I don’t know if I can keep living like this?

[Jrace]

I’m not entirely sure how to start this off but I think this will help at least getting it off my chest and seeking advice

I’m really struggling to see my future, I have horrible work/life balance, very introverted and have no friends. I’ve been in and out of home for the last 2 years pursuing what I thought was my dream job. I work early early mornings (3am-10am) and afternoons. I have a break during the day that I use to sleep or get supplies for the week. I really thought that this was my dream job , I loved it for so long and even travelled overseas for it.. and my family spent so much money on me wanting to support my dream, I feel so guilty to even be thinking that I might’ve been wrong to make what I love into my work. But I can’t see myself continuing this life style for much longer, I’m lonely I’m tired and I’m losing so much weight as it’s tricky for me to eat so early in the morning and I feel ill by the time the afternoon comes along. There are times even now I really love my job I think during some days wow this is it , I truly love this job despite the many other thoughts. But the longer I work in this industry the more tired I’m getting, tired of everything. I don’t want to fail all the people that support me.. I’m not sure if the way I’m feeling is because I’m lonely or because I had a bad experience with a previous employer which causes me major anxiety when settling into new places. I’m not sure what to do, I never feel the need to get up and be productive when I have a break or at the end of a working day if I’m invited out (rarely, or by family) I feel like it’s a chore just to get out of bed and I’m left feeling tired by the morning even if I’m back home by 8:30pm.
I work 7 day weeks every morning with 1 full day off a fortnight so it may be just a result of being tired but I don’t want to ask for more flexible time off as I’m only new to this employer, they’re already understaffed and everyone else seems to be managing it.

i can’t keep living like this , I know that much , I just don’t know how to fix it without being a complete and utter disappointment. I think about other ways out that would just be easier and wouldn’t hurt many people. I think about it almost every day. I want to tell my family but I don’t think I could deal with the disappointment.

[Sea_Turtle]

Hey Jrace

things can get complicated can’t they.
I felt as you wrote in your last paragraph 2 years ago. I think sometimes that thought can seem like the simplest, but it’s not that simple. My family wasn’t disappointed, I scared them, but I see now that that is different.

I personally have always been someone to ask a lot of questions. Why am I here? Why am I not better at this? What is the point of all this?
My mum always told me experiences was what she thought the point was.

So you went overseas, yes it cost money. But I reckon your worth money. We aren’t made to thrive in every situation, you went somewhere and it may not be all it should have but you have gained experiences nonetheless. The same thing if you need to change your work, you have experience from what you have done it is not a waste.

I have an ED. Tiredness, hopelessness ect. Does come when your body doesn’t have enough fuel even if you do eat.

You may feel alone but you can come through this, talk to the people who support you or reach out to someone, they will be ultimately grateful that you did.

beyond blue has a helpline too

take care

[Croix]

Dear Jrace~

I'd like to welcome you here, it was a pretty good move to come. You'll get other perspectives on the same problem.

It looks from what you say that you love your work -but sadly it does not love you. The list of things that are going wrong starts with tiredness, then not being able to eat properly, the financial cost, isolation and losing friends - you realise all this. But most importantly you think there may be no way out other than to kill yourself.

Well no job is worth that. Worrying about the people that have supported you is natural, but in the end they would I'm sure rather have you around, live and well.

Frankly you remind me of me. I was in a job that had been a lifelong ambition, I was good at it, all was fine -BUT it took its toll, it was simply too much and I ended up invalided out suicidal, with PTSD, depression and anxiety. I left things for far too long and only after losing the job, and also attempts did I open up and tell the right people how I was.

I had a long way to go, but medical support, not being in that job any more, and a loving family all combined so that as time went on I was able to look back and see how bad I’d become, how dangerous my situation had been.

Now I'm OK, have a responsible occupation, satisfaction in my accomplishments and also able to have both friends and a fine relationship with my partner and family.

