Depression, Anxiety and a whole new level of being unwell

[Ellow369]

I am writing this as I suppose that I just need to get everything off my chest.

I have been suffering from anxiety and depression for years now and it has somewhat been managed with medication, therapy and everything alternative you can think of. I have always been willing to try anything to be better and to be able to function.

I feel like I am quite knowledgeable in the field too as I work in mental health. Lately I received the amazing news that I am pregnant... what a blessing. I am over the moon knowing that the body that I thought broken has been able to produce a little bubba. Pregnancy is going well apart from the constant morning/day/night sickness which seem to never end.

With the pregnancy comes a huge hormonal change and I have not been coping with this at all. My mental health has deteriorated drastically with suicidal feelings, guilt and shame for feeling suicidal cause I have no intention of harming my baby. I feel so isolated and lonely as I am stuck with nowhere to go and no one to see in this lockdown.

I have not been to work for weeks now which has now resulted in losing all my income and I have not received much support from work although I have disclosed my pregnancy and mental health struggles to my manager.

I feel totally lost. I have sessions with my psychologist and talk to my GP who has advised me to go to hospital but this idea scares me so much as I wouldn't be allowed a support person in there with me.

I am trying so hard to be strong but I have nothing left in me and I feel like all the tools that I have used in the past to cope are not relevant anymore.

It has come to the point where I feed myself just to make sure my baby is fed, I stay hydrated just for the baby but I am insanely worried that my mental health will impact on my baby.

Any help, guidance or words of support would mean a lot.

Thank you

[Sophie_M]

Hi Ellow369,
 
Thank you for sharing how you are feeling at the moment. It must have taken a huge amount of courage to share this story with us and we want you to know that we are so thankful that you have. You never know who might read this post and feel less alone in their own struggles because they know there are others who understand.
 
We are also really sorry to hear that you are having thoughts of suicide. Sadly, feelings of guilt and shame are all too common during pregnancy and having these feelings while you are also feeling isolated sounds like it must be really tough.
 
If you ever feel unsafe due to these thoughts and feelings it is important that you call 000 straight away, this is an emergency.
 
We think that it is best to have an open and honest conversation with your GP about your concerns in going to hospital so that they can help you find the safest and best solution. If you are unsure about having this conversation with them, that is understandable and maybe you could give us a call to talk it through.
 
Perinatal Anxiety and Depression Australia (PANDA) are experts in supporting women who are experiencing what you have described so we really encourage you to check out their website and give them a call. You can call them on 1300 726 306. Please note that the phoneline is open Mon-Fri from 9am-7:30pm.
 
We are also here for you, 24/7, on 1300 22 4636. Our team are kind, helpful and understanding and are here to talk through your thoughts and feelings. You can also call our friends at Lifeline 13 11 14 if you prefer – they are also lovely.
 
You can also check out the webchat options if that works better for you:
 
Beyond Blue
Lifeline
 
What you are facing sounds incredibly difficult, but your care and love for your baby is inspiring as well. It can be hard to look after ourselves when we feel this way, so please be gentle with yourself. You are doing your best and that is always enough.
 
Please feel free to drop back in and let us know how you are feeling as well as joining other conversations with this warm, welcoming and kind community.
 
Kind regards,
Sophie M

[smallwolf]

hi and welcome to the forums.

congratulations on the pregnancy. It sounds a little bitter sweet the way you are talking since it has impacted on your mental health. And you would probably also know that you are doing the right thing is talking with a GP and psychologist about it. And perhaps because of that I am loathe to ask you any questions. But your actions in talking and eating also shows an inner strength in you to keep going. In the quote section of the forum I put a post once about moving forward... and it does not matter how slow you are going provided you move forward.

Do you mind if I ask you about what support you are getting from family?

I can only speak as a mere male, but I do know from my own children that many thoughts go through our minds about parenthood. All we can do is the best we can and your actions show that.

If you want to chat about anything that is worrying you or whatever you can chat here. We are here for you at this time. Listening to you.

[Petal22]

Hi Ellow369,

Wellcome to our forums!

Im sorry you are feeling this way……

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

I understand the huge hormonal changes ….they can really bring on a lot of anxiety and intrusive dark thoughts………

Its great that you have spoken to your gp ……. have you been able to have a really open and honest conversation with them about what’s really going on inside your head? Have you been able to do a mental health plan together?

I understand when we have these intrusive thoughts they can seem really confusing because they go against everything we are as a person…. They are so foren …….

Sophie has given you a great contact for PANDA I highly recommend you give them a call they will understand.

Is there a pre natal clinic in your area? Some clinical psychologists and psychiatrists work from these clinics and understand pre natal mental health.

I can see from your post that you really care about your baby.

Im here to chat to you anytime

[Ellow369]

Thank you so much Sophie.

I will reach out to PANDA as I think they could be a good support. Thank you for suggesting this.

My GP is aware of my concerns going to hospital but I believe that from her perspective, my safety is more important than my concerns and it's the fastest way for me to get the most appropriate help I suppose.

I just don't want to be admitted and be there alone. I have worked in psychiatric wards and being pregnant makes me feel super vulnerable in this environment.

Thank you again for the advice and support. It means a lot 🙂

[Ellow369]

Hi,

Thank you for messaging and being supportive.

In terms of support, I have my husband who is beyond amazing but everything does takes its toll on him.

Other than him, my family is overseas and interstate so my only contact with them is virtual. I miss them dearly and not knowing when I'll be able to see them does contribute to my sadness.

I have a few good friends too vut again with the lockdown, I haven't seen them.

I also feel guilty of always answering that I am depressed and not coping everytime I'm asked how I am doing. I feel like such a burden and I can see that most don't know how to help or don't know what to say.

If only I could have a little fairy come and clean my house, clear my head, wash my hair and cook me some healthy food, it would be a good start to get myself back but for now I'm drowing.

Thank you again for reaching out to me. It means a lot

[Ellow369]

Hi Petal22,

Thank you for reaching out.

I agree that I have to seek help from a more specialised place like a perinatal clinic.

Due to having suffered from anxiety and depression for a long time now, I have a mental health plan in place and I'd like to think that I'm very honest and transparent with the health professionals when it comes to what thoughts I have.

I always knew that I was prone to perinatal depression but didn't think that I would have struggled to handle it to this degree.

I am also aware that the lockdown, not seeing people, missing my loved ones and not being able to do normal things contribute to my distress. At this stage, I'm trying to hang in there.

Thank you for validating my thoughts and acknowledging that it's hard going through this.

Take care