Dont know what to do

[JustChaos]

I dont even know where to start so this may get real confusing...

Im a middle aged male, 3 beautiful children to two ex partners.
My most recent separation has really been a kick in the nuts, I left due to emotional abuse that has stuck with me and changed me. Im heavily introverted and struggle to make my own decisions now after being controlled for 8 years by someone else, my emotions are wildly out of wack where i find myself getting overly aggressive over minor inconveniences in life. At the same time I cant help but notice that no matter how hard i try nothing seems to go to plan.

For the past week ive convinced myself that ending my life would be the best option, But then I see the smile on my childrens faces and it brings me to tears just thinking of leaving them. Im so torn between making a firm decision that im ready to leave but then imagining them when they realise theyll never see me again...I feel so selfish.

I have delt with depression quite bad in the past, ive tried 4 different medications without success and one of the medications actually led to an attempt. I havent been back to the doctors at all, I dont want to keep trying multiple medications I just want to level my emotions out and control myself, control my life again...

I feel so helpless, Even while writing this i feel its just a waste of time and that ive forgotten what i even wanted to get off my chest...

[JustChaos]

I should probably also add that I have told 3 different people that ive made this choice, it kinda feels like everyones shrugging it off as a plea for attention rather than a plea for help.

[Sophie_M]

Hey JustChaos,

Welcome to our community! Thank you for reaching out here tonight, it's not always easy and we are really glad you've done so. We can hear that you're really struggling with some heavy feelings and thoughts at the moment. Coming out of a relationship where one is controlled by another for a long time is a big change and can have a roller coaster effect on thoughts and feelings. We also hear that you love your three beautiful children and want to be there for them which is a very positive thing. You are in a safe, non-judgmental space here where you can talk about what you are going through. Hopefully you will find the support you need from our wonderful community members.

Sometimes it's hard to find our way out of conflicting, difficult thoughts on our own. Please know that there is support available to you. You can contact our Support Service 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport.  We have also reached out to you privately to offer some additional support.

Please remember if at any time you are in immediate danger to yourself, this is an emergency and you must contact triple zero (000).

Do keep posting here on the forums to let us know how you're doing, whenever you feel up to it.

[smallwolf]

Hi. Just thought I would check in and see how you are going?

Firstly, going through a separation is a big deal and so your reactions to different things will change. For example, you said you get aggressive over minor things.

I also noticed how much you love your children. I have a list of reasons to live and my children are there. As Sophie said, this is a positive!

While it may be a struggle now, I also like to use an analogy of walking up a mountain. Sometimes we have go into a valley to find a better way to the top. Right now you may be in the valley, and after a while on your way up again.

You are a courageous person for writing here and I hope you might come back to tell more of your story.

Tim