Hi Nat
I'm so sorry to hear your struggle is worsening. I'm often led to experience sorrow when I hear of the pain someone feels within the absolute depths of depression. Unless someone has felt that pain, within the depths, they can never understand the fear associated with going back there. For me, it's that fear which is partly responsible for me looking for what works in managing to stay out. A major mind altering challenge at times.
As Paul touched on, it took him years to gradually alter his mind to recognise it takes courage to vent through tears. Wondering if you're up for the challenge, to freely express your intolerance/anger. It's amazing how that mental program we're conditioned to adhere to, 'Don't upset anyone', can really mess with us. I'd class suppression as an emotion. For me, if I can feel something, it's a 'feeling', therefor an emotion. Suppression's horrible, anxiety inducing at times and angering at other times. While inspiration says 'Go for it, express yourself freely', ego says 'Oh, no, you can't do that. Suppress it, so as to not upset anyone. What would people think of you?'. The mental battle can be exhausting. Inspiration challenges me often, to be myself. It's kinda terrible when you think 'I find it so hard to be myself'. You know there's something wrong when this thought pops up more often than not.
What if your natural self is intolerant of people who make no difference to you. What if your natural self walked into your GP's or therapist's office and said 'Okay dude, I've seriously had enough. I mean it, I've had enough. I just can't do life this way anymore. You gotta make a difference or I'll find someone who can'. Maybe your natural self is seriously sassy. Imagine meeting your natural self at your next appointment. Might even leave you thinking 'Who the heck was that?', after you've let loose. Me, I had no idea I was such a sassy gal, until recently. It's so liberating to finally be myself, to some degree. Still learning. Warning: Being your natural self will trigger people at times. They may need to adjust 🙂
Nat, you're not a failure. I can recall having felt that way myself, as a wife and mum, but I can look back now and say I was an example of great determination and courage, in the long search to find the best in myself, as I faced the sometimes overwhelming challenges of depression. A great sense of pride comes with this realisation.
Our true self is often found through acts of great courage and realisation 🙂
