Exhausted... finding strength to move forward

einebrucke · ‎22-05-2021

I don't expect this post to result in miracle advice that makes everything better, but I hope it finds a community of people with similar pain. I wake up every day full of anxiety/panic and I want to kill myself. A parent committed suicide when I was growing up, and at various low points in life, I've considered suicide. I'm in my 40s and a well-educated professional. But several years ago, my first wife left me. I feel into a deep depression that significantly impacted my work performance (despite therapy and meds). I also remarried into an unhealthy relationship. And I was binge drinking on weekends/holidays. A few years ago, I was fired from my job of many years and my second wife left me. I guess I hit the F-it button and survived a couple years exhausting my savings. Once I ran out of money, I thought I would just kill myself. The primary thing that's held me back is the pain it would cause the few family members I have left. In the past couple years, I've taken some positive steps and am trying to start working again. I'm also living a healthier lifestyle and drink infrequently. But I'm unemployed, in debt, alone, full of regret and my professional confidence is shot. Hence, waking up in anxiety/panic and wanting to just end my own suffering. I just don't know if I have the emotional energy to pull myself out of this hole. So if you've had similar thoughts, know you're not alone. And please let me know if you've found any helpful strategies that keep you moving forward despite all the pain and regret.

Sophie_M · ‎22-05-2021

Hi einebrucke,

Welcome to the forums, we are so glad that you've taken a big step in sharing your thoughts and feelings here with our wonderful community.

We're so sorry to hear what you have been going through, it sounds like things must be really overwhelming. We understand this is such a difficult time for you, and we think you are so brave for reaching out here. Please know that you don't have to go through this on your own.

If you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

We also strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

We hope that you will find some comfort here on the forums. Please feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it.

bettertomorrows · ‎24-05-2021

Hi einebrucke,

Thank you for sharing your story, and I'm sorry things have been rough for you. I'm very happy you're with us, and I want to affirm your strength and courage in taking steps to rebuild your life. Finding employment and getting back on a healthy lifestyle can be so hard, especially when, like you said, waking up in panic/anxiety is a struggle. But you have done really well in that aspect, and I admire that.

Though I cannot fully say I relate and I understand your experience, there are days I wake up and I think 'stuff it I'm really so done', I'm tired and there is regret and sadness. I've found it helpful to get busy so I don't have to sit with my thoughts - volunteering, hobbies, exercise are great places to be in. When I do sit with my thoughts and feelings, I try to journal or write it to get it all out - it feel betters when it's out of me than when it's all knotted in my head.

I hope it helps!

Fiatlux · ‎24-05-2021

Hi

Hope you are feeling better today.

I found that my biggest barrier to suicide, was life itself.

I had the best laid plans to end my life, when, where and how and life and what I call unfinished business, kept popping up.

I wanted the end of my life to be an easy, smooth transition for my children. So getting Wills and Assets sorted was very important to me.

But, things like, Covid kept interfering with my best laid plan.

I have slowly come to terms with my many mental health issues and I am learning to cope with it.

The more I talk about suicide, the more I think what a stupid idea it is.

Regardless of how and when my life ends, there will be grief and trauma and suffering for people I leave behind, especially my children.

So, when I feel the dark cloud of depression hanging over me, I login here and other forums for support.

einebrucke · ‎26-05-2021

bettertomorrows and Fiatlux... thank you so much for your words and thoughts. As suggested, I have found that journaling helps, and that led me to finally post something for the first time. Getting thoughts out in any form is helpful rather than playing them in an endless loop in my own head.

And Fiatlux, I really connect with your thoughts re unfinished business. I am torn between thoughts of it might get better vs it's been bad long enough vs is this too selfish in the pain it would cause my family. Specifically to the latter, I've felt that I would need everything to be as logistically as easy on them as possible. But getting everything sorted feels like a hurdle. And perhaps it's a healthy hurdle... a speed bump and impediment.

But living with this anxiety, sadness and regret for years is really a struggle. It's helpful to log on here to see I'm not alone and to be able to speak honestly. I wish everyone the best in their own journeys...