Having a relapse

[Rupes79]

Hi Everyone,

I’ve been doing a lot of trauma recovery work in recent months and until yesterday it was going much better but unfortunately had a trigger and the last 24 hours have been a disaster. Have used alcohol and medication to cope and feel like I am back where I started. So frustrating.

Has anyone else had a similar experience and what did you do to get back on track? I feel I’ve completely lost control in just 1 day. 
Thanks. 

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Rupes

I’ve just had a relapse too so I really empathise. I’ve had a few in recent months and I’m learning that this can happen with trauma processing. My psych was saying there can be a rebound effect where after letting go of trauma stuff there can be a kind of rebracing where the body goes back into a bit of a trauma state. This will release again but there can be a kind of back and forth pattern as our body and mind learn to inhabit a new normal and rest in a balanced state.

 I totally relapsed the other day. It was really just a few things in a row that re-activated past stress/trauma.

 I feel I am back on track and what helped was:

- Downloaded the BB safety plan app. It’s been useful to remind me what things I can do to nurture and distract myself, who I can contact for support and the reasons I want to live.

- going for walks and giving my mind tasks to think about that are not related to matters that are emotionally activating.

- realise how far I’ve come and that overall I’m in a very different place now to what I’ve been in the past, so the relapse is a temporary glitch.

- watch tv shows and listen to music I really like.

- move slowly and gently through the day, not putting myself under any pressure. E.g. doing grocery shopping as if it’s kind of like a meditation rather than a chore I have to get through.

- going to a favourite nature place by the ocean which feels like it clears out stressful energy and I can feel myself letting go of trauma patterns in my body again.

- sleeping and resting a lot which I found happened naturally once my body started to release trauma again.

- thought about good people from my life who have been kind. The feelings of gratitude seem to counter bad feelings that come up.

- engaging my creative mind through my senses, such as noticing the nice colours on the fruit on my pomegranate tree or the parrots visiting my garden or a nice sunset. I was also looking at the stars the other night and had a sense of wonder from it.

- staying in touch with people here on the BB forum.

I can feel myself calming down and rebalancing. So I think relapses can happen and often very fast like you describe, but it is possible to move back to a better place again. I think viewing it as an organic process of rebalancing can help. Take care and sending you gentle and kind thoughts.

[therising]

Hi Rupes

I feel for you so deeply as you work so hard to evolve beyond past traumas. You have my deepest respect for undertaking what can be overwhelming.

The illusion of a setback can be so deeply depressing. While it can appear as going back through a particular cycle, truth is you can be cycling upwards and not know it. You're raising yourself through what can be highly triggering and depressing, certain revelations and emotions.

As a gal who drank through long term depression, I can say it was a matter of finding what I wanted to feel through the chemistry alcohol provided. Found moments/chemistry of peace, happiness, relief, a carefree sense of self etc. 'Carefree' can sound like 'I don't care anymore'. While 'I don't care anymore', with a happy tone, can sound liberating, with an entirely different tone it can get dark pretty fast. While I no longer drink, I do face periods in depression (as opposed to long term), where deeply telling emotions surface. I've come to realise I have to feel them in order to feel what they're trying to tell me. If what I'm feeling is a deep soul destroying heartbreaking pain, this'll tell me something/someone has impacted my soul and broken my heart in some incredibly deep way. If I was to drink through that, I would never come to feel exactly how deep it goes.

I've found cycling up can mean meeting with new feelings. Overwhelming gut wrenching heartache has quite a distinct feel to it. Gut, chest, throat and even the head, the whole body can literally ache. Sobbing, wailing and even screaming, whatever works to vent it. Talking it out often makes the most difference, making sense of it with someone.

Wondering whether you can say 'I met with an emotion that was highly triggering, that completely overwhelmed me. I drank so as to soften its blow. I'll assess it now that I'm sober and ask what that emotion could be about, what it's telling me'. If this process offers you a significant revelation, you've just raised yourself through what you felt as deeply depressing and/or extremely enraging.

With drinking, if you can, simply acknowledge that's how distressed you were before you go on to make better sense of exactly what it was about.