Hi kebabeater,
I am really sorry to hear about what you are going through and that you are feeling so hopeless. It sounds like it has been a painful break-up and experience. Is there anyone you feel able to talk to about what is going on for you? And can you identify what may have triggered your recent slump when things were previously tracking okay? I can understand that going back into lockdown will make things a lot more difficult than they already are, but can you maybe try to plan a few things or make a bit of a schedule for yourself to give your days a bit more structure so that you are less likely to get caught in your head ruminating?
It must feel painful if you felt that hurting yourself was the only option to help you calm down. When you have struggled with this in the past, has there been anything that has helped you to not engage in SH? Maybe coping strategies like grounding techniques, distraction or self-soothing?
It is awful that this person has not given you closure or any explanation. I cannot imagine how upsetting that would be, especially after having lived with that person and being so close to them. It doesn't sound like they are going to change though, keeping stuck in the past and what could have been and holding on to that will only eat away at you and drag you down - I know that is probably difficult to hear, but talking to someone about how you can process what has happened to be able to move forward may really help you.
Please feel free to talk more if and when you want to, we are here to listen and support you.
Take care.
