Deuce

[Scrabbling]

What can I say I got a very unexpected visit at my house late at night last week from the crisis team. Probably don’t need to embellish but totally put on the spot to go voluntarily or they would take that decision away as well. Don’t know why they call it a choice? To say I was a tad upset is an understatement so here I am for the past 3 days In a perfectly safe room that I cannot believe how much thought they have put into avoiding incidents. I have been studied like a bug and I found it extremely unsettling when I can normally bluff my way through things. The staff seem nice but there are some really scary people hence I have remained in my room. The tablets have helped a bit with sleep so I’m hoping to go home today. Do they normally use the element of surprise to throw people?? Signed Scrabbling.

[Scrabbling]

Why am I just so sad all the time, I should be happy I won my mental anguish Workcover which will help financially big time, I cannot get a psychologist to take me on ,u say Workcover and they run a mile , we are heading off camping which most people would be envious but to be honest I cannot be bothered!!! This is taking so long to feel better, I'm dog paddling and just keeping my head above water??? Is this common???? Getting very tired of fighting!!

[mmMekitty]

Hi Scrabbling,

I have had nothing to do with workcover, so I can't help with that. As for the psychologists, I couldn't guess why they would be reluctant to treat you. Were you able to ask? Maybe your GP could help you find someone?

When do you go on the camping trip? (I thought that that was maybe happening , like,this past weekend). Is it expected to be an active, busy type of holiday, with hiking, or some other stuff, or a more casual, lazy time? Lots of people or a few?

I gather you don't think you can say you are just not ready to do camping right now?

If you feel you have no choice, then you are more likely to be unhappy about it. Is there nothing about it you might enjoy? I've heard how people think of just being away from home, is like a break they can take away from troubles for a while.

I don't know. Tonight I'm feeling very uncertain about what to say. I'm inclined to think the camping trip could be good, if you aren't fighting it, if you can see it as a time to stop for bit, look around & enjoy the environment where you'll be, walk around & breathe. If you are doing the whole campfire stuff, sit around & sing songs at night, watching sparks fly up into the night....or is it too soon?

I wonder if you are so sad because everything isn't all fixed up already, the medication doesn't miraculously make everything better, & even the workcover win hasn't brought you what you hoped for?

It's so tough to be thinking you've got to fight everyday,. Have you thought much about why you keep fighting. Can you explain more about what you are fighting?

Fighting is so exhausting, I wonder if there is another way- ?

My warmest thoughts to you. Here & listening,

mmMekitty

[Scrabbling]

Fighting to pretend being happy

Fighting to smile when all I want to do is cry,

Fighting to join conversations when all I want to do is sleep,

I just canot be bothered with life, I have redone all my will and made it clear I am NFR

Workcover wanted me to meet with them and work,!!!! What the hell !!!!!! I saw red!!!! I shook like a leaf and cracked them and said no!! My work was a huge part of my melt down and l be damed if they expect me to roll over and forgive them when they all of a sudden say they want me back!!!

I'm just riding the roller coaster till it derails

[mmMekitty]

Hi Scrabbling,

With so much you are fighting going on, as I said, I know it is exhausting. You are making so many demands upon yourself.

I'd like to suggest a little compromise, such as, giving yourself some place & time in your day when you are (alone if necessary), to allow yourself to cry, to feel as awful as you feel, to voice how you feel, or paint it, or use the time to sleep, if that is what you want. I'm just suggesting taking some time, somewhere where you feel comfortable enough to let go of the public face & put down the sword & shield, then take off that heavy suit of armour as well, for a little while, se how it feels... ?

& do some nice things for yourself. They don't have to be big, extravagant or expensive.

One thing I constantly return to is music. & I still try to sing, because, even though I know my voice isn't even half of what it once was, I feel it does me good anyway. My voice doesn't need to be good.

This taking time out to let the guard down, won't be easy. It sure wasn't for me, but I tried & tried because I was finding I wanted a sense of being able to have some control of what I showed in public, & what I could allow in private. I find it is now great when I need to let some emotional stuff out, in a controlled way, not wanting to be emotional everywhere I went.

Now, I look back, it was also exhausting keeping my guard up. I know, I still don't trust the general public with all my emotions. That's okay, perfectly reasonable, actually. They don't need to know everything going on inside me. But, sometimes, I feel I am presenting as rather unemotional when perhaps seeing more of what I am feeling would convey more about how much I might, for example, need someone's help.

I'm hoping this will help you - please try it over the next few days? See how it goes

As always, my warmest regards to you, Scrabbling

mmMekitty

[Scrabbling]

Had the best day ever, Throat biopsy came back clear of cancer but still have to be careful I had some me time which was amazing and I actually enjoyed the camp-site a wonder day.

[mmMekitty]

Hi, Scrabbling,

Sounds like some good news, especially about the biopsy. That must've felt like a huge weight off your mind.

Taking some 'me time' is so very important for your well-being. I am very glad you enjoyed your time, at the camp site - what was that like? So concerned, dreading it, feeling you wouldn't enjoy it at all, but, turns out you liked it! What do you think is the best thing about it? What will you treasure from this camping trip? I'm hoping you soak it up, like a sponge, let these good times fill you up.

I would suggest something I have done. It has helped me retain vivid memories of some wonderful moments. I wrote it all down, every detail I could think of, sight, sound, smell, touch, emotion, everything relevant, even some things which were not. That day will, it seems, remain a strong memory I can think about when I need to feel someone cared for me.

