Bipolar Disorder Low's Causing Dark Thoughts

[mcc]

Hi and thank you to anyone who is reading this.

I am 26 and I suffer from Bipolar 2. I was diagnosed almost 3 years ago and I don't cope any better now than I did back then. I am definitely self aware now and no where near as reckless and chaotic when I am in my highs but none have been as crazy as before I was diagnosed and medicated.

My lows however are just as bad as they were the first time. I feel and think the worst and find it really hard to stay positive and I guess look for the light at the end of the tunnel. The thought of passing away is more ideal than it is scary. The best way to explain it would be that I dont care if I died. I know thats not the right way to feel but its so hard not to think that way and just know that it would stop all the pain and just crappy feeling.

I struggle to let out how bad I am mentally because I dont want the people around me to look after me anymore than they already do (Mum, Friends and Girlfriend). I visit my therapist pretty much fortnightly which is a big help but even her I cant tell her how much I think negative thoughts. I am embarrassed that I do feel this way. I message lifeline in the night sometimes to just kind of let it all out when I cant which I do feel helps a bit and because I dont know who is on the other end I dont feel bad for putting all my stuff onto somebody else. I guess this is kinda what I am doing here. so thank you so much to anyone who does read this. 

I just really need help as to how to completly open up to my therapist and the ones who care about me and tell them how bad I really am doing. I just need help and feel helpless.

Thanks and I am sorry if this doesnt make sense.
M

[therising]

Hi mcc

I wish there was something I could say in order to make a huge difference to you at such an incredibly torturous time. I feel for you so much, given the pain and upset you're facing right now.

I've found self awareness, something you mention having gained regarding your highs, is such an ongoing thing. From the age of about 3 or 4 it seems to start and never stop. If we live to 100, even at the age of 100 and with our last breath we'll gain a moment of greater self awareness, under the circumstances. So, I suppose the question becomes 'How do I develop self awareness between the ages of 3 and 100, especially during the seriously torturous times?'. Another way of putting it could be 'How do I gradually become more conscious without it completely doing my head in at times?'. As a 53yo gal, still at this age I find I have times where I can't become more conscious without help from others. So, if I want to become more aware of why I'm feeling so unbelievably down, I have to express how down I actually am, so that those who can help me can begin wondering at a relevant level or to the right degree...

A sense of wonder is highly underrated. When others begin wondering with us, they can help with wondering about all our possible triggers (including some we're yet to become conscious of). They can begin wondering about exactly what emotions or feelings are in play (including the ones we're not at all conscious of). They might wonder about what our inner dialogue sounds like, which could be a part of the problem (including dialogue we're not fully conscious of). And they might begin wondering about what it is that appears as a solution or part solution when it comes to our next step forward (leading us toward a path we're not entirely conscious of, a path we just can't see through our imagination). Through being left alone to wonder, we may never become fully aware of all the things that lead us to suffer so much.

While I used to think at times 'Why am I so depressed?', I came to gradually change the kind of self questioning that really doesn't help matters. Not sure if it sounds familiar: Besides 'Why am I so depressed?', there's 'What's wrong with me?', 'Why am I so broken?', 'Why am I so hopeless?' etc etc. It's more so become 'What am I not aware of that I need to become aware of?', 'What is it that I can't see that I need to be able to see?' and 'Why can't I see it, through an imagination (with all its imagery) that works so brilliantly at times?'. 'What facet of me is in play and what facet needs to be in play, under the circumstances?' is another one. If my harsh and brutal depressing inner critic is in play, it can sound like 'You will never get better, you'll always suffer. Face it, you're broken'. On the other hand, my inner sage may suggest 'If this challenge has come to test you, what is the test on this particular occasion?'. At the moment, while I'm in a massive down swing, I still haven't completely worked out what it's all about. I know what part of it's about but 'part' is not enough to take me out of the down swing. With a significant revelation, I know I'll feel the up swing. I can't deny that I'm definitely feeling tested in a number of ways. Do you think a part of your test involves being completely honest about how you're feeling the intensity of the depression?