Feeling like I'm stuck

[stuck_in_limbo]

Not sure if I am after any advice but I am more expressing my feelings....

I never thought I would be one of the people who had thought about suicide. The past few years have been rough, and I suffer from depression, anxiety and PTSD.

I feel as I only am living for my children. They are the reason I am still here. I mainly worry about what would happen to them if I was gone and that has kept me alive.

I'm worried that when they get older, they won't need me anymore and I won't have a reason to stay.

I can't tell my husband about this or anyone in my life as everyone has their own struggles, and I don't want anyone to feel like they aren't good enough or doing enough to give me a reason to stay.

I have no interest in hobbies anymore, nothing that brings me joy. I am always painting a happy face for my family, but it is exhausting.

I have come to the point where I envision myself getting sick terminally, so I can finally go, and my family won't blame themselves. 

If I was to be in a situation where I am dying, I wouldn't fight.

I don't know what to do, Drs don't really help to much and I'm terrified of being committed away from my family or being labelled. 

[Sophie_M]

Hey stuck_in_limbo,

Thank you for your bravery and openness in sharing here. It sounds like you’re going through a really difficult time, but it's so, so good that you could share this here. 

We’re sorry to hear you're feeling unable to talk about this with your husband – that must feel incredibly isolating. Is there anyone other than him that you would feel able to discuss this with? If you'd like to talk to the lovely counsellors over on the Beyond Blue Support service, they're available 24/7 for confidential discussions, to talk it through with you. You can reach them on 1300 22 4636 or online, here. 

If you’re feeling suicidal or are having thoughts about harming yourself, it's important that you take immediate steps to keep safe by calling Lifeline on 13 11 14, or our team on the number above. If you feel unable to keep yourself from acting on your thoughts about suicide or self-harm this is an emergency and you need to call 000 (triple zero).

It also sounds like the Beyond Now suicide safety planning app may be a helpful resource to you. You can read about how it works and where to download it here. You can even call Lifeline on 13 11 14 and compete it together with one of their counsellors over the phone.

We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you, and we’re sure they’ll spot your post soon enough and have some kind words and understanding for you.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[therising]

Hi stuck_in_limbo

Limbo is such a brutal place to be, so incredibly depressing and soul destroying at times. Nobody knows what it's like unless they've felt it for themself. I feel so deeply for you as you face this incredibly tormenting time in your life.

I've found the medical world can only help with so much when it comes to being stuck in limbo, especially when it feels so much like a soulful or soul destroying experience. I think it can feel, at times, like you can see who you were (who you used to be) and you just can't see who you're going to be or meant to be. So, here you are stuck and suffering in 'the in between'. Can be stuck there desperately wishing the people around you would raise you to come to know your self in all the ways you desperately need to.

While certain elements of psychology can help with the limbo factor, it doesn't help with every aspect of that factor. For example, in the efforts to raise yourself or let yourself rise, sometimes all that weighs you down has to be addressed, such as with trauma. From a soulful perspective, the question 'What part or what parts of me need to come to life in order for me to better understand my natural self beyond the trauma I've addressed?' becomes a relevant question. How does psychology deal with our intolerant sense of self suddenly coming to life, that part of us that's all about fire and grit and a take no prisoners attitude when it comes to people treating us poorly? With this being such a natural part of who we are, something worth celebrating (with a 'Happy Birthday' on the occasion where that part of us is born) we can sometimes wrongly be labeled as 'suddenly developing anger issues'. Dealing with the birth of a new aspect of our self, a new facet, can definitely be a soulful experience, fueling us with the kind of energy that finally connects us to life itself. Managing this new sense of self becomes the challenge in the process of raising our self in so many ways.

[Eagle Ray]

Hi stuck_in_limbo

I think it’s good sometimes to just express what you feel. If it helps at all I’ve had similar feelings in recent weeks. I’ve thought it doesn’t matter if I’m here or not then thought of getting a dog just so I had something to live for, something depending on me so I have a purpose to exist. But I’m starting to pull through now but I think it’s where we can get to within ourselves sometimes.

Sometimes too parts of us are even trying to grow and change, which I think is what the Rising is saying, and it can feel like a kind of dying in itself just before a newer part of ourselves comes through. I don’t know if that’s what you’re experiencing, but just wondering if the uncomfortable, painful limbo place you’re in is that?

I’ve also just realised that for me personally there seem to be strong hormonal imbalance factors relating to perimenopause that have been amplifying everything I’m feeling. I’m now researching that and getting some medical advice next week.

So sometimes a few things can potentially make you feel really bad. I would really recommend talking to someone if you feel awful and don’t feel you can speak with your husband. I’ve called both Lifeline and the Beyond Blue helpline recently. It can be a relief just to tell someone else how you feel. I let them know suicidal thoughts were there but that I wasn’t about to act on it. I just needed to chat with another human. You can do web chat too if that’s easier.

Take care and reach out anytime you feel the need to whether here, a helpline, a counsellor/psych, GP etc. Whatever feels will help for you xx