Who cries over spilt milk?

[white knight]

That's the saying. "You're crying over spilt milk".  It implies you are hanging onto something that should have been forgotten about many moons ago.  The guilt. The shame. The anger of something past.  If you are one of these people then you have also likely been told "get over it". But I've never seen tablets for sale with the words "get over your guilt with one tablet a day". So what do we do to rid ourselves from guilt?

There are a number of things you can do to assist in the process of these demonic forms of baggage.   -

Time-  time is a great healer.  It means you accept that the issue will remain fresh in your mind until a certain amount of time passes. The amount of time depends on the person and the issue. But acceptance by you that time is needed is an encouraging step.

Perspective- When young, at childs age, we tend to exaggerate incidences. This is quite normal. When we grow up sometimes we hang onto those explosions of fact. This can remain in our minds as bigger than what they really were.  Or smaller too than what they were. Accurate perspective is required and sometimes this is only possible with psychiatric treatment. Correct perspective on a smaller scale however starts with ultimate honesty internally. It is a beginning.

Forgiveness.  So much time might have passed whereby seeking forgiveness from someone isnt in your best interests. On the other hand seeking forgiveness by a parent to their child might well be in order not only to help with your guilt but to help your child mend. Consider forgiveness from you or to another person. If your efforts were in vain at least you have taken a step towards mending your own ills

Accepting you are human.  We all make mistakes. Some are unforgivable like sexual harm to a child. Other than those unforgivable acts many mistakes can be redeemed. But one should also accept that if you did the best you could at a certain time in your life then try to accept that. This is where you have to think things through.

Therapy.  Giving burden to you immediate family isnt fair on them. If you can seek therapy then you are seeking the assistance of someone trained in that field.  Try it.

Forums. Beyond Blue are anonymous. There is also plenty of reading on such topics there.  That's their advantage.

Guilt can eat you up.  It can consume you. There is no need to cry over spilt milk. Find ways of dealing with it. Crying over spilt milk is one thing suffering or ruining your life over it is another.

       WK

[JessF]

I'm just starting to come out of a two-day fog that has its origins in crying over spilt milk. It has been a nasty couple of days. The thoughts have been very dark, but I have managed them. A year ago I couldn't have done this. 

Perspective and acceptance are the greatest healers for me. Not to fight against the feelings, beause if you have been betrayed or hurt by someone then of course those feelings are not going to disappear. It would be like falling over and getting angry because there's a bruise.

A song came on the radio yesterday that matched my situation, and it was enough to lift the fog just a little. It reminded me I am not the first person to go through this, and I won't be the last. The humiliation and anger I was feeling are not going to define me. They are just another episode of life that will seem insignificant years from now. Like so many others before it.

Thank you white knight.

[Neil_1]

Hey WK

Another awesomely created thread by your good self.

The only time I’ve ever cried over spilt milk was when my son as a young tacker, spilt his milk on a Saturday morning breakfast time.  It went all over my raceguide … I cried but also was angered as well.  Was that wrong to send him to his room?

Neil

[Neil_1]

Hi gang;

Ok ok, I was kidding about my last post – especially the part about sending him to his room.  Phew, glad I cleared that up.

All those images you’ve painted are really worthwhile and well worded.

And it’s a lot of these things I feel that possibly affects a lot of us.  I know for me that things that have happened in the past are just in my mind pretty much insurmountable (in that, I’ll never get over them – hope that was the right use of that word).

And things like that leave you scarred – that’s where time heals all wounds – and my play on that is:  time will heal a wound;  but what is then left is a scar.  And depending on the size of the wound, that will determine the amount of scarring there is.  And so, though you’re no longer wounded every day and hurting every day, you have the scar there to remind you always of what it was that led you down that path.

Neil

[Guest5643]

Hi white night. I'm not sure why you led me to this topic. Maybe I've misread it? Maybe I'm meant to feel guilty and there's something wrong with me for not feeling guilty

[white knight]

Hi

Not at all. Crying over spilt milk means repeating thoughts and regrets to the point that you suffer guilt over it. Suffering guilt over past decisions is ok to a point as it stops us repeating the same mistakes but if we have learned that then excessive guilt feelings only effect your health causing more suffering.

Thats from my experience

TonyWK

[white knight]

Hi all,

Dwelling should be classified as a separate illness!

As a young boy onwards my mother would dig up issues from the past in particular any subject that involved family disputes. In my workplace years later work colleagues would respond to me "are you still talking about that- it's a long time ago- get over it!" Those words "get over it" stuck...and within the embarrassment of the logic of hanging onto past resolved issues, I indeed got over issues better, but not completely.

Some incidents remain and it is an example of not being able to rid my cyclonic mind from stewing over them.

So I'm mentioning this because I feel some members might feel bad because they cannot rid their minds of issues totally in particular issues of trauma. A broken marriage, close person passed away or employment incident are all good examples of not being able to stop the effects of spilt milk.

If that is the case for you and you have tried hard, introduced distractions and counseling and you are frustrated with those bad memories hanging around your guilt factor needs attention.

Introducing - GUILT the tormentor

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/guilt-the-tormentor-

Comments welcome

TonyWK

[Guest5643]

Hi tony.

You said in guilt the tormentor 'do you think you need her permission to live without fear,' to do with your narcissistic mum.

That struck a massive cord with me. Even though my mum is passed away i am still waiting permission from her to tell me its ok. Ive been riddled with guilt for so long for being angry with her for her wrong doings because ive done so many wrong things. She grabbed my arm begged me for help the day she passed away and i ignored her and walked away. By the time i walked back she had collasped. I was in a bad mood that day and i genuinly had no idea what was going on. I had no intention of ever mentioning that but now emotions have flooded out.

[white knight]

Hi Lynne,

Ok, now I know why you answered in the trigger thread. Oh Lynne, now I know what you are feeling and why you have been effected. I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

When events occur we should try to make sense out of it when trauma follows. In your case- a seesaw could have emotion/self blame on one side and rationality/realism on the other. Emotion goes up, being realistic goes down, it lessens. We can afford emotionally to push reality away.

Counselors, psychologists etc can spend time sorting that out to a level of acceptance that enables you to continue in life to an acceptable level of happiness. Someone else that was in your shoes that fateful day might think "well I'm not to blame" and never consider they were at fault at all. So, why do you?

I'm guessing, because for whatever real cause, you have a fragile heart, guilty concionce and blame yourself.

In my experience you are the type of person that feels they never do the right thing when at all times realistically you do your best and your best should always be good enough for others and you.

Excess criticism has led to self doubt. Its a scar. Place those rocks of doubt in a bag...and throw them in a river.

This is for you.

NO CRYSTAL BALL

(To Lynne)

In that flood of tears you grieve

There is a bond with that pain

Mother and daughter and opinions differ

But it would again

But we arent perfect as human beings

Your mistakes are part of you

That day you couldnt predict the future

She has forgiven you

As you wonder what could have been

If you had your time again

But you cant be blamed nor tormented

And pile on your pain

You did what you felt was best

No crystal ball in store

She's hoping you can hear her now

Dont blame yourself ...anymore...

Tony

Whiteknight

Beyond blue

[Guest_9610]

WK

What a reply to had posted to Helium!!

You certainly havent much compassion for someone who's reaching out for some conslance. WK you may be a Champion on BB Forums for many years but that doesn't give anyone the right to be so judgemental.

We're all here to encourage each other..

Regards

Amielle