Hi Everyone

[charliedog]

Hello, and thank you for accepting me into this community.

I have been experiencing low mood and passive suicidal thoughts for the past 4 years. They have varied in consistency and intensity over the period. Generally, when I am experiencing more stress and helplessness at work they get worse, and when I am able to complete my work efficiently and effectively it gets better, though even during those times I experience feelings of lethargy and wish that I could go to sleep forever and be at peace.

Right now things are getting worse again and I find that I am dragging myself out of bed each morning, waking up only after an ever increasing amount of coffee, which is my little bit of enjoyment during these cold winter days. I then try to go for a short walk or jog before I start work as its another activity I enjoy. After work, I feel a sense of relief as the day is finally over and after eating dinner, I rest in bed feeling fatigued and hoping this endless cycle would just - end.

Objectively speaking, I have a good job and great colleagues. My current role involves analysing current businesses processes in order to implement a new accounting system for the company. It is a great chance to learn a lot about the business and its processes, meet people as well as the opportunity to become a subject matter expert on the new system which will be used for many years to come.

Other aspects of my life are good too, I might even say perfect. I have loving parents, who are still alive and care about me. I talk to them at least once a week and they message me daily with little bits of encouragement. I have been in a stable long term relationship for the past 9 years, and my girlfriend has stuck by me. We talk daily, though its more me listening to her as I am quite disengaged with life and dont have much to say, other than the fact that I am depressed, feel trapped but cant understand why.

I dont have any children or other commitments in life. I do not experience any financial stress as I have a job and given my disengagement and disinterest with life, rarely feel anything is worth spending money on. I take pleasure in the small things in life, hot coffee on cold mornings, gentle winter sunshine on my skin, fresh air, long walks, clear blue skies. I dont drink or smoke.

I am going to see my GP again to request professional help and am hoping that with some expert advice and medication, it will all work out.

Thank you for reading and wish everyone a good day.

[Sophie_M]

Hey charliedog, 

Welcome to the forums, and thank you so much for taking the brave step in reaching out and sharing your thoughts and feelings here with the community. We understand how difficult this can be for the first time, and please know that there will be many other reading here who relate to feeling this way during their journeys also- you're never alone in this. We're so sorry to hear that you've been experiencing such low mood and suicidal thoughts for such a long time, and we think you've shown a lot of strength in being proactive and reaching out to your GP again for support. Our community are also here to help support you through this, and we hope that you can find some comort in their kind support and advice. 

Please also know that extra support is always here for you to talk these feelings through whenever it's feeling like too much to cope with. Our Beyond Blue Support Service is available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636, as well as through online chat (1pm-midnight AEST) at: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport Our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) and Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) are also always here for you, as often as you need during difficult times like these. Sometimes it can be really helpful to be able to talk to a kind and understanding voice on the other end of the phone, so please do feel free to reach out whenever you need.

We hope that you continue to update us here on your thread throughout your journey, as we'd all love to help support you through this.

[Petal22]

Hi Charliedog,

Wellcome to our forums!

Sorry you have been feeling this way, I understand going through this can be very difficult…..

I had severe anxiety OCD and have now recovered from the condition thanks to professional help….

My recovery started from seeing my gp we did a mental health plan together this enabled me to see a clinical psychologist, I also saw a psychiatrist and did a group therapy for my OCD….

My gp put me on a antidepressant to help me to manage my anxiety…..

I just wanted to let you know there is light at the end of the tunnel and there is always HOPE, if I can recover there is HOPE that you can aswell…

That’s great you are seeing your gp I hope all goes well for you….

Im here to chat

[charliedog]

Thanks Petal22 for your reply. It made me feel better to know you cared enough to connect with me. I am also glad to hear that you have recovered from your severe anxiety OCD and that gives me hope.

My current state is still ok? Or so I believe and thats probably why I have been holding off seeking treatment and trying to solve things on my own and to be strong and fight the feelings. But I know something is not right because I remember better days.

Objectively, my life is good and I have lots of things going for me, so it puzzles me that I feel the way I do, and I also feel guilty for feeling down despite having everything as almost everyone has been through far worse circumstances.

I saw my GP today and got the mental health plan as well as some antidepressants. Im happy I took the first step towards getting professional help and treatment and am hopeful of getting better.

Fingers crossed.

[Petal22]

That’s ok charliedog I’m happy to support you…

That’s great you saw your gp today, I think it’s great that you had the awareness to know that something wasn’t right and you seeked help…….it’s your first step towards recovery…..

I understand your thoughts of feeling guilty but I think sometimes even if we do have a good life and feel down that’s ok……. I think mental health issues are like any type of health issue they need treatment and that’s what you are receiving so hopefully things will start to improve for you…… just give it time….

And thank you for the kind words ,I'm very grateful I have recovered, my condition was like a marathon but it was a marathon I won… im glad I have given you hope…..there always is HOPE just stick with your treatment.

Please chat to me any time, and let me know how things are going 😊

[charliedog]

Hi Everyone who has supported me and read this thread, I am happy to report that after 6 months of therapy and medication, I am feeling much better.

I know many people will have a different experience, but for me depression was no different from high blood pressure or diabetes.

Due to Covid, I had exposed myself to many of the risk factors of depression such as social isolation and not spending money on leisure and enjoyment as I tried to save as much as possible, in case I lost my job. I also didnt really speak to my loved ones about how I was feeling as I did not want to burden them with my problems.

My therapist helped me identify these risk factors, and gave me a strong push to work on them, one at at time, in a way that best suited me. Therapy, together with medication, helped put me back on the right track.

This is no different to how eating a bad diet and not exercising would cause high blood pressure to occur.

With my new knowledge, I am determined to stay on the right track. I have to do my best to do things right.

Thank you everyone once again for your words of encouragement. They have helped me get through things (:

[Petal22]

Hi charliedog,

Thank you so much for letting us know how things have progressed for you.

I think it’s fantastic that things have improved for you 😊

Happy to support and encourage you any time.

Im always here if you ever want to chat.

Keep up the great work.

You really should be so proud of how far you have come, well done 😊