I am desperate

Stephamelia · ‎19-10-2020

I don’t know where to go to express the way I’m feeling, I have struggled with my depression since I can remember. to cut a long story short, I am a mum of 3 babies 3 years and under, in a happy marriage, with plenty of support, but lots of trauma from the past and a stack of history with my mental health. I am at a point now where I feel like it hurts to live, I am dying inside. The suicidal thoughts are non stop, I am scared of myself some days, I know how I can be quite irrational and when I get into a bad episode, I lose all of my self control and i go absolutely nuts. My kids are my only reason that I wake up and carry on. But I’m so tired, I just want to close my eyes and not wake up. I’m scared of the act of actually killing myself, I’m scared of what comes after, I just want to not think about it and just die. But then I think about my babies and the people I love and I know it would destroy lives around me. It’s just hurting me everyday to breathe. To live with a heavy aching heart. I hate myself

Sophie_M · ‎19-10-2020

Welcome Stephamelia,

We're grateful that you were able to reach out tonight. It sounds like you're in a dark place at the moment. Please know that this is a safe and non-judgemental space to express how you're feeling.

Can we ask, do you have any mental health support? We understand it can be really tough to cope sometimes, especially if you don't feel you have a safe space to express what you're going through. If you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport They will give you support and point you in the right direction for help in your area. In addition to this, there are always counsellors available via phone for your most difficult moments. Some of these 24/7 services include:

Lifeline - 13 11 14 / https://www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help/Online-Services/crisis-chat (online chat available 7pm-12am)
Suicide Call Back Service - 1300 659 467

You mentioned that you've been struggling with depression for as long as you can remember. Have there been times that it has improved? What kinds of things have helped in the past? We hope that you keep posting here and we can get to know you a bit better.

quirkywords · ‎19-10-2020

stephamelia

Welcome to the forum.

It is hard when you are struggling and looking after 3 children under 3. Just that slone putr pressure on someone let alone being depressed as well.

I wonder is there anyhting that helps with your children. Do you find you can play with them or is that too much.

Everyone needs support, do you get support with your children. Have you spoken to a doctor about how you feel.

When my children were young I felt tired all the time. I liked going for walks to the park and around the block. That may not help you .

Thanks for reaching out.