Definitely unsure about this forum

[Jacqui51]

I have tried to be positive about using this forum but really unsure. For me some of the replies seem formulaic and gubgho positive, not from someone who really does understand.

I am older, tired, depressed and yes at times I self harm and am suicidal. I do see a psychiatrist but even after 18 months not really getting anywhere. I have chosen to gradually take myself off all antidepressants over the 7 weeks they are away. Truthfully no difference that I have noted. Before I was suicidal, depressed and harmed. Now suicidal, depressed and self harm.

Not sure trying this type of forum is any use at all.

[geoff]

Hello Jacqui51, the people on this site have all been through their own type of depression, have struggled and suffered in their own way by many different factors which can be related to another person if you look at the situation in general terms.

The experience's I've been through myself range from the small end all the way up to the crucial end just like many others and all we do is offer support, suggestions and advice from what we have been through ourselves.

We aren't doctors and can not diagnose you, but we can offer our own experience and what's actually worked for us.

I've remained on the site for 20 years and not going anywhere.

Geoff.

[white knight]

Hi

Sophie_M replies in most posts in order to provide the bare minimum of information that includes emergency base contact details If things get desperate for the member. The reason for this is in the past some posts have slipped through without any response at all, such is how this forum design has functioned. Such members have felt ignored and were unassisted.

These flaws in an older forum design will be eliminated in the new forum due soon.

If this forum isn't for you that's OK. I think it highlights that focussing on other posts that seem repetitive and less on the benefits and forum achievements is an issue in its own right. Whether it's overall negativity or another reason it certainly is an unusual response that I haven't come across before.

I'd be very interested in pursuing this further if you feel like it? To do this can I suggest I'd welcome some background to your diagnosis and summary of your life problems.

No pressure of course. I'm here to help.

TonyWK

[Summer Rose]

Hi Jacqui51

Good idea to think about it.

I’m in my late fifties and this is my first and only online platform that I participate in. It took my awhile to get used to it and learn the etiquette.

At one stage I was questioning the value of my continued presence. A fellow member, demon blaster, said something really kind and genuine to me, and it convinced me this was worthwhile. Over time I began to feel very comfortable here.

I came here after years of supporting a child with a mental health condition. I’ve learned a lot and feel I’ve also shared worthwhile experiences with many others.

Agree that some responses may feel generic but I truly believe all are heartfelt. I think it’s more a reflection of efforts to respond to posts that often contain very similar themes.

Kind thoughts to you

[Jacqui51]

I am a survivor of multiple forms of abuse and neglect who has tried working with counsellors GP's, Ministers in Christian groups, psychologists, psychiatrists and more. Sometimes the darkness lifts and it appears to be cyclic returning heavily every three or so years.

My family were poor as a result of mismanagement by parents with their own issues including depression and functioning alcoholism. I was given things many cannot take for granted including essential food, shelter, basic clothing and more but the neglect was there even in these areas.

I have always tried to find the positive in life and sought to find a new set of family but it has not been successful. Looking from the outside you would believe me to be a highly functional career woman, married but no children of her own. Very few would know my depression.

Diagnosis over the years have included Anorexia, Bulimia, some OSD (not current), Dissociative Identity Disorder, Fibromyalgia, Major Depression, self harm to manage depression, suicidal ideation and more.

My goal has always been to work through this and find a path out of the circle. Lately I have struggled as again it is back and I am not coping.

Medication is a roller coaster, either it works or definitely does not.

My previous psychologist asked me to move on to work with a psychiatrist due to needing medication adjustment beyond skill level of GP and also the form of therapy my diagnosis requires. Working with her I had successfully improved quality of life and coping strategies. Now I am a mess. I do not believe it I the fault of my current psychiatrist merely a return of the crippling depression in full circle.

My psychiatrist is currently on leave and encouraged me to reach out for support while they are away.

As you would deduce trust is a huge concern and this is where empty responses and well intentioned formulaic answers spiral me further down.

I am writing and telling myself the good things in life but my emotions are numbed. I have almost split inside with emotions in a cocoon and a cynical observer in charge. Not DID response.

I need to somehow find a spark of belief in the possibility of continuing to work either psychiatrist. Not easy just now, in fact incredibly difficult.

Perhaps this will help explain my thoughts.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Jacqui,

Thanks for sharing this. We can hear there’s been some incredibly difficult times in your past and it’s not easy to cope right now. Please know that our support service is here if you’d like to talk it through (call 1300 22 4636, or use online chat here).

TonyWK has explained our role here perfectly. We really admire your honesty and agree with you that it’s much more helpful to talk and feel understood by people who relate to you personally. The forums are a really good space for that, so we acknowledge your concerns and just ask you to reach out to our Support Service if you’re feeling like you’re in need of a bit more support. We do check in with you if you mention you’re struggling with self-harm or thoughts of suicide (hence us commenting right now) but otherwise we hang back and let discussions be led by the amazing community of caring and genuine people this space is filled with.

Thanks for your honesty and understanding, Jacqui.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[Summer Rose]

Hi Jacqui51

Thanks so much for opening up and trusting us with your story. I recognise it was a huge leap of faith for you to write that post and I will try to honour your trust as best I can.

