I don't know how I feel all I know is that I feel lost

[lucys]

I feel useless and like I am destined to be nothing. My older sister did HSC last year and was talking to me about how she cries in the shower sometimes and feels really upset and now one year after she still feels sad. I don't know who to tell or what to do (cause she says shes better now) I feel helpless . I have been feeling really upset for a while now and maybe 2 years ago found myself deep in self harm I have now stopped but still sometimes I feel too overwhelmed and fall into it again but not as bad . I get mood swings and get very anger and upset a lot. I dont do extra curricular actives and feel terrible about it, i feel like I am nothing that I'm not living but just existing . I feel like Ive wasted my life and others time. When I'm sad I think of everything that makes me upset and fall very deep into sadness. I feel like there is nothing that happened in my life to cause all this pain and I feel like I'm just doing it for attention and I "want" to feel sad and that I just self harm for "attention". I dont know why I feel like this but I do. My feelings have gotten a bit better but I still cry and then get angry at myself for crying or feel dumb for feeling this way when my sister is the one who actually needs help.

i feel like i'm too young to feel like this.

like i have to reason to be this way, that its all fake and that ive created this sad, depressed person that i live as sometimes

[Sophie_M]

Hi Lucy,

Welcome to our valued online forum community. This is a safe space for you to share your thoughts, seek and give support. Thank you so much for reaching out today, we understand it can take a lot of courage the first time posting. We are sorry to hear things have been so difficult for you for so long. It sounds like things are becoming overwhelming. We want you to know we're here to provide you with as much support, advice and conversation as you need. Our Support Service is trying to reach out to you via email as we are worried about you. We hope you know that there is always help available to you:

• For whenever you're feeling overwhelmed, Kids Helpline counsellors can be contacted 24/7 via telephone and also via webchat - https://kidshelpline.com.au/ 
• It might be worth getting in touch with an organisation called Headspace. Headspace is an organisation specifically for young people aged 12-25 and they offer a wide range of services including counselling and group programs, including a group chat on their webpage - https://headspace.org.au/

  Please check in and let us know how you are whenever you feel up to it.

[Aaronsis]

Hi lucys

Welcome to the BB family and to reaching out in what sounds like a really tough time, it is so very hard to see our loved ones in pain and to also be in pain too and feel helpless. I am so proud of you for finding your way here to get some support.

What I am hearing here though is two sisters who are close that they can share how they are feeling with each other, this is a fantastic start, being able to share how sad you are with a family member is wonderful, but the fact she too is feeling sad provides a great bonding of your relationship in that you can support each other.

HSC is tough at the best of times and the pressure on young people these days is huge, to figure it all out and have you whole future mapped out, it is so much. I think that it is great that your sister says she is feeling better now, something though in your post feels like you are not sure whether you think she is better?? Am I right here? You could open up a conversation with her and tell her about how you are feeling and that you just need a hug or someone to talk to, you could also use this time to check that she really is ok.

Sophie M has given you some support with the Kids Helpline number and I really cannot express how wonderful they are, they even have a web chat service if you feel more comfortable to type rather than speak:

https://kidshelpline.com.au/get-help/webchat-counselling

I am so very sorry that you are made to feel like if you are hurting, both mentally and with the self harm too, that you are attention seeking, this as we know is not true but I want to acknowledge that sometimes a cry for help is seen as attention seeking too. I am just so proud of you for reaching out here, we understand how hard things can be and sometimes there are no "good reasons" for why a person feels bad, they just do, and that is that...but it sure does not discount the need for care and for help. You are not dumb for having these feelings, you are not any less deserving of support than your sister, I am just so pleased she has you in her life to see she is perhaps not doing so well. This is not the way a person who is "useless" would respond, you are so far from useless lucys.

I also wanted to say that ill mental health is really not picky..it does not care if you are 18 or 88...it doesn't care about ethnicity, sex or financial status..it just is and anyone can be impacted.

We are here for you lucys and I hope to chat to you some more. Please stay safe too.

