I've noticed for some time my tendency to dwell...on my ills and making excuses for too many things that are caused by bipolar, anxiety, depression or dysthymia.
So these excuses are like a glue on my brain that seems to forever be stuck in my ways. For example- A friend recently told me- "do you sleep much better with a CPAP machine? (he knows I've had sleep apnea), to which I replied yes, much better but I suspect I will never sleep well due to my anxiety history.
What rubbish that was! And the reason it was is because apart from a slight relapse last week I haven't had anxiety for 6-7 years.
Another example- My wife asked me in conversation - "You look tired today, did you sleep well"? I replied "no I didn't but I could be entering a depressive episode". Rubbish also because speculation isn't fact.
I know the reasons why I resort to these excuses- fear, insecurity and the huge ramifications my disorders have place don my life over the last 18 years of treatment not to mention the harrowing life I had emotionally prior to that for decades. It is tattooed on my mind that nearly everything that happens in my life has a mental illness factor attached to it.
Time for some reality. Some time ago I wrote a thread called (use google) Beyondblue topic is it your illness or your personality ….wher eI discuss some of this topic.
I've realized it is time to move on, not from my illnesses but from the tagging of my illnesses to what could be everyday events like feeling tired...simply because I dreamt a lot or went to bed late or my dog took most of our bed! The correct perspective I'm embarking on now is the next step, we all need to continue to keep stepping forward and never stop stepping on those stones to get to the other side.
I'm going to leave my blaming on my mental illnesses to the obvious symptoms now. The moods swings, the depression, the chest pains and the high emotions can be grouped in there but not the everyday irregularities humans have.
It's time the separate the two. Fact and fiction. Memories or dwelling. Tiredness or older age. For me it is time to clarify and move on.
Are you ready for the next step in your recovery?
TonyWK
