I am relieved to understand you are not threatening harm to your hubby.
& it seems he already knows how deep your struggle is, & is so very concerned that he checks on you when you are very low. What does that tell you about his feelings for you?
It's one thing to want to protect him, to keep him from seeing the worst, but to hide what is going on for you from your psych seems counterproductive to me.
I'll tell you, you remind me of someone I once knew. I won't go into detail, except because I was, (so he said, & I believed), the only person he talked to like he ought to have talked with his Psychiatrist, I became overwhelmed & over burdened with his secrets. I had to end the friendship.
Like him, I want to help you more than I can.
I keep asking myself, why does Helen keep fighting against receiving the help she has been offered?
Tonight I ask, why is she "been practising to be bright and happy happy", still pretending to people who know she has the moods & thoughts, enough to go on with, at any rate?
Like you, I've had many times when I wonder why keep going? & somehow I'm still here, when I haven't yet, really wanted to be. It's taken a long, long time for me to feel I could do some good. I had to reach out, offer, as I do here, whatever I think might help, or just to offer an emoji smile, but one I hope will lift someone's day for a few minutes. I think a little something everyday is very much better than unremitting sadness or pain or misery. It got me through the toughest days. Something like seeing the moon, or some silly joke makes e laugh, a song i like, or yummy food I buy or better yet, have made myself.
So after all these years, I am here for you.
I think, hiding, you are running away from yourself, those memories, too I suspect, too. Eventually, there may be nowhere to run or hide. Maybe you keep on as you are, until the natural end to your life, & have a lifetime of running & hiding to look back on?
I did that for something like 20 years before I could no longer run. I hope you face what you are running & hiding very much sooner than that.
That movie sure has done a lot to dissuade people from ECT.
Please talk to your treating doctor, ask all the questions you have. Write a list for them.
It is important that you are well-informed before agreeing to the treatment.
I only know it is not like that movie.
❤️❤️❤️❤️, I'll be thinking of you.
Hi meeMeKitty I still haven't gone in for treatment as the ward has been closed due to covid, I don't know if this is blessing or not ? I want to feel honestly happy and not keep pretending anymore because it's getting harder and harder to keep the facade up. We brought a beautiful second-hand car that I should have been so excited about and I can barely raise a smile. I went down and saw some of my residents at the nursing home at a weekend where I avoided management and again I played the happy person, some of them cried when they saw me and i got hugged to death. but by the time I got back to my Ute I was miserable. maybe next week Ward opens and I come away feeling better I really just don't know, its been a long journey and my fake happiness is depleting very quickly. I hope you're staying well and will message when I know more. take care and look after yourself, Helen
That's unfortunate about COVID closing the ward. I hope you will be able to get in there soon.
Faking happiness is really hard work & then you don't know for sure if the residents hugging you really like & miss you, because they only see the fake you. It's alright, though, because there, you do have to behave professionally, & maintain boundaries. The relationships with residents can never be the same as your personal friendships. They need you to be capable & professional, & it helps to have an easy & relaxed manner, to be polite, & to show some care, all without becoming intensively emotional. If you ar calm & seem to have yourself under control, that helps the residents to feel the same way. It is really not a bad thing to have an 'at work' persona.
Can you yet imagine a time when you will be able to appreciate the car, or other things you have enjoyed before? Do you want to? If you want to, you can continue to work towards that. It is something valuable to work towards. It's no small thing, when your thoughts & feelings have been in the turmoil they have, to once again be able to smile, to feel pleasure, to feel some pride or satisfaction.
I realised how long it had been since I felt a deep sense of peace & contentment, when, recently I was cuddling a puppy. It felt so wonderful - like nothing I"d felt for maybe 8 years. I appreciate feeling that way so much more now than I did, though at the earlier time, it was very pleasant, but I din't realise how valuable the times I might feel that way were.
Here's an idea I've just had. Try sitting in your car, & imagine a day trip, taking the car out, by yourself or with someone. Where would you go? Gonna pack a picnic lunch or get something along the way? Personally I'd like a picnic. Eskies, blanket, basket & all... makes me wish I had a dog, too! On this miserable day, I'm enjoying this, so I hope you can, too. I'd like you to take us on that journey, how you get there, the roads, the weather, the season, every detail you can cram in.
& when you return home - okay, the next day, thoroughly wash the car.
Meanwhile, keep warm,
- Hey meeMeKitty, I couldn't find this post so I posted a new one and a person kindly put me back in touch with you, again I'm sorry I'm not good with the new forum changes. the post I put up was I had a ECT last week it wasn't the most pleasant experience , anyway im back on ward hopefully only for a short time I hope you're doing ok and staying covid safe. Helen
I've been finding these upgrades difficult too. many of us are having problems with it. I finally realised how to find you again. The search thingy didn't help after the first time I sued it.
I'm sorry you are back on the ward again, & hope, for you, it won't be for long. I imagine it would be very stressful going into hospital, amongst so many people, noise etcetera. That's what I'd struggle with.
I will definitely look for your new post. Would you prefer talking there or here? In any event, I will select in Options, to 'Follow' the Discussion, when I find that, too.
I certainly am trying to keep myself from being infected with COVID & flu - although I did have a bad flue already this year, after the vacs, (& adverse effects), which means still more isolating because I can't wear a mask.
One good thing, there you can have some warm air conditioning? 😺 That's a positive, isn't it?