Constantly in this negative train

[PocketRocket88]

TW Suicidal ideations, urges

I honestly don't know where else to get help from... My local hospital seemed to not take the necessary step to help me out with my problem... Whenever I present to their ED they just do all the ED stuff and then just discharges me even when I still pose a risk to myself... I even verbalise to them directly that I am not safe to go home... I feel so rejected and defeated right now... I'm actually afraid to go home nowadays coz of how strong my ideations and urges are lately... Plus how vivid these ideations are... I have community mental health support but I just feel that I'm not supported enough or for them my problem is not as bad as I feel or imagine it to be...

I feel like I'm going more mental and that I'm making all these things up... The only way I sort off have to keep myself safe is by either forcing myself to sleep as soon as I get home or if I'm just at home OR I have to keep busy with work (which depends on how much shift they'd give me)... I am trying to take on a new hobby which is bejewelling a portrait of a rose that I bought in Big W the other day... I can only do so much, so what do I do when I ran out of options to distract myself? Or what do I do when I'm so stuck in my head that I can't stop myself from going thru the plan which btw is always in play it's just a matter of trying to put it off every waking day...

ive been diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder, depression and anxiety. I was on meds but due to conflicting information between different doctors I decided to stop taking them for months now... Due to a very limited number of psychology sessions under Medicare, I had to spread my appointment very thin specially now that I'm only left with 4-5 sessions for the year... Just got approved for NDIS funding just waiting for the allocation of budget. I have a community mental health support worker that's under my local hospital... Even with all these I still feel unheard, ignored and/or not taken seriously specially when my suicide plan is pretty serious... Also I live alone so if I do anything without telling someone no one would ever know... It scares me a little bit but each time I get rejected and ignored my fear seemed to slowly disappears and I know that one day I won't be scared I. Feeling this way because I feel exhausted

[PocketRocket88]

I’ve been with the other hospitals community mental Health team and they’re k me re aggressive when it comes to making sure I’m safe but there were moments when they’ve taken it one too far and coz of where I am they won’t be able to help me. But the hospital itself can if I go there myself. 
 

When I got discharged from hospital the other night I had to borrow money from a friend just for me to get home safely because they’re discharged me at wee hours in the morning which mena at here we’re no other way home but to take a taxi. I asked the hospital for a cab charge which they’ve given me the night before, surprise surprise they used the excuse that they don’t give taxi voucher anymore… so this hospital is definitely drawing the line and pushing me to really send this complaint which I was reconsidering prior to that night. This just shows what the value of my is to them… if a service like that don’t take you seriously and that they make you feel your life has no value then how do you think that person will feel and see the value of their life?
 

[therising]

Hi PocketRocket88

I completely get where you're coming from with not having an interest in what's termed 'spiritual'. It's something I once had a very simple or basic interest in and that was pretty much it. Over time, it developed into something more. Sounds strange, I know, but my interest in metaphysics or a more spiritual or natural philosophy developed after a sudden significant interest in wanting to understand the basics of quantum physics. I was surprised to learn of others who experienced the same thing I had - developing a sudden interest in quantum physics while having just come out of depression. Took me a while to reach the conclusion that the 2 are simply different sides of the same coin. With that 'rabbit hole' scenario, they're very different channels when it comes to understanding energy, what it is and how it works.

While from a metaphysical viewpoint someone may say 'I'm vibing low', in quantum physics someone else may say 'My cells are vibrating at a lower frequency or a slower rate'. In both cases, they'd be feeling the 'low' or 'slow'. Both would agree this is something you can feel at times, how you're energy's in motion (e-motion) or lacking motion. Is it fast or slow, is it high or low, up or down? What is contributing to your high or low energy levels or rate? People, thoughts or memories, environment, diet, exercise (aka exercising energy) etc. Do we have enough of it or has it been exhausted, through hard work while trying to get through to exhausting people?

