Broken Cancer Survivor. Im án ashamed mother and wife

[WishIwereSomeoneElse]

I am beyond desperate. I have a long life history of CPTSD from childhood trauma to being a victim of crime. I was raped by my ex. I met the love of my life but failed him. I lost 2 out of 5 of our babies. I am always sick.'I have 3 additional needs kids. I am a self-harmer & eating disorder. I cant even succeed in my suicide attempts. I recently battled Grade 3 triple-negative breast cancer. I survived but barely. I cannot cope. I am resisting the urge to hurt myself but I won't. I have 3 absolutely beautiful boys.I fought like hell for my life. I adore them and they need me. My husband&I have drifted apart. I feel so much shame over what I have done to him. He didn't know what he was in for marrying me. I made the "best thing that has ever happened to me" a shadow of himself. He had to keep the family going while I battled cancer. We lost our home and had to "couch surf" with family. We have been homeless ever since my diagnosis. We now live with my husbands side of the family to give my family a break. Living under the same roof with a family like mine, who has so many challenges causes major disturbance. I think I should leave. My husband cant stand me anymore. I see it in his eyes. He told me to go. Im destroying them. Honestly, I am. My husband said 6 words to me I will never forget "YOU HAVE HURT MY LIFE"... and God, it's so very true. I am so disappointed with how I have turned out. I know - deep down - that the greatest thing I could do for the ones I love, is to remove myself before more damage is done. I'm a crap magnet and don't want the boys to know what that is like. I have looked at free campgrounds near by so I can be near my boys. I have no money. I have nothing. I don't even have a car to sleep in. I just have the clothes on my back and the love in my heart for my children. I wished I could nourish the love in my heart that I have for my husband but I can't even look him in the eye. I'm such a disgusting disappointment. The best thing I can do is remove myself so that my beautiful family can pick up the pieces without me causing more disturbance, but I was the victim of a house invasion and have terrifying fears of the thought of camping by myself. I do not know one person here. Im in such deep deep dispair. Has ANYONE been in my position? Can anyone offer me a line of hope. I would never end it, because it would destroy my kids but Im so tortured and cant see daylight... I am shaking constantly. its horrible.

[Sophie_M]

Hey WishIwereSomeoneElse,

Thank you for your bravery and openness in sharing here. It sounds like you’re going through a really difficult time, and we can hear there's a lot of instability you're dealing with, as well as enormous challenges.

We can hear you've been having some thoughts about suicide, and you've been dealing with self-harm and an eating disorder. We’re reaching out to you privately to check you’re ok. In the meantime, we’d really encourage you to give our counsellors a call on the Beyond Blue Support Service. We are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636, and the team are really good at talking people through moments like this and working out options for more support. It's also worth talking to them about the housing insecurity you're dealing with. 

It’s really important that you are kind to yourself and keep yourself safe. Please remember that if you feel unsafe the number to call is 000. It also sounds like the Beyond Now suicide safety planning app may be a helpful resource to you. You can read about how it works and where to download it here. You can even call Lifeline on 13 11 14 and compete it together with one of their counsellors over the phone.

We can hear how much love you have for your family, and how much you care for them. We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you, and we’re sure they’ll spot your post soon enough and have some kind words and understanding for you.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[Karen0901]

I have not had the exact challenges you described but I can definitely understand your position. You are not alone.

I often feel like I ruined my husband's life due to the challenges I have brought into the marriage. The major one being 10 years of infertility but not the only one. My husband has never said to me that I ruined his life but there were times I knew he was thinking it. I have just always done my best to help him where I can and improve myself to the best of my ability. I make sure he knows how much I love and appreciate him. I also try to focus on what I bring to our relationship. I can assure you, you will be bringing things to the relationship. Think about it and identify areas you contribute. I suspect one of them will be looking after your children.

I have several times in my life thought there was no way forward for me in life. That my challenges were impossible to solve. I have always been wrong. I even have an attempted suicide that I keep in mind whenever I start thinking down that road. It was a mistake I don't want to repeat.

I recently had a bad turn where I also could not stop shaking. For days on end, until it became too much and I accessed acute mental health services. I encourage you to do the same. It didn't solve all my problems but it calmed me enough I could start the journey.

[geoff]

Hello WishIwereSomeElse, and reading your comment is very upsetting and does break my heart in what you are really struggling with.

I do understand that your marriage seems to be falling apart from the comments you've told us and sometimes there doesn't seem to be any light at the end of this, but we hope we can help you.

There is much you have personally had to go through and as an outsider t's been so traumatic for you, that there are times when our partner/spouse just doesn't understand and wants to wipe their hands of everything.

This is not the support you were hoping for and all you want is some compassion and positive direction which will help you.

You definitely can't blame any of this on yourself because it's not anything you could foresee in the future, no one could possibly predict any of this, unfortunately, it's all happened to you.

If you receiving any Centrelink payments, then you can apply for $1000 which you pay off in the next coming months, this might allow you to move into a caravan, alternatively if you make an apppointment with Anglicare, they may be able to provide you with a flat/house until you can pick yourself up.

They also have counselling and can also direct you to various different agencies for your appropriate help that's needed, I know they will look after you because that's what they did for me.

There are various different issues you need help with, and all are so important for you to try and cope with, and your boys is definitely one of these, but all the other issues are also very important, so if you are able to reply back to us, that would be good.

My best wishes.

