Don’t know if this is good or bad

H-c · ‎30-06-2020

Hi, so a while ago I was feeling really how do I describe this? down in the dumps. Last several months including last year . So um I still have these thoughts and all and I’m still irritated 24/7 to the point where ppl asks why I’m always mad. How do I tell them I’m not and I don’t know why I’m feeling this way either? I still have mini panic attacks and feel like disappearing every time... Everyone still assumes that I’m okay and I’ve got everything figured out but why couldn’t they see (I mean of course they can’t see) that I can’t sleep, and stay up till 1-3 trying to sleep because of all these thoughts and trying to figure out how I wouldn’t disappoint them or let them down why am I expected to know everything. Like I’m not some superhuman or anything.

So yeah... that’s basically it I don’t know if it’s good or bad. If it is on a scale of one to ten on it being bad ten being the worst how bad is it.

sisu100 · ‎08-07-2020

Hi H-c,

It’s so lovely to hear back from you. I’m really sorry for the delay in response, I am mostly on the forums on Wednesdays and Thursdays as part of my placement. Last week you were feeling really down and stuck at the bottom of the mountain. I remember that you rated your situation as a ten, with ten being the worst end of the scale. How are you feeling on the scale this week?

It seems like there’s a couple changes you like to see in life- you want the negative thoughts to be disappear, and you want to be able to sleep earlier and feel more refreshed in the morning. Unfortunately, what you want is not matching your reality at the moment, and this is making you feel really unhappy with yourself- does that sound right? I can see from some of your previous posts that you’ve been dealing with intrusive thoughts and sleep troubles for some time and that you’ve made countless efforts to try and improve your situation. Just like leesy_lou, I think your strength is so inspiring and I also want to commend you for being so open and resilient. It takes so much just to be able to persevere through such difficult times, and you should be so proud of yourself for continuing to remain so strong.

Sometimes we find ourselves getting a bit lost in dark moments, particularly when it’s hard to find hope or figure out what to do next because we feel like our circumstances won’t improve. I can see that therising has posted some great questions to think about when trying to understand yourself and the way that you're feeling. Remember you're not alone- we're here to support you and can help you unpack some of these questions if you would find that helpful.

I can imagine that dealing with everything going on at the moment can be exhausting, particularly when you’re experiencing constant headaches and lack of sleep. I do hope that you can find time to engage in things that make you feel good. Recently, I’ve been getting into exercise lately and have been really enjoying working out at home. I find it gives me so much more energy, and it also gives me something to look forward to doing every day. If you’re comfortable in sharing, what type of activities or interests do you enjoy?

I'd love to continue chatting, please feel free to update us on how you're doing if you're up to it 🙂

H-c · ‎11-07-2020

Hi sisu100,

I thought that I was feeling better in the holidays started smiling more but now it’s like a sudden drop. One of the people I’ve been talking to told me that they want to end it all.. how am I supposed to reply? Why are they telling me this? When I myself feel like I’m slowly loosing myself. I really wanna help them I do but I don’t know how and I feel so bad.
I don’t even know what type of activities I enjoy anymore. I used to like arts and crafts and maths and physics but now I’m lost I’m just tired and have no will to do those.

sisu100 · ‎15-07-2020

Hi H-c,

I’m glad to hear that you started feeling better in the holidays and I’m sorry that hasn’t lasted very long. I imagine hearing such confronting feelings from someone close to you has taken a toll on your own mental health. How are you feeling today?

I have to say, you sound like such a compassionate and caring person. It takes a lot for someone to be able to open up about such confronting feelings, and the person who shared that with you must trust you dearly. I can hear from your post that you want to help them badly, and I think that’s such an amazing quality you have, considering how much you're coping with right now.

Finding words to start a conversation can be tricky, especially when you don’t know what kind of help you can offer. It can be as simple as checking in- just letting them know that you’re there to help them. It might seem small, but it can make a big difference to the person experiencing difficulties. Perhaps you could start a checking in system for you and your friend, where you could just send each other a message or a phone call to see how the other is doing- would that be something you’d be interested in?

While caring for someone you care about, it’s important that you look after your own wellbeing as well. I know you’re also going through a lot yourself at the moment, so it’s important to remember that you don’t have to shoulder this responsibility alone. It might seem scary to ask for a hand, but there are lots of support services to help both you and your friend. If you and your friend were comfortable, it might be helpful to talk to a trusted adult like a parent or teacher about how they’re feeling. You and your friend can also get in touch with Beyond Blue Support Service (1300 22 4636) or Lifeline (13 11 14), to a professional to help talk through what you’re going through. You could even introduce them to the forums if you were comfortable in doing so. Remember, if your friend needs urgent help you can call 000.