Hugs to you

Sarah

[sadgirlhours]

Hi lucys i really hope u see this reply because i just want to say that i UNDERSTAND YOU COMPLETELY. in 2019 i was in a very dark place, i self-harmed weekly and had suicidal thoughts nearly all the time. i constantly felt like i was just faking it for attention and i felt like i had no right to be sad, because there are many people less fortunate than me. just remember that if u have to ask yourself whether you are faking it or not, chances are, you are NOT faking it.

when u said that you feel like youve "created this sad, depressed person that i live as sometimes", i understand completely. im only 16, im not a professional but i just want to tell u that I UNDERSTAND. I FEEL YOUR STRUGGLE AND YOU ARE NOT ALONE ❤️ always remember that depression and mental illness is never a choice, and it is a chemical imbalance in your brain, and u cannot control it. please dont blame yourself for the way u are feeling.

my therapist told me that when u purposely think of sad things to make yourself sadder, it is a form of emotional self harm. i used to do that too. i am not completely better now, but therapy and counseling has helped me a lot. please try to get help because u will feel better!

im not sure if i was able to help you, but i hope u feel better soon and i just wanted to say that you are not alone and you CAN get through this. i completely understand what u are feeling, and when i say i completely understand, i mean it. please dont beat yourself up because your emotions are valid! i love you and i hope i helped 🙂

[Aaronsis]

Wow.. thank you for sharing your journey so far and for reaching out to another sadgirlhours...see this is the beauty and the magic of this forum, of this family, that the support from another when they too are battling, when they too are on a journey to wellness, that they can reach out and lift another.

What a treasure you are sadgirlhours... your insight and your care.
You have really expressed what emotions people experience and you are so right in that it is not a choice.

Thank you, thank you

hugs Sarah

[lucys]

thank you so much.

I couldn't understand how I was feeling before these posts but after reading them I feel a little bit better. I kept blaming myself (and still do) but I'm trying to put myself in less pain now. I'm still struggling but reading your post has helped so much and made me come to terms with myself.

[lucys]

Thank you for this post. It's hard to read it and admit that I might be going through something more than a few bad days but your post has made me feel less like a "problem" or a "mistake" and more like a human. Thank you

[Aaronsis]

Hey lucys

I am so happy to hear that, you are most certainly not a mistake or a problem, you are a young lady who has a bit on her plate and needs to shift some of it off, that is no mistake and it does not define you either.

I am wondering if you have any more thoughts about sharing how you are feeling with someone who can support you, maybe a GP? This is not your fault lucys, this is something that is happening to you, not who you are.

However what you choose to do next is in your control, you can take back the power and take back the road in which your future holds. Sure that is way easier said than done, but you have started, by sharing here and getting some things off your chest, and as you said, reading back actually gave you some comfort.

This is a really tricky time with all the health concerns and it does make a usual day different and the way we seek help a little different but the support services are still there for you lucy, that is why they are there, to be used. You matter and you matter so much, you are worth an appointment and you are worth the time to put your hand up and say "I need a chat". I am sure you can feel the support in "sadgirlhours" post too, and also knowing you are not alone, you are going through a tough time.

I am so proud you have come back to chat and I hope to chat some more to you too.

I wish the whole "attention seeking" theme was never ever aligned to ill mental health....all it does is create a reason for people to question further if there is "something wrong with them"..."they need a spotlight on them"....well can I say that a person who is reaching out for some care does need a spotlight on them, to see that they get the care they need and the support they need, which is essentially attention, but not in a show pony way...it makes me so upset when people feel like they are "attention seeking"...I wish it was just "care seeking"...a few different letters and the whole things seems acceptable....

Hugs to you lucys and I hope to chat some more to you soon

Sarah xxx

[lucys]

hi everyone ,

thank you so much so all the kind words and support. I have been getting a bit better overtime but starting the HSC is slowly killing me. I am so stressed all the time and dont know how to handle it, a couple of days ago I SH, nothing deep, just a few scratches. However, my sister saw the scratches today and confronted me about. She kept pulling my shirt to see it, and I kept pulling it down, cause I didn't want her to see more. She got quite upset. She told me to tell her where I got the scratches, she told me to tell her or she'd tell my parents. I just looked at her I didn't know what to say (but I didnt cry or anything I just almost laughed I didn't know what to do). Then I started lying, giving excuses. I felt horrible abut lying but I wasn't ready to talk about it yet. She kept saying 'what is so bad you can't tell me' and she started almost yelling sometimes at me (raising her voice) telling me to tell her and telling me how upset she was that I wasn't telling her and that I was lying . She told me not to break the trust I have built within her over the years. I dont know, but somehow I felt like the villain. But I didn't say anything and she got pissed and told me to go. But since that I dont feel comfortable, I dont know what to say, she doesn't even talk to me. We are so close I dont know what to do. I dont want to talk to her about my mental health cause I am not ready yet. sorry for the rant I just really need a solution or an excuse for the cuts anything. thank you