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[Waxer]

Hi, I've been married for 36 years, I absolutely worship my wife. 3 years ago we allowed a other man I to our lives. We had a relationship that I found it exciting to watch my wife pleasured etc. Well at first it was all fun. After a while I noticed my wife changing. She started getting frustrated and shirt with me. I was too stupid to realise she had fallen in love with this other man. One day we were driving up north and she told me a big list of things I did wrong. I still didnt get it. Once we arrived we had an argument and she told me she wssnt in love with me any more but was in love with this other man. I begged her to stay with me and she did. She told me she would try in our marriage but refused to give him up. In short over the next few years she told me another 4 times she was in love with him. She also told me a number of times she would choose him over me if I made her choose. These days she tells me she loves me and isbt in love with him and it's just friendship. She cant understand why I cant just forgive and move on. Ive got depression and something like ptsd. I cant live without her, but I can see shes getting to the point of bot wanting me to stay because she cant deal with my meltdowns when I get bouts of depression. I dont know what to do. I seriously wish I would just have a heart attack and die, trouble is I believe in afterlife and csnt bear the thought of going thru eternity without her love. She tells me she loves me yet Katy night said if I have one more meltdown that will be it. I'm seriously thinking of committing suicide but if i fail she will lose all her li e for me and I'll be alive without her love, if i succeed i gotta go through eternity without her. I love her so much, I'm totally in love with her , every time I hear her voice or see her I melt. I dont know what to do

[Waxer]

Hi Tim, well, in some ways the lockdown has been good. Shes really snappy, and its only been a few days since she told me we should have gone our separate ways ages ago, but she been quite nice in between bouts of talking to me like she hates me (which is any time I disagree or if she even thinks I disagree but I'm not ) today she told me we will make it together. I'm starting to think shes a bit schizophrenic (her twin brother actually is and is on medication for it) but probably not, I think it's more that she takes all her anger and frustration with lifes curve balls out on me and she has an arsenal of words and sentences she knows will cut me deeply. In any case a few days ago I thought all was lost but after saying we will make it today, I have new hope. I will continue to speak and treat her beautifully no matter what she says and if shes going to change her mind and leave me, at least I will know in my heart she would never ever find someone to treat her so well again,

[smallwolf]

Hi Waxer - when I don't understand why someone might be speaking angryily at me and I have no idea what I might have done wrong, I have to try to see the situation from the other persons side - they might be frustrated about something else and let it out on me, or "that situation is minor and ..." - these are things I tell myself, not the other person. It is also a case of shutting up and counting to 10.

it sounds like you might be getting better at handling or accepting the situation.

(There is one person from church who generally gives me her 2c worth about anything... my psych asked me whether it is possible this person feels they can let it out on you because they trust you (vs a stranger) - does not help me all the time but worth thinking about)

[Waxer]

I think she does know I'll take anything she throws at me, I think it may be in part why she speaks so horrible to me so readily, I can take her being snappy, shes always been fiery, but it hurts so so so much when she says things about wanting out, cant do this any more etc. And it hurts so much that shes fiercely loyal to her sisters and her boyfriend but very little if any loyalty to me. Trouble is, even after everything shes done to my heart, after all the frustration with me, the anger, lack of loyalty etc I'm still madly in love with her. You see, shes quaint, has funny little ways, a smile that could light up a city, a giggle that rivals a small child for cuteness, funny little sayings, shes absolutely the most beautiful woman I've seen, sexy as all heck, a great cook, we used to be best friends as well as lovers, I just cant imagine life without her , I'm too old at 60 to start again and I wouldn't cope with being alone. So what else can I do but try try try my best to handle everything shes thrown at me and just keep being as loving as I an be, my greatest fear is I snap and have a meltdown if that happens I know it's all over.

[smallwolf]

How have things been today between you and your wife?

