Am I really suicidal

[Adele80]

Hi,

I recently lost my best friend, my beautiful, loving and kind mum in March of this year. I wish I had died with her. We communicated daily, she was always there for me and I for her.

I am 41 years old, no kids. I am already on anti-depressants for depression/anxiety/PTSD. Resultant of earlier childhood trauma and teenage issues.

I was mums carer for the last 18months since she was diagnosed with cancer. I spend my waking hours (which is a lot as I can only seem to manage sleep from about 5am to 9am), just being tremendously sad and crying and wishing she was here, or that I was with her. I have suicidal thoughts. However, I feel if I was going to commit suicide I would have already done it. I also feel that as I am a person who loves organising/planning things to the last detail that the fact I have a suicide plan all worked out is not that much of a risk indicator for me, as I love to plan many things even if I never do them (ex: holidays, house renovations). I guess what I am asking is, is my suicidal thoughts just a cry for help/attention or do I really think I could kill myself? I just don’t know how to live without my mum, life doesn’t seem right/good anymore without her in it. Thanks for any replies.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Adele80,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums, 

We're so sorry to hear about the passing of your mother. We can't imagine how much pain and hurt this would cause you. We know our community members will relate to your experiences of loss and will be able to talk through these emotions with you. 

We'd recommend getting in touch with Griefline - 1300 845 745. GriefLine provides counselling support services free of charge to individuals who are experiencing loss and grief. One of the friendly counsellors can offer you some support but also provide you with advice and referrals for seeing a counsellor in a more ongoing way. 

In addition to this, there are always counsellors available via phone for your most difficult moments. One 24/7 service includes Lifeline on 13 11 14 or via webchat (available 7pm-12am) which you can access through the link provided: https://www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help/Online-Services/crisis-chat 

We also want to let you know that our Support Service is trying to reach out to you via email as we are worried about you.

We're really grateful that you decided to reach out here tonight. Hopefully, a few of our community members will come by to welcome you and show their support. 
 

[Jen_W]

Hi Adele80 -

First, I'd like to say that I'm so sorry to hear about the passing of your mum. Losing someone so dear to you can be so difficult, and I understand - I lost my mum when I was just 26.

I totally get that you must be experiencing confusing thoughts about how you're feeling. I think it's pretty normal to feel all kinds of emotions when you lose someone that you love, and it sounds like you're struggling to make sense of it all. That's completely understandable!

I agree with Sophie's thoughts about contacting Griefline, or reaching out to someone that will support you, and just listen. In the past when I was suicidal, or when I'm feeling depressed, I find it quite helpful to reach out to someone that will listen with an open heart and open ears.

Talking through how you're feeling can be a great start. And of course, you can always come back here as well for a chat.

Thanks for being brave and reaching out here. Be well and let us know how you're going.

[Jen_W]

Hi Adele80 -

I'm just checking in - how are you today? The sun is out today in Sydney (though we had some rain earlier) and it's nice to feel the warmth during winter.

I hope that you are doing ok and please do come talk to us here on the forums if you feel like sharing.

Sending you my best,

Jen

[LJpd81]

I'm really sorry to hear about your mum. Many hugs sent your way. Very brave of you to post.