Who is that in the mirror?

[Romes88]

Hi all,

I have had 2 kids who are beautiful and I love being words, but since having them I have lost every part of myself. They are 4 and 1 and everyday all day is consumed with them or other adult things that need to be done, with zero time for myself.

I had 2 C sections, my body is so different, I can't move the weight and I'm too tired to do anything about it. My mind is fried, I overthink everything, worry I'm not doing enough or failing, can't take jokes from my husband anymore and feel like I've been turned into this nagging depressed housewife. I used to enjoy a drink with friends as a good time, but now I just don't know when to stop and start fights with my husband about all the things I've bottled up.... so they come out in the most negative way. So now I'm also hurting him.

How do I get out of this?!

[Amelia02]

Hi Romes88,

Are you a full time stay at home mother? If so the root cause of this "natural" position for a woman in a nuclear family may be systemic. That's often a job that has no knock off time, overload - are you expected to take care of 2 little ones all on your own and do the housework and cooking too?, there are more facets to you than a mother and carer and these facets need attention too, probably loads of other reasons related to this - if undiluted - role that can cause pathology.

I'm not qualified but are you succumbing to depression?

Talk to you GP and if need be a psychologist. You may have to reconfigure your role to care for yourself better.

Make an appointment with your GP if you can, take care, A

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Romes88,

Welcome and thank you for joining us. I'm so glad you decided to post and I'm sorry to hear how much you are struggling.

While I'm not a mum, one of the things I was thinking while reading your post was burnout. Being a mum isn't easy, and I hope other mums can jump in here who are in the same boat. But it's a (unpaid!) role that's go go go.

I do believe that you're doing enough as a mum and as a wife, but I wonder if maybe you need to take some care of yourself with a bit of kindness? I'm not sure what that looks like but you've definitely done the right thing by reaching out.

Please let us know how we can support you and thanks again for reaching out to us.

rt

[Romes88]

Yes I had an appt with a GP yesterday to try and start the ball rolling. I honestly think I am slipping into depression. I used to be able to function and get everything done, even if a bit stressed, but now I'm losing the will do even bother trying and just permanently have a sick feeling in my gut.

[Amelia02]

I’m glad you made a start seeing your gp. Hopefully you are on course to sort out the problem. A constant sick feeling tells you that something is wrong and has to change.
Just remember, you are not the one “at fault” here, you’re ill and need care. I hope those around you are supportive - husband etc (children can’t do much).

Keep checking in at this forum if you want to, hope you get some good change soon, A

[Earth Girl]

Apparently the hardest part of having children (other than having to wake up at night) is that you don't have much time for yourself any more and so it makes sense that you are acting the way you do. Some people talk down to others for not being able to take a joke, but they don't understand that the person could just be going through a hard time and that is why they take things too seriously. It's also easy to bottle your feelings up and so people don't understand you when you explode over things that seem little because they don't know what's really going on.

Is there anything you and your children can do together that you both really enjoy? If you enjoy doing your hair and makeup, you could buy them some pretend makeup so they can pretend to put it on while you do yours. You can ask them if they would like to "help" you do some of the cleaning, etc.

If possible, I think it would be good if you and your husband could work out a schedule so that some days you can go to work and he can stay at home with the children and vice verser. I would also advice asking your husband if you can have a talk sometime soon about how you are having a hard time and then open up to him about how you're really feeling and why you now act out the way you do at times. If you set a time for it, it will make it easier for it to actually happen instead of having to keep bottling up all your feelings and not knowing when you are going to explode.

[therising]

Hi Romes88

You're doing a much better job of things than what you imagine, believe me. This is exactly what I'd tell my younger struggling self who had a 4yo daughter and 1yo son. They're 19 and 16 now. Time flies. I'd also tell my younger self 'You've entered into the biggest learning curve of your life, through the course of motherhood. People won't tell you how triggering, stressful or depressing it can be sometimes but, rest assured, it will be the making of you'.

Can relate to drink being somewhat of an emotional regulator, reducing the stress and the triggering internal dialogue that can come with a depression. If there's one thing alcohol fails to do - it fails to suppress the parts of us that are desperate to come out, such as that furious sense of self that feels ripped off about so much.

I know it might feel impossible to relate to right now but when you mention having lost every part of yourself, is it possible to see this in a way where you could consider 'I'm going through the most intense re-formation of my life'? I believe motherhood becomes a bit of test to see which parts of us we can consciously bring to life. Btw, I've found there have been parts of me that have come to life not so consciously but rather suddenly and shockingly, when forced into existence

• 'The intolerant ranting maniac' ensures strategies or policies are firmly set in place. She may sound a little like 'I can't stand this anymore. I need more time out and I shouldn't have to ask you, their father, if you can babysit your own children! Try being a volunteer!'. I smile as I remember those days. Gee they were triggering
• As 'The commander' comes to life (btw, the commander doesn't nag), they may sound a little like 'For god's sake, start doing more around the house. This is your house too!'. Let's add a 'Come on soldier, get your act together!'
• And as 'The kid' in us begins to come to life more, we might hear the occasional 'This is not fair. I don't want to be a grown up anymore. This is too hard!'. I still have those days, where I'm channeling the kid in me. The bonus is the kid in me now has a car and money (there are benefits to being an adult).
• As 'The strategist' comes to life, they'll pick everything we're doing 'wrong', in order to make improvements
• I love 'The sage'. When I stand in front of the mirror, occasionally criticising the physical form I now take, the sage in me will remind me 'This incredible amazing body of yours grew life within it twice' 🙂