[Waxer]

Hi mate, my poor kitten has had a migraine the last few days, I've been massaging her head and neck for hours each day. Shes been very very snappy with me , but I know part of it this time is her headache and the stress of virud and not being able to see our grandkids. I got hurt this morning because she spoke horrible to me again when I was just asking her what I could do for her. I realise now I've been over the top trying so hard to be good husband it's too much fur her and it's coming across as nagging, in my mind I'm just trying to be beautiful to her but I Dee her point thsy when shes got headache too many questions irritate her. This is one of the things I medd help with , you see , this all started with a huge list of things I do wrong so I guess I am over compensating by trying to be perfect, but it's too much for her now I need to try be more natural , but its really hard to find a balance

[smallwolf]

A guy I used to work with would get migraines - would have to take day off work, so can be quite painful.

I guess there is a balance between being a good husband and one that is over the top.and coming across as "nagging" (as you put it). How did you work out that you were trying too hard?

Would you wife help you to work out list of what to do or what not to do?

I am sure you will work out right balance you are looking for.

Tim

[Waxer]

Hi Tim, I have something I have to try, my psychologist gave me a tip on how to be more assertive, atm shes pretty good, but last night I found out my brother in law is in icu in Qatar. It brought up things, my wife started attacking me about things saying I dibt like her sisters. I would have loved to have a quiet conversation about how it's not that I dont like them, it's that every time shes with them she comes home super critical of me and always takes their side even if they ate blatantly in the wrong and I end up getting hammered about what a lousy husband I am . This is from 2 people who've never maintained their own relationship. Just before the virus they hss gonvib rd my wife to go on a 2cweek cruise with them Its ok fur then they are single why would a married woman want to go on a singles cruise? Every time she sees them she Carrie's on about how shes git the right to do what she wants and I have no say in it, but I couldn't bring myself to say anything, I knew if I did it would ne ww3 no matter how hard I'd try to keep it low key. So I'll try practice having my own opinion on something less volatile

[smallwolf]

Hi,

I can imagine you would be very concerned about your brother in law. Hope it all works out OK.

It is also a pity that it became another argument for you - at least that it how it seemed from your post. Sounds a little tit-for-tat, your wife thinks you don't like the sisters and takes a similar approach to your side of the family. How well do you get on with her sisters?

On having your own opinion - at least you gave it a good try. I started small, perhaps to gauge the reaction and then amp it up a bit. So despite how it might have worked out, you took on the advice (?) of the psychologist and tried. What more can you do?

I don't think you are a lousy person/husband. Misunderstood?

Hope you are able to find some peace over the Easter period.

Tim

[Waxer]

Hi Tim, for decades every Christmas, birthday etc fur her family I put on the party at our house. I've always supported her family, her mum was living with us when she was homeless and then I had to try revive her when she died, I went in to offer her a cuppa, but she was dead. I paid for her younger sisters teeth when she couldn't afford them, I instigated a relationship with their father after he was estranged for years. Despite all that her brothers live me but her sisters would live nothing more than us to split up, I dint know why, I do know they think everyone should be the same as them in everything from what they eat to taking medications, I think they would just enjoy the misery tbh. I always used to like her sisters but I'm starting to actually hate them as every time my wife spends time with them she is unsettled and says horrible things to me and starts behaving like she wants to be single. Its ironic that since the lockdown weve been getting along much much better, no interference from the sisters. Shes still very snappy but seems more aware that she is

[smallwolf]

Sorry about no responding earlier again!

There was a lady who was always critical about things I did at church - hardly ever a nice word. I did not like her very much. I thought I had done thing wrong. Over time I would speak with others about some of these matters and they would say the opposite. Thinking about it, I would reframe my thoughts these are this other persons issues. In their case, liking things to be where they can find them, not asking for help, etc. So now I ca accept what she is saying more easily.

You might think what this has to do with your story?

Perhaps there is something in the way the sisters act or make them act that way. You said they think everyone should be like them.

Can you accept that thought and know that you and your wife are stronger than that. It may take time.

Hope you had an OK Easter.

Tim