You've had an exceptionally rough road to travel, right from the start. As I grew up in a home with an alcoholic parent, I can imagine some of what your childhood years were like. No two stories are ever the same, but I do have some grasp of where you're coming from and it's not pretty. Hugs to you.

You should be very proud of your ability to survive and even thrive in some areas of your life. This is a huge achievement. Of course, I do understand the real pain that lies beneath the veneer of your successful career and marriage, and I'm sorry you have to endure so much private suffering. You are tired, disillusioned and numb and that's okay. I would say it's to be expected after all you've been through with depression, particularly against the backdrop of the global pandemic and all the additional angst and trauma it has caused.

My beautiful daughter, whom I care for, fell seriously ill with OCD when she was just 13 years old and was admitted to a psychiatric ward of a public hospital. I had no hope. The best word to have described me with at the time would have been shattered. A friend sent me these words: There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning.

To be honest, I didn't believe it at the time. But I've reflected on those words a lot since (wish I knew the original author!) because they were so true. It was the beginning of a road to recovery. A challenging, heart-wrenching and sometimes soul-destroying road but never-the-less a road to better health and a meaningful life for my daughter.

You are on that road too and while I fully acknowledge how hard it is, I want to gently remind you of your past success and encourage you to keep going as a new beginning is before you. Recovery is worth fighting for because you matter. Living your best life matters. It can get better.

I hope these words don't cause a downward spiral for you. I really just wanted to send a ray of light. You and I both know there is no magic wand to fix all mental health issues but there is always hope for better days ahead.

Kind thoughts to you

[white knight]

Hi Jacqui, thankyou very much for your post. I suppose I was hoping you would respond that way so we can get a better understanding and it has given us some ground work.

It is difficult to put faith in other people let alone strangers. I'm a softy on one side and an ex prison officer/ranger/investigator on the other. In fact I wrote a book once (not published) with 3 characters- 1/ me unmedicated 2/ me unmedicated (that hated No 1) and is more uniformed/regimental. 3/ medicated me. But overall the inner Tony is a protector. When I hear of someone with the problems you described...all I want to do is carry you to safety.

I'll never forget the day I was tipped over the edge. Since then 26 years later, I'm the man I set out to become. Many transitions were made to be the new me but I have enjoyed it because I'd hate to go through all that work and not enjoy my new discoveries. One quality I developed was personal devotion to helping others and my time here began.

Your diagnosis is complex and like many others- unique so it demands professional attention of which you have done, good. I dont know if we can help you "find that path out of that circle" but we can lay the concrete with companionship, life experiences and hope. The neglect you had as a child is also unique to you and I'm glad you mentioned it as that explains a lot. I had a loving childhood but my narcissistic mother grew harsher as we grew older so in some ways we were denied the stability needed to avoid the issues us children have. Determined to overcome the ongoing issues my sister and I stopped all contact with mother 11 years ago. It is one example of decision making that had a profound positive effect upon us and paved the way for stability for the rest of our lives.

I dont think any of us want to extend ourselves to replace the good care you are getting from your professionals, just help and offer comfort by using some examples of our own experiences. We all know our limitations here. To "reach out" as you've been advised is a good first step and I think you've made a good choice.

Here is a thread with a story in its first post. I hope you enjoy that one post.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/30-minutes-can-change-your-life

Also a thread where the first post talks about what you cant change.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/dna-what-you-cant-change

Talk soon

TonyWK

[Chris_Tas]

The forum is an extremely great service.

People and support are fantastic.

It may not be right for you so choose that path.

I wish you the best.

[TheBigBlue]

Hi Jacque,

I often feel the same as you. I’ve been visiting less & less frequently as the solace I need just can’t be found here.

But every now & then a reply from someone does stand out.

I think (for me at least) that it’s a place to write & just get stuff out if my system. Basically a place to vent. Will anyone respond? Will I even come back to check if anyone has replied?

No matter the outcome, for me it’s just a way to get some of these feelings out.

I also write a lot of stuff in a notebook, I take that to appointments. Sometimes I talk about the stuff I have written, sometimes I don’t. Sometimes it’s just the act of writing it down which helps

[Petal22]

Hi Jacqu51,

Im sorry for all that you have been through I understand that it would have been difficult growing up the way that you have.

But I really like that you call yourself a survivor it shows great strength and resilience.

I understand the darkness it can be very debilitating if I ever have a dark day I tell myself that tomorrow will be better and I try to stay as present as I can be…… I practice staying present every day ….. I do this so I don’t get stuck in my head…. I find if I work on being present every day I find it easier to set my mind on default to be this way so I don’t go back and think about the past or get to far into the future.

Have you ever practiced meditation? I found this to be really useful….

I understand how our emotions inside can feel very much in distress it’s not a very nice place to be..

Our nervous systems can take a real battering…. Just try to calm yourself, find ways to calm your nervous system.

I like deep breathing, meditation, reiki, mindfulness, helping others practicing gratefulness and reading positive affirmations.

When I was in the grips of my condition a friend said to me that it won’t be for nothing….. now that I’m on the other side of it I understand what my friend meant…… I gained a lot of self growth while being in the storm. It wasn’t for nothing.

I also learned in order to move forward and create peace inside myself I needed to forgive others and myself.

Please know we are all a very caring community and we are here for you…. Even if your having a rough day and just want to chat to someone.