Emotionally, spiritually and physically tired

[Supermum]

Hello all, the last 2 and a half years have been exhausting and I feel like I am just living in an empty universe. I don’t want to talk to my family, my psychologist or anyone . I just want to be quiet and alone. Sometimes life is bearable and I love my children and feel more committed to living but other times I just want it to stop. For the silence and peace to begin. Would it be so awful for those around me to no longer have me in their lives as my constant up and down with sadness must be as tiring for them as it is for me. Things that used to help me focus and be grateful for small things don’t seem to snap me back into place and I just don’t want to do this anymore pure and simple.

[Amanda2000]

Hi Supermum,

I hope this can help you feel some positivity. Your post is helping me heaps!

Your original post describes exactly how I feel. My condition is worse on weekends/school holidays when my family is at home. It's like my life has to revolve around their schedule. At least you're still able to spend time with your family, I get anxiety from any noise they make (whether it's their footsteps or talking or closing of the kitchen-cupboard or running of the tap). The downstairs of my house is mostly tiled which really magnifies any sounds. Lately I feel the irrational need to hide/flee if I hear them approaching. Basically I don't want to see them at all. I would avoid going into common areas like the kitchen until no one is there. Maybe I just need to regain the personal-space that I have lost since the start of the covid-situation when everyone is encouraged to stay home.

You are not alone. My thoughts are with you.

[smallwolf]

This is more of a rhetorical question than looking for an answer in a reply... I wonder what the fear to truth you are afraid of, that makes you drink to numb the feeling?

It sounds to me like you are thinking that drinking is a bad choice. And while it may numb the feeling at the time, whatever is haunting you has not gone away. It sounded like those around you were also having fun, which in part can be attributed to you. I also remember from your previous posts that you are critical of yourself and if anything like me, doubt yourself and you abilities and strengths.

Peace and comforting thoughts to you, Tim

[Supermum]

Hi , I’m glad that my honesty can help you to know you are truly not alone x

Being with my family is like auto pilot- I am able to wear my mask without much trouble . Hold onto the negative intrusive thoughts . I hear what your saying though the onslaught of noise , the overbearing moments of family life can get quite unbearable at times .

it helps to know we are not alone x

[Supermum]

Hi Tim , the truth .. I don’t think I know what that is anymore .. fear of failure , fear of making the wrong choice , fear if being seen for who I am , for wanting more ?

i know drinking isn’t the answer or the solution but it lets me escape for a little while . 

My children love me this I see and feel but it’s not enough to keep me here . I think ?

[Sophie_M]

Hi Supermum, 

We hope that you know it's okay to want more in your life. We're sorry to hear that these thoughts or feelings are leaving you with a sense of fear. 

We would recommend that you open up to a trusted loved one about what you're going through internally, if you can. It sounds like this has  been hard for you - you might want to take a look at our page “Talk about it" for some tips.

If you need to talk to someone tonight, please do, and remember your webchat supports:

• Beyond Blue 3pm-12am AEST (www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport) 
• Suicidal Call Back Service (1300 659 467, https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/)
• Lifeline (13 11 14, https://www.lifeline.org.au/crisis-chat/) 

We're glad to see that you are connecting with more community members and that this has been helpful for you. 

[smallwolf]

going out on a limb and talking about myself here. Of course some of what I am about to say could be wrong. Worry about that when I see my psychologist next.

I was speaking with someone yesterday about things and one of the things that came up was a need (crushing) in obedience. I do things the way I am told etc. Don't deviate in any way. This person told me I needed to be a little less obedient to find my real self. I know that might not make sense. Anyway, I googled obedience and depression and some of things that came up in the results were related to OCPD. Now I don't like self-diagnosing and I spoke with someone else about the symtoms and they said all sounds like you. Some of the things on the list were need for lists, perfectionism, need to please, frugal, fear of making the wrong choice, fear of failure etc.

Now I am not saying this is you at all... My point here is that other people find worth and value in me that I do not see. And I think it fair to say this applies to you as well.

What would it look like if you did show the real you to those around you?

One exercise I was given from my psych was to "rock the boat" - to show the real me in a conversation and see what happened. Ultimately nothing bad happened and I was very nervous before hand.

I would guess those things that scare you also mean.... you do make good decisions based on the information available at the time and therefore could be said to make the right decisions as a mother,parent,partner, etc. Despite your drinking afterward this is exemplified in spending time with the family.

Learning that good enough is OK is difficult (extremely! for me) and you are more than that. Perhaps some self-care ideas?

Tim

[Supermum]

My psychiatrist has diagnosed me with OCPD and high funtioning depression ... not that I like labels or saying like a diagnosis defines who I am . You are very observant though.

[smallwolf]

while I am not a big fan of labels, it does give me something to work with - whether that is for managing, treating, accepting, coping or whatever word you want to choose. And I agree 100% that it does not define you. It can also help me in looking for the positives.

I would say don't change but that would be somewhat self defeating. Perhaps remember you are WORTHY and VALUED by those around you. (Perhap I will remind myself of that also)

[Doolhof]

Hi Supermum,

Having a diagnosis can help. I have found it beneficial to know what it is that I am experiencing. Knowing more about the conditions helps to understand why I acta and behave the way I do.

This gives me freedom to experiment with what may work to help me feel better. It also prevents me from being so hard on myself all the time.

Does it help you to know that you have a diagnosis? Can you relate it to a person who is told they have say diabetes. The diagnosis helps them to better understand what is happening to them.

I know mental health affects us differently than a physical ailment.

When you are feeling overwhelmed when with family, can you work on tactics or strategies to help reduce the negatives you are feeling so you feel more settled and grounded?

Hope you find some solutions. Cheers from Dools

[quirkywords]

Supermum

I have had a label for over 46 years and I rallied it against it at first for many years and now it does not define me, it is just a label but it did help me get help.

I agree Tim is very observant helpful and insightful and I am learning from the conversations between the two of you.

I like the way you are willing to be open to ideas and are honest in sharing your true feelings.

I am sure your words are helping many who are reading .

Thanks again for being able to share your experiences.

Quirky