Yes there was a huge investment in that job, between training, time away from home, on duty 2/7 , moving house -and my family supported me every time, changing locations and jobs and schools to be with me.

I would ask you please do not make the same mistake as me, please get professional help now, it is amazing what can be done. You can start with an extended consultation with you GP, tell about your suicidal thoughts, loss of weight and all the rest. Don't hold back on anything, no matter how frightening or embarrassing (that's the bit I found hardest to do)

At the time I was very frightened of what I might do, and other times simply wanted to fix it all once and for all. I had no one to talk to in my family.

Can I recommend on those times you feel that way give the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) a call or web-chat them on

https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/phone-and-online-counselling/

They can make a huge difference. The comfort of a reasonable caring voice, experienced and not prone to panic or overreact.

I'd like to say more, I hope we can

Croix

[Jrace]

You’re more right thank you think, I greatly appreciate the advice and perspective from you especially from someone who’s been in a similar situation. I think my next step will be to speak to a Gp and go from there. Hopefully I’ll be able to cope more with my working hours without the added stress of bottling it all up.
I do worry still of the repercussions of “giving up” my job after all the dedication.
I tried to bring it up in conversation with a family member and was shut down pretty quickly with “so what you don’t want to do this anymore?” , I didn’t even know how to answer the question because it’s a lot more complicated than that. Hopefully everything turns out ok.

thank you !

[Croix]

Dear Jrace~

I'm pleased you are going to see your GP, an excellent first step. When I was there I found it very hared to give a full picture face to face - especially the suicide part. Do you think you will be OK doing this and getting a complete picture across? A complete picture really is needed so treatment is for the real problems.

I used a trick, I wrote everything down first, then handed the paper over, and that worked out much better than I expected.

As far as that question goes “so what you don’t want to do this anymore?”, it's a pretty common reaction. I used to answer those sorts of questions with "It's not a question of what I want, it's a question of what I can do"

I hope your GP is as good as mine was, please let us know how you go

Croix

[therising]

Hi Jrace

You sound so exhausted, both physically and mentally. I feel for you as you struggle to make sense of what the next move in your life needs to be. To be in 2 minds can definitely feel like a form of torture at times.

Not sure if it will make some difference to you but I'll put the following out there in the hope that it does. I came to redefine 'disappointment' in a way where it works well for me. I'm not good with the standard definition, based on it being potentially depressing and definitely not good for self esteem. I define disappointment as dis-appointing myself or another from an role or appointment that was given. To offer an example: I appoint myself to a role/job that, under the circumstances, appears perfect. To begin with it is perfect. Over time, I become sick of this job. To rephrase, I become sick because of this job. The mental, physical and soulful aspects of myself begin to suffer through growing dis-ease. So the question becomes 'Do I dis-appoint myself from this job altogether or do I dis-appoint myself from the ways in which I'm managing the job?'. If I'm trying to manage through a lack of sleep or the kind of recharging chemistry that's obtained through good sleep, if I'm managing through a lack of energetic food, if I'm managing through a lack of stress relief etc, do I need to manage differently now? If the job's exhausting me, no matter how well I'm managing, do I need to leave it altogether and look for one helps me regain my overall well being or do I simply need to appoint myself some time off so as to recharge my batteries?'.

We can't always manage other people's disappointment. If I was to leave that dream job that everyone wanted me to get or helped me get, it's up to them when it comes to how they dis-appoint themselves from the expectations they have of me. If they partly funded me working my way toward getting that job, you could say they funded a period of my life.

Understaffing definitely takes a toll on the existing employees who are managing the understaffing issues. Where I work we're understaffed and it's turned me into a somewhat anxious, occasionally angry, easily triggered gal. That's not who I naturally am. The job is turning me into a different person, who I don't wish to be. While looking around for another job, I'm wondering who I want to be, what role I wish to appoint myself. Not sure yet.

Is it the natural sage in you who's dictating 'You can't keep living like this, it's destroying you'?