Can’t remember a time I didn't want to die.

[noapy]

I have never wanted to be alive. 
 

All my life I have planned to die by suicide.

I will definitely die from suicide, I am just not sure exactly when.

The only reason I havnt done it yet is because I am a single parent and if I die there is no one to look after my children.

I plan to die once my youngest is in their early 20’s, I have a plan and take comfort in this.

I know it will hurt my children no matter what age they are when I die. But the most I can give them is bringing them up and helping them become independent. Once that is done, I am going.

I resent the children for keeping me alive, sometimes I think it could be better for them if I died now, but I know if I do they will likely go into the foster system, so maybe an unhappy, resentful suicidal parent is better then that, I truly dont know.

How can I keep going on in the time I have before I die? Every day, every minute is hell for me, I scream in agony from morning till night, is there something I can do to get thru the next few years? 

When I wake up alive it ruins my day and I am angry all day until night comes.

I feel like all the other people are idiots for wanting to live. 

All people are bad, even the good ones.

[Sophie_M]

Hi noapy

We’re really glad you could come to the forum to share this with our community. We know it isn’t easy to share something like this, but we think it’s a powerful step and we really appreciate your openness and bravery in sharing.

We’ve reached out to you privately to make sure you’re ok. If you want to reach out to our counsellors to talk this through, we’re on 1300 22 4636, and you can reach us online here. There’s also our friends over at the Suicide Call Back service on 1300 659 467, or Lifeline on 13 11 14.

We’d really recommend having a look at the Beyond Blue safety planning app. You can read about how it works and where to download it here. You can even call Lifeline and complete it with one of their counsellors over the phone if you'd like.

Please keep sharing your words on our forums. Many forum members may have experience with some of the challenges you mention and we think you will find great value in all of their kind and supportive responses.

Kind regards,

Sophie M