Can help make more sense of what 'feelings' are. They're about the kind of energy you're feeling. Highly erratic and agitated could be defined as feeling 'rage' or 'anxiety'. Depends on mindset, what you're thinking at the time. Either way, it's hyper activity, something you can feel, that's for sure.

[PocketRocket88]

It more sense when you explain it like that...

I am having a low mood, low energy but on the edge ATM... As much I would like to say that I understand why but that's not true... It's one thing I still have to master is identifying why I'm feeling the way I'm feeling... But that goes with everything anyways, can't identify as to why my life is like this... I know some reasons but I feel that there more to it than those reasons... I wish I can regulate my emotions as fast as a 'normal' human being but it isn't the case either... So I'm sitting with these overwhelming emotions that I can't explain why... Then top it off with the negative thought and urges.. it's like the cherry on top... So don't know what I'm doing and have to do with myself except that my brain is pushing me to just give in... So should I or should I not do it? That's the real question here...

[PocketRocket88]

I’m trying my hardest to distract myself from these damn thoughts and urges right now… it’s getting hard to challenge them either 

I had a great day at work today, my manager and a rep from HR pulled me aside and checked in with me… I think one thing that is going good in my life atm is that I have a great job and that the management + HR are trying to figure out as to how they can support me thru this.  My work is pretty big on privacy so they’ve asked for my permission to disclose my Situation to certain people and not just disclosing it without me knowing which I’ve given them my permission to do so if they think it’ll benefit me… a few of my colleagues tries to somewhat cheer me up when they see I’m struggling or not myself whilst at work… they don’t know what my situation is but I sense that they kind of sense what it is anyways… that is why I am truly enjoying work even on my off days… sometimes when I’m feeling abit off it’s a challenge to be at work and pretend that I’m doing okay but now that a few of the management knows my problem it makes it easier to call in sick when I really can’t come to work… which I try not do so often coz it’ll make me look bad and that I might lose my job in the end coz of my mental health.

A few things have happened in the last 24hrs, finally went and saw my GP after months of ghosting her, had my first appointment with my new psychologist as well as with the EAP at my work… yes these are positives and hope that more comes along the way but at this very moment it’s still seems to be not enough… I think I’m expecting more in a short time… and so I will try my best to be patient and just pray that things does go in the right direction… I just hope I have enough time to get there coz I feel that my time here is nearly up… it’s going to be a challenge to keep holding on when the ‘facts’ (my reality) in my head are winning which may or may not be real facts and aren’t positives… challenging them is hard too coz they are negative and many not even real but  it feels so real and true for me… my Hope jar is still empty which feeds my negative thinking and urges but I do hope that soon enough it’ll get filled up. Just don’t know who or where to turn to tonight for help and support so that I can get thru this night without a hitch… God help me., I don’t wanna lose this battle…

[therising]

Hi PocketRocket88

Good to hear you're developing a circle of support. Hard to do when you've never had to do it before, to such an extent. You're achieving something new, something different.

I find 'reality' to be a tough business at times. I think because it appears to be constantly shifting, unless we're stuck in one we just can't seem to get out of. With it being said our reality is dictated by our perception, it can shift in a split second the moment our perception shifts. I feel like my 'perception shifter' (mind) is kinda broken these days. In relying more on others to try and shift my mind, I'm unable to find anyone with that much ability. I've found sometimes you have to find someone who's ability to shift your perception isn't just good or even great, it has to be downright miraculous. Something's telling me to reconnect to a great guide I see on the odd occasion, typically when I'm overwhelmingly lost. I feel like it's time to see him.

Wondering if you've ever had the experience of waking up to new emotions. This one's also a reality shifter, recognising an emotion for the first time. While 'lost' can be appear as a single feeling, I've found it's not the case. You can have basically lost, incredibly lost, seriously lost (where things are getting serious) and depressingly lost. I think that last one speaks for itself. Personally, I think I need to go back 'basically' at the moment, see where and how this lost feeling all started. I think part of it's based on the fact I was never taught how to naturally find direction. It's a skill.