Now back to you. Those sound like great interests, and I can empathise with how difficult it can be to engage with things you enjoy when you’re feeling so tired and low at the moment. I can’t say that I’m the biggest maths and physics fan, but I definitely do enjoy a bit of arts and crafts! What type of creative activities did you get up to?

Please do keep updating us on how you’re going whenever you’re up to it. I do hope that things are picking up so we can see more of your smiling face 🙂

leesy_lou · ‎16-07-2020

Hi H-c,

Thinking of you and can relate to how it feelings when things are going well then all of a sudden 360 backwards for no specific reason. Have your intrusive thoughts come back at night?

Sisu100 suggestions about how to support your friend sound really really helpful (thank-you!)- I like the idea of just being there, and the "checking in" sounds like it could be really helpful given the situation?

I know when things aren't going well with me, I don't confide in another until I reach a certain threshold if that makes sense. Than once I have I feel nervous to do again so I can see how the check in could be really helpful. I also find I pick friends who have experiences something similar and who I feel will really understand me, and this could possibly be the same for your friend, in why they chose you. I wonder if you can use your own experiences to think of what might be helpful for your friend right now, or to reflect on why they might have chosen you to reach out too?

Although you feel you want to help your friend, I hear you saying that right now that might not possible given how you are feeling, and the fact that you have your own issues to deal with, let alone another. Thats a completely valid reason to not go at this alone and bring someone else onboard, or connect them with someone else to also talk to. To be completely honest, whether you felt up to it or not, supporting someone else is easier and safer with more people and professionals involved so reach out to others is something we should always consider doing. What supports, besides you of course do they have at the moment?

Thinking of you and hoping you were able to get a few good hours of sleep last night ❤️

H-c · ‎22-07-2020

Update: I don’t even know what I’m currently feeling Rn i don’t even feel like taking care of myself. My sleep schedule is getting gradually worse and my eye bags are getting darker and darker. I just want this thing to stop i want to start improving i want to talk to people without having to worry whether they feel like I’m too bossy for thinks I’m trying to sound smart, i want to stop worrying, i want these mood swings and the constant anxiety to stop i want to start getting better and bring my grades up,i want my voice to stop shaking whenever i talk to people I’m not close with, i want to stop crying myself to sleep. I don’t wanna keep going on like this anymore i want to disappear. I feel like absolute trash.

I told one of my close friends that i know someone who wants to end it all and describe their problems(that someone being me) That they’re really tired and feel like absolute trash and don’t want to continue anymore..(I told her that because I’m scared they’ll judge and i was right). She replied why don’t they just do it then.... how am i supposed to reply to that.. not once did they show any sympathy but after saying that they ranted about how they want jump off a cliff as a joke like i feel that that’s really rude and the burden did not go away it got heavier..

Someone please make it stop,

Sophie_M · ‎22-07-2020

Hey H-C, thanks for continuing to reach out here. We're so sorry to hear how overwhelmed and distressed you've been lately. It sounds like your experiences of anxiety are really affecting your everyday life and sleep schedule. We're also sorry to hear about your friend's response, we can imagine it would've felt so awful to hear. We want you to know that you are valuable and we're here to provide you with as much support, advice and conversation as you need.

Our Support Service is trying to reach out to you via email as we are worried about you.

We hope you know that there is always help available to you. If you are not sure of how to access mental health support, please contact the Beyond Blue Support Service anytime on 1300 22 4636 or get in touch with us on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport

We would strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

Please check in and let us know how you are whenever you feel up to it.

therising · ‎23-07-2020

Hi H-c

When we feel our self heading towards the depths of depression, it can definitely feel torturous and we can definitely have more questions than ever before, with very few answers. Makes you want to scream.

Sounds like your brain is in a state of serious hyperactivity. One of the things about this involves the importance of energy restoration. You definitely sound exhausted and understandably so. You might be thinking 'I really don't need anymore energy (to feed my brain)' but while the brain is hyper, our overall body can end up suffering. When we're chronically fatiguing our systems through stress it's important to keep in mind they can't keep functioning efficiently in such a state of dis-ease. Energy restoration through sleep sounds like a significant factor for you. By the way, while breathing exercises are often recommended for stress relief, it's important we practice the right breathing exercises. I recall coming across and article where the guy was saying that very few breathing exercises focus on the out breath (the breath that exhausts stress). I believe he's spot on for our body naturally exhausts stress through long sighs. You can always tell when someone's stressed - they sigh (give a long breath out). Anyhow...enough of that.

