Everything's too much and I don't know what to do

[MeepMorp]

Title. I'm sick of having government freaks from centrelink breath down my neck trying to force me to work a job I can't mentally take. I just want an out. I feel like I'm truly coming up on my ending. My partner is American and I need this money to figure out the convoluted immigration system every country's adopted because 9/11 ruined the world. Capitalism and the need to work myself to death is terrible it's all i think about. I'm not built for this world. I'm 21 now - I had to leave high school in year 11 because it was too much for me. I've worked one job for two months since then and I truly hated it. Left because I was bullied for being trans by staff and upper management. And those people will never ever understand suffering like I do. My whole life has been suffering. I was abused at a very young age by my dad and it's impacted my life forever. Every day I have panic attacks and am just sad. All I do is sit here and listen to 100 gecs or death grips while dissociating. I'm not built for a capitalist world where human life is thrown to the side in the eternal chase for higher and higher profits. I truly have been having more and more suicidal ideations and it's terrible. Nothing truly interests me. Any sort of job would just drive me insane.

Sorry that this post is just a ramble lol i'm just putting every thought that comes into my head down onto the keyboard.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Guest_25295182, Welcome to the forums and thank you for your bravery and openness in sharing here. We can hear how difficult things have been recently, we’re so sorry that’s been going on.

We’re reaching out to you privately to make sure you’re ok. If you want to reach out to our counsellors to talk this through, we’re on 1300 22 4636, and you can reach us online here https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/talk-to-a-counsellor. There are also our friends over at the Suicide Call Back service on 1300 659 467, or Lifeline on 13 11 14.

It sounds like it would be a really good time to update the GP on how you’re going, especially since you’ve been having thoughts about suicide. If you’re feeling suicidal or are having thoughts about harming yourself, it's important that you take immediate steps to keep safe, and you need to call 000 (triple zero).

It sounds like you have been coping with these feelings for a long time. Is there anything that helped you in the past that you could consider drawing on today? Was it a good counsellor or mental health professional? Or was something suggested in a suicide safety plan, like sharing your feelings with a close friend or relative? Or was it something you were doing like exercise or creativity that distracts you and gives you some purpose? We’d love to hear if there’s anything coming to mind.

We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you, and we’re sure they’ll spot your post soon enough and have some kind words and understanding for you.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[MeepMorp]

just ain't no point in telling my gp. they'll just ship me off to a psych ward and i won't be able to take my medication which would just make me even more depressed lol. therapy has never worked for me - i've been juggled between probably ten different therapists since i was 12 and nothing has ever helped. how would they help seeing as all of my problems are external? i wish i could draw and have a creative outlet but i've tried over the years and it always looks like a 5 year old drew it. i don't find drawing fun - i find it saddening and frustrating. i don't like drawing, just the idea of making something i think looks nice. all of my close friends (except my partner, whom i've already shared everything with) have betrayed me and left me over the years. all of my relatives are too dull around the edges to understand things - too indoctrinated by the system that "if they work hard they'll make it big!"

sorry - i don't mean to be dismissive but it's just stuff i've heard my whole life. stuff that's never worked. i appreciate it though.

[MeepMorp]

forgot to add, i've been on numerous antidepressants of multiple types and none have ever worked for me. i've looked into studies done by the US government and discovered that true 'chemical imbalance' depression is incredibly rare and that most cases of depression is from external forces in a person's life. and that antidepressants are mainly placebo more than anything. it's rough.

[smallwolf]

hello,

I've read your story (or that part that you have put here) and saddened by what you have said and had to experience in your life to date. I hope you don't mind my short reply here - I noticed you wanting some sort of creative outlet. Perhaps this is a way for you to let go, or express what you have gone through? Have you thought about journaling or writing (perhaps a blog)? Even painting can be therapeutic! While I cannot paint anything realistic, what I do paint has meaning for myself and that's all that matters. I will also go over the same spot until it is close to what is in my head. What do you think?

[MeepMorp]

I've tried writing over the years and the only time I liked it was when it was collaborative. I don't have any want to write anymore though. Painting has the same effect on me as drawing - I just end up crying and crying and destroying whatever I made and hiding it so nobody can find it and only I know the shameful thing I created.

It feels like my life is on a one-way track to me working a job to survive and being miserable whilst doing it until I off myself. Maybe before that. I'm sick of job providers putting unfair expectations on me and not understanding me as a human. They only understand their KPIs and money. I hate capitalism. I want the system to burn. I just want to be free. I want to live my life with my partner and just enjoy things. I'm sick of existing. I want to live. But living's impossible unless you're born at the top. So it feels like the only escape is .....