Geoff. x

[therising]

WishIwereSomeoneElse

You are incredible to have come this far, truly incredible, without a doubt, given all you've been through. I wish you could see how incredible you really are, without depression interfering with the truth. You have faced so much heartbreak and I am glad to know that there are still people in your life (your kids) that keep your heart going. I am mum 2 of my own (16yo boy and 19yo girl) and know what a difference our kids can make at times. It may not be the life changing positively mind altering difference we need at times but it's enough of a difference to keep us going until we come to discover the ways that work.

Just when you feel you can't take anymore heartbreak or heartache, your husband says some of the most wounding words one could hear. I felt it, when I read those words, how hurtful they are. 'For better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health...'. It sounds like he's reached the height of his tolerance levels and that's not your fault. How has any of it been your fault, what you've faced in life? How is depression your fault, your ability to feel what is so depressing? Wouldn't anyone who's been through what you've been through feel how depressing it is? They would have to be completely emotionally detached not to feel the impact. None of it's your fault. None of it.

It's amazing how, when someone faces depression, it's not always obvious how people aren't raising them, bringing them up levels they can really feel, soulfully. There are people who can basically raise you, raise your consciousness, level of hope, your spirits and so on, but sometimes basically just doesn't cut it. Extremely, intensely, overwhelmingly, incredibly, mindalteringly and the list goes on - this is the kind of raising people need at times. And every time someone brings you down, you can feel it, you can feel it in your chest, in the way it just hits your heart and then rises up to your throat, where you just want to scream 'NONE OF THIS IS MY FAULT! I DON'T WANT TO FEEL THIS WAY! I DON'T WANT TO FEEL LIFE THROUGH THESE FEELINGS!' but you sob instead or screaming.

How do you want to feel life? Instead of worrying about not upsetting others or making their life difficult, how do you want to express your sadness, your anger, your disappointment? Do you want to feel free to express it? Do you need to? Perhaps a strange question but do you feel like a pressure cooker about to explode?

My heart goes out to you

[WishIwereSomeoneElse]

Thank you to you all for taking the time to kindly respond to my post. I don't blame my husband except that I wished he would hear my plea to get some support for himself. I actually have a therapist but I feel like everytime I make headway and feel a bit better, I crash down. Im aware of damage that my brain has incurred as a result of my health and cancer treatment. Im trying to cope with it all, but my husband he doesnt realise that he needs help too. He has had too much pressure and stress on him for too long. Then, when he cant hold it in anymore, he explodes. I am the only person in his life so, I cop it, but Im just not strong enough to cope. Im so sad that I am unable to be there for him the way he needs me to be. There is no such thing as perfection but that is what he subconsciously is looking for in me. I ask him to sit in on my psych sessions so he can understand, be on the same page and perhaps even get some gently guidance himself. I have even brought it up in front of him, to my therapist, that I wished he would access help too. His inability to cope is not conducive to my healing. She obviously can't comment coz she is there for me, but he holds it all in til he explodes. Its not fair on himself or us. He cant move ahead while he is like this. We drag each other down. When I feel like I am making headway, its his turn to spiral...so he gets angry at me. Im hard on myself and blame myself for everything. I am not afraid to apologise for literally everything because peace and harmony restored is so important to me. I just don't understand when he gets angry at me "out of the blue". He often uses my trauma, issues and brain deficit against me too. Im an open book but that makes me vulnerable to the tightly shut individual that he is. It just feels like, unless he gets better too; Im going to remain in this deep hole. Any suggestions as to how I can successfully urge him to get some councelling too? He will sit there watching a movie with me and sob if it is an emotional scene. He never got grief councelling when his mum died from a long and painful battle with dementia. He is so proud; he never apologises for anything. I KNOW he is a good man. He has done SO MUCH for me. But he also puts on a brave face for everyone (incl therapist) and it's all a mask. If he would get support, I just know we could get well together. We are tearing each other apart.I didn't ask for any of the bad things to happen to me. I wished he would understand that. :*(

[WishIwereSomeoneElse]

Thank you Sophie. I really appreciate the guidance. xx

[WishIwereSomeoneElse]

Thank you so much for taking the time to reach out to me with your story. It truly makes me feel less alone. I really wish that connections like this weren't under such circumstances though. my apologies for not being very proficient at this but I have not been on any forums before so I left a response elsewhere on this thread. I wish you so much joy and happiness moving forward into the future. xx

[WishIwereSomeoneElse]

Thank you so much for your response Geoff, I really appreciate the guidance. It's helpful and constructive. True, I definitely didn't ask for any of this. I try not to say "Why me?!??" because feeling sorry for yourself doesn't achieve anything but, as they say, "it happens".... I just wished it wasn't such a whopping load of it!!!

[WishIwereSomeoneElse]

You are right, I just don't want to wallow because I don't feel that it is a great path to healing but you are right. It's a fact. I didn't ask for any of this and I don't want to just learn to live with it and go through life being ok with being alive". Too many people have said to me "hey, you should be grateful.... at least you're alive!" and they are the ones who don't know what it's like to be that sick and terrified of dying. You described it perfectly, the feeling in your chest and up into your throat... gosh it's so true. I get the pressure cooker analogy. I have been there. Now, I just disassociate. I have the "empty shell" feeling where I am existing, not living. All I have left in my control is to give the ones I love, a wonderful quality of life that I haven't been afforded. xx