The big question, 'Do you know who you naturally are?' You mention in your 1st post 'Like I’m not some superhuman or anything'. What if you were to work out who you are from a super natural perspective. Would you say

I'm someone who can't naturally survive on little energy restoration
I'm someone who's naturally curious/wary of what is going through a person's mind
I'm someone who's trying to naturally gain understanding as to why I tick the way I do
I'm someone who's naturally frustrated by a lack of answers regarding my mental well being. I'm someone who's naturally brought down by a lack of answers, while not being raised through greater consciousness

So, you could say you're a very natural person experiencing an exhausting and depressing quest when it comes to self understanding.

One of the toughest things about such an experience involves a lot of people not naturally understanding the pain and torture that can come with such an experience. Surround yourself with people who can relate and you'll naturally feel more supported. You've come to the right place here.

Would it be 'judgement' you wish to naturally let go of? It's a tough one. We can't naturally be our self when we're focused on judgement.

🙂

leesy_lou · ‎23-07-2020

H-c,

From what you are saying, right now life seems to be really testing you. I can almost hear your mind on overdrive so clearly yearn for the things you feel you don't have right now. It's understandable that you feel like absolute crap given your current level of anxiety and depression. I think wanting all of these things such as having conversations with others without doubt, and with confidence is a really common goal for people with anxiety or mental health issues in general.

I hear you say that taking care of yourself is really hard right now, which given the way you describe feeling, I understand. I'm really proud of you for reaching out to your friend about how you were feeling. Shows that you are an amazing self-advocate when you need to be. Hold on to this and what I have said. I'm sorry for the way she reacted, it was not what you needed to hear AT ALL. Joking about suicide is not funny, its never okay. As someone who has experienced its ugly head you understand this and understand that its much more than just wanting to die. Unfortunately, some people don't and react in inappropriate ways which is so upsetting to hear. Connecting on hear is hopefully more helpful.

Maybe its time to connect with a mental health professional or check in with your GP or a GP trained in mental health in your area. They are trained to know how to respond and can help you get a hold of things a little. Is there anyone that comes to mind?

Reaching out a helping hand ❤️

sisu100 · ‎23-07-2020

Hi H-c,

Thank you for keeping us updated on how you’ve been doing. We really appreciate you taking the time to keep coming back and checking in with us, I know that it must be difficult given everything going on right now.

I know it must have taken a lot for you to open up to your friend about your problems. What your friend said in return was terrible and extremely hurtful. I’m so sorry that they did not take it seriously – suicide is not a joke and should never be treated as one. Sometimes when people hear about such confronting experiences, they may not know how to respond appropriately and perhaps that is why they reacted in such a way. I wish I could give you a big hug through the screen right now. Know that you are NOT a burden. You deserve love and support. I think it was super brave of you to have reached out to your friend and I really hope that this experience will not discourage you to continue seeking support from your other friends and family. I’m so grateful that you have opened up here, we are here to sit through this pain and help you through this. I hope by sharing here, we can help you relieve some of that burden you’re carrying on your shoulders.

I’m sorry to hear that the mood swings, anxiety and sleep issues have not improved. Are there things that you’ve tried to help you cope with managing all of this? Perhaps if we can get an idea of what has and hasn’t worked for you, we can try and come up with ways of how we can best support you. Like leesy_lou has suggested, a good first step might be to talk to a professional to help you manage with some of these issues- would that be something you’d be interested in?

I hope that you do continue to update us on how you’re going. Remember we are always here for you so feel free to check in with us whenever you’re up to it.

H-c · ‎26-07-2020

Update no.2: I’m so tired and all of this is exhausting... I really don’t want to seek help from doctors because of a reason(I’ve already explained this in other threads) i don’t trust them anymore. I wanna feel better and I’m trying so hard to stop going deeper into this hole that I’m in right now. I had an anxiety attack on fri when i had to speak in front of the people, and even though i knew them and some I’m close with, i felt scared and unprepared even though i knew what i was gonna speak about it’s like all the words got stuck in my throat. Why can’t i do better? Or why can’t i be normal and be able to talk to everyone and anyone? I went out with my friends in the evening that day, we went to a park and played games but Everyone was smiling and laughing and having fun... i tried to smile and I faked some laugh, but i felt empty inside, no matter how hard i tried I couldn’t be happy with them I couldn’t laugh along with them so I tried to smile. And we were playing this game and one of them said that I’m very good at pretending like I’m fine...it just hit me that sentence that they said was like a blow to the face... Am i not that obvious? The constant nail biting, constantly twisting my ring or playing with my bracelet...

i don’t know anymore is that it ? Am i fine? Am I that worthless for them to not notice that I’m in pain every single day.