Wishing you more wonderful days.

mmMekitty

[Scrabbling]

Hi MmMekitty, it's been awhile just thought I would touch base I wish I had good news but the roller coaster derailed yet again and I found myself back on ward !! I am again now been moved to the PARC facility and not doing terribly well. I've had one small win and have sorted out the Centrelink and WorkCover payments which was one of the minor contributing factors to my worry ,turns out I must be absolutely stupid because when I was locked up on ward I decided to look into my childhood at the Methodist Children's Home in Christchurch New Zealand.I don't know why I keep doing it to myself ? But it brought back so many bad memories and I also found that there is a royal commission currently in progress so stupid me signed up and I had to give a royal commission statement last week which flipped me out even though they were wonderful it was like opening Pandora's box!! They are contacting me again this week I got really angry on ward when I asked for some sedation prior to the call and they refused and I went off like a frog in a sock!!! I really lost it!!! I scared myself with how angry I got and even being surrounded by big blokes didn't put me off!! unfortunately that seems to be my life at the moment ,I hope you're doing ok? please stay in touch as you're support means everything to me kind regards Helen.

[mmMekitty]

I am still here, Helen.

I'm so sorry you are struggling so much again.

Looking into the past, unearthing those old memories, in some ways, is as difficult as living through those times, at least, that's how it seems to me. Now we're older, we see things from different perspectives, & that can feel awfully confusing. I do recall feeling half out of my mind when thinking about those memories, re-experiencing some of them from time to time, too. & it all got me so angry, I feared for what I could do.

Maybe I'm lucky, in that I don't tend to externalise my anger. Maybe that's not so lucky when I turn the anger in... anger is a very difficult thing to deal with.

In short, after months of trying to cope I found someone, a Psychiatrist, & began very slowly to begin to work through all the memories & feelings. Feeling especially get so complicated, so I've been at this for years.

I ought to say, I haven't experienced being 'in care'. I had tried to hear some of what our Australian Royal Commission has revealed, & it got too much for me. It is very upsetting to think of what you & so many others have gone through. Hearing the words & voices of individual people makes it all so horribly real.

Is it enough that some tangible record of lived experience is taken & stored, of which the wider public never hear of? & maybe some changes are made, maybe not enough, or not any at all???

Now, Helen, you are all I am really going to consider.

I think, the only reason you need to consider is if you would be telling your story for yourself or for others.

If you want to continue, particularly if you think it is important for you to tell of your experiences, because doing so would help you regain your own sense of worth, power, control, or have a voice & to be heard, then, with the best of support, you could do it.

Otherwise, you can tell them you want to not participate anymore. because of how this is already affecting you, They cannot force you.

But since the can of worms is open, privately, with a good Psychiatrist, you might begin to work through these experiences - not to make them either go away or to make them alright. Never that. But to learn ways to live with the past. & learn to nurture yourself in ways you had not experienced before.

I've been wobbly, too, but I will continue to be here for you.

❤️☮️🧸❤️☮️🧸❤️☮️🧸❤️

mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

Hi again, Helen,

I am glad to hear you got Centrelink & the Workcover payments sorted out. I understand, in context it feels small. A win is a win. 😸& something you don't need to be concerned about, anymore.

My heart goes out to you, thinking how much you've endured, & what you may well be going through while in hospital. I think it sounds cliché, but only because it's true, how incredibly strong you are!

So you did your block. I sincerely hope they take more notice when you are needing something, like the sedatives. I hope that doesn't happen again, though.

I am surprised you were not counselled more about what might be involved & how you might feel while going through the process, before you could agree to give any statements or be interviewed. That seems to lack insight & any sense of how difficult talking could be for you. By phone really surprises me.

Are you able to have someone sit with you, to support you, while being interviewed? do you think that would help if you could?

If you've already had the phone call you mentioned, please, would you let me know how it went?

My photo of Mekitty will be back soon. I wanted to show the photo I took last year, which I was happy with, having had the idea & setting up the background & jug & after doing a bit of adjustment to it after. 'Jug Sans Lid', it's called, just like a piece of art. 😸

Warm & soothing thoughts to you, Helen. I hope you can get some good sleep.

mmMekitty

[Scrabbling]

Hi mmMekitty it's been a while, the roller coasters still going. currently in Hospital but not the ward type!! I had to have the ankle redone again!! And my mobility has crashed with arthritis now in the elbow which is preventing me using crutches and also our house has stairs front and back.so I have been in hospital for 3 and a half weeks and potentially here for another 5!!! I bloody hope not!!! It's a great little hospital but I feel extremely embarrassed because I work with most of the nurses here and even though I'm here mainly because of my ankle ,my mental decline has been well noted and I'm sure discussed at a nursing handover shift, I wish I could disappear in the bed !!!! I'm still just so sad and in tears all the time and I have found I haven't lost the ability to zone out, I literally can lose hours staring at a spot on a wall, its just like being on a Carousel that never stops. I have slipped through the cracks due to my sugury but I do have an appointment for the end of the month with my shrink, I have been put on a high doses of meds and i think they have helped with the dark thoughts a bit but I tend to fall at the first hurdle, I haven't done anything with the royal commission in New Zealand as yet but I did apply and receive my files from the children home which devastated me when I read them, they just brought so much back and so many of the children from the home are no longer with us by taking their own lives and most of them were younger than me, some of the other kids still remembered me and said I was always a rebel without a Cause and I had a spirit that wouldn't be broken, I wish I had that now!! anyway it was rude of me to leave it so long to touch base with you I hope you're doing well, you do an amazing job just being you.