Too gutless to kill myself, Too terrified to live.

[MelissaG50]

Hi, my name is Melissa. I am a 51 year old mother of 3.

I joined a while ago, but never really posted or read anything until now, tbh trying to work out how to use the forums is a bit confusing.

So here I am introducing myself.  Late teens was when I first started suffering from Clinical Depression, but I had no idea what was going on.  When I finished Hight School and started working Anxiety and Panic Attacks reared their ugly heads.  Then at 25 I was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome,

I started working as a clerk in a Hospital Emergency, and whilst there my antidepressants were changed and when i wheined off the first one brand I suffered my first nervous breakdown at 29.  Then had 2 more in the next few years.

In 2006, my husband and I lost our 2nd child, a son.  I hit rock bottom and can't remember the next 3 months.

I spent the next 11 years being alive but not really living, then in 2017, when things were going well I enrolled to become a nail technician.  I was so excited I felt like I could really make a change.  then 5 weeks into the course within 3 days, we had handed over a child we were kinship caring for and had for 4 years (there was major issues with the people handling our fostering setup) and my mother had passed away.

It's 5 years later and I am broken, I can't work because I have no self esteem, confidence.  I am so lonely because I live in a town without family, which I have cut myself off from.  I have no friends because I know no one to go anywhere with to meet to new people.  NOT that I really even believe that I am worth while anyone getting to know me.

I am stuck because I am too gutless to kill myself and too terrified to try living.

Apologies for the post.

Thanks for reading

Melissa 🐄

PS. I would never try to kill myself, I couldn't do that to my kids.

[Sophie_M]

Hi MelissaG50,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for posting here tonight.

We're so very incredibly sorry to hear about your losses and overall struggles with mental health from such an early age. You've been so strong, although we suspect you are not feeling that way ATM. Often survival takes up so much energy and so much determination when we're going through so much, that we don't stop to recognise how strong we have actually been to keep going - especially being a parent and having to keep on keeping on for them day after day. Mums are really superheros (even ones that are terrified of living - actually more so).

We'd really love to talk with you Melissa, and hope that you might consider reaching out to us to see if we can help to support you and be there for you. Our phone and chat lines are open 24/7 and it's totally confidential... 1300 22 4636 or click here for webchat.

Everyone here on the forums all know that you're worth knowing and helping - that's just the depression speaking MelissaG50. Also, please let us know what professional supports you're accessing ATM, so we can understand what sort of advice to give you as well as love and support.

Looking forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[geoff]

Hello Melissa, what you hve suffered is unimaginable, because chronic fatigue syndrome (cfs) just for starters is a horrible illness, let alone depression and anxiety only contributes to the wows of your condition and makes your situation very difficult to cope with.

CFS is an illness most people find it hard to accept because they expect you to just get up and keep doing what you have previously done, but it doesn't work like this because you lose your lack of concentration, unable to exercise or do what others are able to do, inciting depression and anxiety.

Ech one of these needs to be dealt with separately and in good time, although at the end of your treatment, then they can be combined, but with due care.

Are you able to reconnect with your family, but only as much as you want to.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[Mark Z.]

Hi Melissa,

Thank you for sharing your story. I can't imagine how hard it is for you.

I'm so sorry that you feel very lonely. Do you mind sharing what's your husband's status? Is he caring and supportive? And are you having any professional treatment including seeing a psychologies in last few years?

Warmly,

Mark

[MelissaG50]

Sophie,

You know when you hit a low spot and you feel trapped and you just want to get to the top of a mountain and just scream until you are hoarse.

Most days I am okay but with not having someone to talk to in person I posted hear. Alterior motive was to see how the forums worked and maybe find a social forum to get to chat with some people.

My doctor is aware of my mental health issues, I also have a psychologist I see regularly but as we know there are no quick fixes.

Summing all my problems is as simple as the fact that I am struggling with low self image, lack of confidence, and because of these things worthy of friendship and happiness. 

Melissa

[MelissaG50]

Hi Geoff

Reconnecting with my family is difficult because I have a real fear of making phone calls, I get a chill when the phone rings, and ever since I first suffered from CFS (and the things you said about that are very true) I can't seem to drive for  any kind of distance, also my husband doesn't drive nor does he talk to my family.  So I'd have to travel on the train on my own.

My dad is 85 with health conditions that makes his ability to travel distances difficult.

So I do what I can when I can but it's not enough. 

Thanks

Melissa

[MelissaG50]

Hi Mark

Well my husband is understanding but as long as we don't talk about it and he doesn't have to deal with it.

I think that's why I feel so isolated. 

I have support from doctors and a psychologist.  Just some days I need a friend to trust in and I don't have that.

Thanks

Melissa

[therising]

Hi Melissa

You're a deeply feeling person who has felt so much over time and that's nothing to apologise for. My heart goes out to you as you face many forms of heartache/heartbreak along with pure overwhelming exhaustion.

I can't help but wonder whether you've always been what some may refer to as 'a sensitive' (someone who can easily sense feelings within themself and others), an incredibly special ability that can more like a curse at times. Such people are leaders, where they'll feel the compulsion to lead others out of suffering, a form of sufferance they can feel others experiencing. They can be light workers, where they're often working to shed light for others when it comes to finding the best way forward. They can be highly active in the ways they love, taking action through service, as opposed to being all talk. Such a sensitive person can be a combo of all 3 factors and more. If this is you

1. Who is your leader, the person/people who lead you out of times of sufferance?
2. Who is your light worker, the person/people who shed light for you?
3. Who is your actively loving person or people, the person or people who actively love you to life?

Is it possible you are the only outstanding person you know, in all these ways?

I know this sounds so seriously far outside the square but as a gal who loves stuff outside the square I wonder if you've ever researched Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Empaths.

Life can be far from easy for a feeler/a sensitive. They are known to store feelings in the body, therefor need to know how to make sense of them and release them in a number of ways, so they don't lead to a build up of severe dis-ease or disease.

As a 52yo gal, I've become a demanding feeler over time. When my husband doesn't like to feel how I feel (esp when the feelings can be tough and depressing ones), my response to him has become 'Stop being so selfish. Feel for me'.

[liamA]

hi Melissa, my name is Liam, I have been struggling myself as of late and I appreciate your post deeply. I just want to say I love you

[MelissaG50]

Hello therising

Over the years I have deducted that I indeed an empath/sensitive.  It is very exhausting.  As for your 3 points you mentioned I don't have anyone in my live that plays any of these roles in my life.  I think that's why I hold people back a bit because if I step into the current I get washed away with everyone else's drama/emotions and feel like I could roll up into the fetal position.

I am indeed the only person I know, who is this way.

What you said is true, I love how my heart and soul work, but it's hard to get that bucket refilled at the end of the day.

I love that you get me it's so refreshing. And reading what you have written has made me think about finding a sort of outlet or release process. 

Thanks so much.

Melissa