BEYOND BELIEF

JRFOXIE · ‎01-11-2021

I am depressed and distraught. My 80 yr old father is in hospital with abdominal pain and an unidentified infection. Two nights ago my narcissistic , alcoholic brother phoned him and told him he was thinking and doing everything wrong. My brother kept pushing until my father snapped and started arguing back. In the end my father hung up and collapsed in a heap with pain. My brother rang back and my mother grabbed the phone. My brother kept up the argument with my mother. By the end of the call my mother was shaking. I decided enough was enough. I blocked his phone number on both of their phones and sent him a message stating that there would be a hiatus in communication for 30 days. He had that time to learn to be compassionate,kind and respectful toward our parents.As they have always had his back. Last night my mother and I had returned from visiting my father and my mother went out the front. The next thing I could hear yelling. I opened the door and walked outside. My brother had used another phone and called my mother.He was screaming at her and arguing. Then she started yelling at me saying I had blocked my brother's number and how dare I make that decision. I unblocked the number and then she accused me of telling the hospital to say my father wasn't there when my brother rang. I don't have that authority it was somebody typing in the wrong name or misspelt name. Then she started having a go at me for seeking treatment for my mental illness. My entire family are too thick to comprehend that depression can and does last longer than 2-6wks. I've tried to educate them and they believe they are all an authority on the subject - I should be over it by now and all I need is hard work ! My mother is to have a major surgery before the end of the year so I have to care for my father whilst she is in hospital and then both of them when she is discharged. There are no family members in QLD and neither my brother or sister would dream of coming up here to help out. I feel like I'm suffocating and I'm in a never ending hamster wheel.One that guarantees if I seek treatment in January because I'm getting suicidal I will just receive a verbal bashing from my family for daring to do that.

Sophie_M · ‎01-11-2021

Hey JRFOXIE,

Welcome back to the Beyond Blue forums,

We're so sorry to hear about what's been occurring within your family. It sounds as though it's been a very stressful time. Having your father in the hospital and the added tension of your brother arguing with your parents must be exhausting for your wellbeing. We're also sorry to hear your parents arent supportive or understanding of your depression. We can imagine how much more difficult this would make your recovery journey. We're really glad you've come to the forums to seek advice and feedback. Please know that seeking treatment and support for your depression and thoughts of suicide is so important and that you're doing the right thing for yourself and the people around you.

If you don't have many friends where you are at the moment, we'd suggest joining some local support groups or parent groups. You can find information on support groups is available on the Black Dog Institute site here - https://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/resources-support/support-groups/

Please remember to reach out when you're feeling overwhelmed and needing to talk it through. You're never alone. In these moments you can get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

We hope that you keep checking in to let us know how you're going, whenever you feel up to it.

geoff · ‎01-11-2021

Hello JRFOXIE, from what you've told us this must be a very distressing situation and won't be any help to your own problems.

Depression doesn't just last 2-6 weeks, it can last for years, especially if no help is obtained, I know myself it lasted years.

This is an awkward situation you're in, and can I ask, and only answer if you want to, what is your brother actually after, I could surmise, but that wouldn't be appropriate because looking after your mother and father is a huge job and not addressing your own problems.

Please get back to us when you can.

Geoff.

Isabella_ · ‎01-11-2021

Hi there,

It sounds like you and your family are under extreme amounts of stress. Having the responsibility of caring for your family while dealing with your own mental health issues is hard enough. Not having their support and them telling you to "get over it" would make things a lot more painful, I'm sorry that you've had your depression be dismissed and minimised. I'm glad you shared your story here. I hope you know that your mental health is valid, and you're incredibly strong for seeking treatment despite the discouragement and lack of support from your family members. Seeking treatment for your depression is an amazing strength and step that you've taken. I'm so sorry that your family has tried to make you feel weak or ashamed for that.

Based on what you've written, from the sounds of things you made a decision to protect yourself and your parents from more emotional and physical harm by blocking your brother, and I don't think you did the wrong thing by any means. I know I may not know the full story.. But from an outsider looking in, that's what I see.

I hope that once the situation is de-escalated, and perhaps your parents have had more time to think and process everything eventually, they will understand the decision you made. It sounds like emotions are at an all time high and things are very hostile, and sadly people aren't really in the space to think things out logically.

You mentioned that you feel suffocated, and I see the same thing. I hope you can be patient and accepting of yourself by realising that you are under a lot of stress and responsibility to care for your family. Maintaining and treating your mental health should be a big priority of yours, especially under these extreme circumstances.

You mentioned that you've been getting suicidal lately.. I'm wondering how you would feel about reaching out to Lifeline or another service as Sophie has mentioned if you feel like these thoughts get too much or that you might act on them?

You aren't selfish for putting yourself first. You can't be a support system for everyone else if your mental health is suffering, and no one should expect that of you.

Again, thank you for sharing your story on here. I'd love to hear from you. I hope you're taking care.