The skill factor's also a reality shifter. Waking up to the fact we weren't given or taught certain skills in life can stop that 'What's wrong with me?' dialogue. Truth is there is nothing 'wrong' with us in this case but there is something lacking. Can be hard to develop a skill when you don't know exactly what skill it is you need to develop.

It's the nature of life to be challenging, challenging us to develop. Just wish life would turn the volume down sometimes🙂

[PocketRocket88]

You have very insightful words which kinda helps me understand something I never heard of before... It sometimes a good thing coz it helps my thinking and mood at times but other times it doesn't even do anything at all...

Woke up late and so I'm running a bit late to work... It's these little signals and whatever is in my head tells me that I'm not doing well today... I'm now abit edgy and anxious whilst on the bus to the station... Musics blasting and writing this post isn't distracting me enough to not pay attention to the negative thought and urges... I know I'm out of my place and all but my head is telling me to have an 'accident'at work... Putting my job on the line again just to satisfy my urge tells me how bad I am today.... Should I have called in sick instead of going to work? If I did call in sick it'll be more horrendous as I will just wallow in my thoughts and urges.... I am trying to challenge these thoughts and urges but it seems like I'm not winning in this fight... Don't know if work will be distraction today?.

[PocketRocket88]

The suicidal ideation and urges are getting bad even when I'm at work... All I keep thinking and wanting to do/happen is to have an 'accident'at work, an 'accident' that involves self harming... Am I that sick that I'm ready to put this job at risk? Why do I want that when I thought I love this job? Is it that bad when I end things whilst at? I now believe that my life has no true value even to me. I guess that's my reality now that seemed to not changed the past days/week... So lost and confused now then to have these negative thought and urge is the cherry on top...

[PocketRocket88]

TW SUICIDAL IDEATION AND URGES

My mental health is in decline these past week or so... It has well and truly affected my work now... I can't believe I took more than recommended before going to work a couple of days ago... I still haven't been given any solution to this ongoing problem... I'm left stuck in this rut with nothing to help alleviate this urge and ideations all I'm getting from everyone is that being in hospital is not gonna be any help for me... If that's the case, why don't you give me something to work with to help me stay out of hospital and be out of this rut I'm constantly in... If I'm not safe in hospital I sure am not safe at home either specially when I have this negative thought and urge... I try best to do what I've learnt from DBT but sometimes it's a challenge to do it coz I got no motivation to do so... I know I should force myself to doing something that's uncomfortable but there are moments when you honestly don't have the power to do so and that all you want to do is to lay in bed and let your mind swallow you whole... Which what I'm having right now... These thoughts and urges seems to be taking hold of me but by bit... Just don't know how long I can hold it off...

[Sophie_M]

Hey PocketRocket88,

Thanks for sharing this update with the community. We're sorry to hear you've been feeling a decline in your mental health this past week.

We just wanted to pop in and let you know that our Support Service is here for you, if you'd like to get some more immediate support with this. If you're feeling unsafe Lifeline are available on 13 11 14, and 000 is the number to call if you're unable to avoid acting on your thoughts about suicide or self-harm.

Thanks again, PocketRocket88. 

Kind regards, 

Sophie M

[PocketRocket88]

I’d love to get some support for this… any support will do coz atm my community mental health team isn’t helping with any of this, they constantly just saying that hospitalisation isn’t good for me but my argument is that so does being at home on some days isn’t safe for me either… I’m feeling lost and just tossed around without them giving me anything to work with so that I can somehow get out of this rut I’m in… had that psychiatrist appointment today and all we’ve discussed is what the hospital has been telling me over and over,nothing more… hence why I got irritated and agitated whilst being in that room with them… im running out of prion and probably time… I just don’t know how long I can keep myself safe from myself… I am currently my own enemy… fighting with yourself is like a losing battle for me… im all ears with whatever could help me get thru even just for tonight coz now it’s really getting hard to resist the thoughts and urges as time goes by… I need help/support and I need it soon…