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Alana261 · ‎01-03-2023

What's wrong? Why are you saying this, whay can't you talk to us. If i knew what to say, id tell you.

This illness, it's nothing that's easily explained. The constant war inside of you, the fear the rejection. Lying to others about who you really are, lying to yourself. Feeling like who you are will never be enough, not for anyone. From the moment your eyes open all the thoughts the war inside of you they attack you. To the point your physically ill, and everything hurts from the toes up. When you love you love hard and that need for re assurance is constant. You say the worst possible things to people you love most, because hurting them is better then them hurting you. I don't mean to be this way, trust me I fight it. Every minute, every second of every day. Every breath feels like it's one to many, why burden the lives of the ones you love when you can gift them the loss of that burden by no longer existing. You just want to be free, free from the pain, the thought's. Because dying is easier then living, it sounds selfish and I'm sorry.

I just want to be free.

Sophie_M · ‎01-03-2023

Hi Alana261, Welcome to the forums and thank you for your bravery and openness in sharing here. It’s a really good place to have come to hear from others who understand what you’re going through. We can hear how difficult it has been lately, we’re so sorry that’s been going on. It sounds like it would be a great time to update the GP on how you’re going, especially since you’ve been having thoughts about suicide. We’d also really recommend calling the Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636. The counsellors there are super kind and supportive, they’re understanding and can be good to talk to right in the midst of these feelings, or at any moment so that you can work out your next steps in getting more support together with them on the phone. You can also reach them via webchat 24/7. If you’re feeling suicidal or are having thoughts about harming yourself, it's important that you take immediate steps to keep safe. If you feel unable to keep yourself from acting on your thoughts about suicide or self-harm this is an emergency, and you need to call 000 (triple zero). It also sounds like the Beyond Now suicide safety planning app may be a helpful resource to you. You can read about how it works and where to download it here: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning . You can even call Lifeline (131114) and compete it together with one of their counsellors over the phone We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you, and we’re sure they’ll spot your post soon enough and have some kind words and understanding for you. Kind regards, Sophie M

therising · ‎02-03-2023

Hi Alana

You have captured the cruelty and brutality of depression so perfectly with your words. I wish, with all my heart, you did not know how it feels. I wish you had the freedom to live your life without feeling depression's impact in such a painful and soul destroying way.

While I can relate to the psychological and biological/chemical impact of depression, I would have to say it's the way it impacts the soul which is most devastating. They way it invades the deepest part of you is what's felt the most. I say this based on my own experience. Perhaps, if not for depression, I may have continued to believe the soulful aspect of life as being simply a concept and nothing more. In the process of developing a more soulful take on life, I've discovered the more soulful or sensitive a person is, the more easy it is for them to feel what they face in life. Of course, this ability (to feel so easily and so deeply) can appear as cruel, especially when it comes to depression.

With the ability to feel so easily and so deeply, you can feel what 'heartbreak' and 'soul destroying' feel like. You can feel what 'no one making a difference' feels like. You can feel not just the impact of depression but the actual depth you're at. If depression is like a deep dark well that runs down for miles, you can feel the depths when you reach them. You can feel what 'a lack of vision' feels and looks like and what 'no one creating a vision for you' feels like. The list goes on. Basically, you can feel everything that's wrong and everything that's, understandably, depressing.

For those who feel so easily and so deeply, it is easy to feel words, tone, intent etc, therefor my advice to those around them is 'Be careful (full of care)'. If I was to say 'I feel so completely lost and I just can't find my way anymore', what I don't want to hear/feel as a response is 'You just need to get on with life'. I can feel the dismissal in those words, the shutdown and thoughtlessness. I can feel that person leaving me alone to work out how to find my way. What I want to hear/feel is someone say to me 'Let's work out where you are first, before we seek the best direction, together'. Nothing beats the feeling of a guide showing up when we feel so incredibly lost and alone.