Don't know how to fit into life anymore

[Guest_4593]

I have been telling myself for months everything would be ok once i took time off work ..but i have and nothing's changed .it didn't help at all. Being off did nothing.. Being around friends didn't help..Being alone didnt help having lazy days didn't help..
I don't know what's left.
I dont wanna be at home i don't wanna go out i don't wanna be around people. I didn't drink less. I didn't wanna try more. Didnt sleep better, eat better. Just felt worse .. been more annoyed being off work, realising more my family are selfish selfentitled little brats that don't deserve my help. My friends are going through hell and im too drunk and preoccupied to act like my caring self .. im nobody right now im not good for work not good for my friends im not a good for my family im not good for myself .friends have suggested i need help, friends have said i need antidepressants other friends have said u won't manage with antidepressants coz u cant drink. I feel like im just in the too hard basket that it doesn't matter either way

[therising]

Hi Guest_4593

It's so hard when we start out with the best of intentions and things kinda stop there. What doesn't stop, especially when depression's a factor, is all the questioning and harsh self judgement. Actually it ramps up if anything. I feel for you so much as you face what may feel like crossroads with no signpost or sense of direction. It's such an incredibly brutal feeling, that's for sure.

Personally, I took this year off work for a couple of reasons. One was to regain a sense of energy and sanity after not being able to cope with both work and increasing challenges outside of work last year. Another reason involved being able to focus on the challenges that needed my full time attention. I felt like I wasted the first 6 months to some degree. The kind of inner dialogue that came with that was a challenge in itself. Btw, what no one told me was there needs to be a period between relaxing out of stress and into productivity, regaining energy (a transition period). If feeling plenty of energy is what gives us a sense of connection to life, feeling next to no energy at all can definitely have a 'completely disconnected' deeply depressing feel to it.

I think there's the 'How do do life under the circumstances?' factor sometimes. If certain circumstances require 15 different skills, for example, I've found there have been times where I've realised I have next to no skills when it comes to how to manage certain challenges. Whether it involves the skill of developing or managing energy, the skill of strategically managing degrading, depressing self entitled people (who are no good for our sanity or self esteem) or the skill of being able to feel in productive ways, I've found myself asking 'Why was I never skilled in such things?'. In all fairness, our parents can't teach us skills they were never given or never gained. Skill development can be such hard and time consuming work.

Being a gal who's an ex drinker, I found there is definitely a skill to feeling life without alcohol. If drinking helps turn the volume down on the intensity of what we feel or muffles our feelings so they don't feel so raw or sharp, the skills involved can begin with gaining an understanding as to why we feel in the ways we do. For a start, I found the more intense the feeling, the greater the push and need for change. Not an easy task to manage. Sometimes what's deeply depressing isn't all that obvious to begin with or the triggers that are anxiety inducing aren't altogether clear. It was only a month ago or so that I realised the ring of my phone triggers my nervous system and triggers me into a state of dread. My phone typically rings when someone wants something from me. For me, that ring is the sound of stress. Feeling emotions at full volume with complete clarity can feel like a cruel form or torture at times. Someone saying 'You just need to get your act together and stop being so lazy' can have a feel of harsh judgement to it. We may feel the dismissiveness (dismissing our genuine struggle), feel the lack of guidance when it comes to ways that might work toward change for the better and feel what it feels like to be left alone to work it all out for our self. Sometimes I think of how much easier it would be to be insensitive, as opposed to being able to sense the nature of every challenge, the nature of every person who triggers us, the nature of the need for change and so much more.

[Nicau]

Hi Guest-4593

Reaching out is a important step and no you are not in the to hard basket. 

It sounds like you’ve been struggling with a variety of emotions and experiences, even after taking time off work and trying different things. It’s not uncommon for people to feel frustrated or disappointed when their expectations for improvement don’t match reality. Sometimes, taking time off or being around friends might not be an immediate solution to complex emotional challenges.

Feeling stuck, not finding pleasure in things you used to enjoy, and experiencing strained relationships with family and friends can be signs of depression. It’s important to remember that seeking professional help, such as talking to a therapist or a mental health counselor, can provide you with a safe space to discuss your feelings and challenges. They can offer strategies and tools to help you manage your emotions, develop coping mechanisms, and work through difficult situations.

It’s also worth considering the advice of friends who have suggested seeking help or considering antidepressants. While making the decision can be difficult, these options might be beneficial when recommended and monitored by a medical professional. It’s important to have an open and honest conversation with a mental health expert to determine the best course of action for your well-being.

Remember, reaching out for help is a sign of strength, and you don’t have to navigate these feelings alone.

[Guest_4593]

SORRY.  I can't it's just not energy anymore sorry 

[smallwolf]

hello and welcome.

It's clear you're really struggling and feeling hopeless about everything in your life right now. Please know that you are absolutely not in the "too hard basket" - there is always hope, even when depression has darkened everything and made it hard to see. You are so worthy of healing and happiness. Don't lose sight of that, even when depression clouds everything.

I also want you to know that it's a brave step to post here about what is happening. I want to ask you what you want to to do?  How do you see things getting better?

There are options available. Though if you just wanted to chat here, well I can listen ...