rushed me and I feel disrespected. She does this a lot. I assume to escape her own feelings but she expects me to just do the same and be ok with it all (eg: brother was in a car accident and my mum told him to get over it the next morning) and I just feel tired. I tried suggesting trying to be more independent to move out but then she guilts me by saying I don't love her and we (kids) are leaving her and I am just tired. Sorry I'm representing myself and ranting. Thank you for your help ❤️

[therising]

Hi Nelliel Tu

Can understand the disrespect you feel. Two weeks is such a short time. My goodness, your poor brother. There can be so many emotional elements when it comes to being involved in a car accident. Sometimes there's a lot to make sense of, such as a change of identity for a start. We can go from 'I am someone who'll never have an accident' to 'I'm someone who's likely, under certain circumstances, to have an accident'. It can become a fearful thing to manage and work through.

As you mention, maybe your mum's emotional detachment involves how she's come to manage her own challenging emotions. I've found there are many different reasons for why people become detached in certain ways

• They've been conditioned to not feel too much. Maybe even conditioned to believe 'Those who feel/sense too much are weak' (aka 'Sensitivity is a weakness'). Of course, to feel deeply is an ability, not a weakness. It's about how we carefully manage what we feel that makes us a master of feeling
• Some folk legitimately don't have the ability to feel for others. Such is the case with some people on the autsim spectrum, for example
• Some people don't like to feel challenges, so they simply don't acknowledge there is a challenge in play. How can you feel what's not there?
• Some teach themselves to emotionally detach because they can't stand the pain of feeling. Maybe they've had a traumatic upbringing and have found it's far easier not to feel too much. It's a coping strategy.

Plenty more reasons.

I've found those who tend to say 'Get over it' rarely give tips or strategies for dealing with a hurdle (to get over). While some hurdles are small like those simple track and field kind of hurdles, others are of a completely different nature. Others can resemble a brick wall 30 metres high and it may be one that simply doesn't stand in front of us - it can surround and encompass us. With this type, it's not a matter of getting over it, it becomes a matter of strategically getting out of it. 

When it comes to my 2 kids moving out of home, I imagine it'll probably happen in the next 5 years or so. They're 2 of the most amazing, amusing, fascinating and wonderful people I've ever known. How to live without them on a day to day bases is my challenge, not theirs. I imagine they'll help me through it, perhaps pop in on the odd occasion or do a video chat if they happen to move overseas 🙂

[yours_truly]

Hi Nelliel Tu,

I can’t help but read your post in awe and respect. You have done so much for those puppies all while mourning the loss of someone so important to you. I am so sorry for your loss and I hope you know that although losing your beloved one is hard, their memory is enough to hold on to them and remember their beautiful soul.

Humans come in all sorts of shaped and sizes, colours and vibes, attitudes and qualities. Although you cannot change your mother or the unfairness in which she so clearly is treating you with, because she might just lie around it, you can try to acknowledge this and think of ways to work around this. There’s a saying where it says “work smarter, not harder”. In this case, with your studies and chores and taking care of the puppies, i’m sure you’re under so much stress and you’re so exhausted. 

You could propose to take up different chores or you could start doing your homework close to where she is in the house so that she can see you studying and cannot accuse you of being lazy. You could organise a study group with your friends so that you can get the homework done more efficiently and have people to communicate with as a coping mechanism.

I hope this helps!!

yours_truly