When the help gets sick

[Cold_Mirror]

I think you guys will understand this. I tried talking to a friend last night, but I'm not sure that he gets it.

As I'm leaving therapy this year, I've been making a list of people and things that I can rely upon when I need short-term help. One of the people is my gp who always gives me the time I need and is a great listener. He has buckets of compassion and is sometimes better than some psychologists. He took some long service leave earlier in the year and I kept hearing that he's not back even though the return date was sometime in June. The receptionist told me yesterday that he is ill and may not be back for another two months. I know there are other sources of help for me, but I felt very sad and a bit scared. It must be something horrible to need that much sick leave. I pretended all afternoon that everything was normal, but I went home and cried. I also ate a lot of ice cream, although I know that is not the best way of dealing with my emotions. I could cry now, but I need to get ready for work. I think I need to put aside some time to just cry it out.

I know that all relationships end either because people go away or die. It's life. Part of my problem is that I had a lot of significant people die on me when I was younger - especially males. That makes me a bit more sensitive about possible losses. I am not greatly religious, but I said prayers and lit a candle last night for him. He is only 59. I had been mentally preparing for the retirement, but not for anything beyond that.

I am grateful that I have a few more therapy sessions left. I am also grateful for everyone here.

Okay, now I am crying. At least crying is helpful, whereas ice cream is just ice cream.

I don't know whether this belongs in the bereavement part of the forum, because no-one has actually passed yet. ...

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Cold_Mirror,

I can relate very much. I've been seeing my GP for a few years now and he was the one who stood by my side when things got rough; then all of a sudden, he passed away. It was incredibly difficult - and yes, it's true that people don't quite understand. They are more than just 'Doctors'; they are a huge part of our life and our team.

It sounds like you are doing very well; I would be knee deep in that icecream - although I'm a chocolate lover so that's my saving grace. I think the most important thing is just recognising and appreciating just how much they were there for you and how grateful we are to have good people on our team. If your GP comes back; that's wonderful, and if not - that's still okay too. Either way you'll still have all the skills on your back and other people on your team that are sticking by you.

[Cold_Mirror]

Hi romantic_thi3f.

Thank you so much for your reply. It helps to know that there is someone out there who gets it.

I'm so sorry about your gp. Those sudden losses are such a shock and there is no time to prepare. I hope that you have some good people who were able to support you through it.

I walked around today as though in two universes at the same time - one that was normal and functional and the other that was sick with apprehension.

I wouldn't blame my doctor if he decides to retire when he's well again (I have to say when rather than if). So it may be a different sort of ending ... I can only wait and see what happens.

Thanks again.

[Cold_Mirror]

I have to see another doctor at the practice on Monday to get my psychologist's referral extended. I just want to hold it together while I'm there.

[Guest_322]

Hi,

I think romantic_thi3f wrote a really empathic response. In many ways, she/he said it all. Romantic_thi3f "gets it" and having someone who gets it can make all the difference.

You and your GP had a great connection; he sounded like he was really in your corner when you needed it most. He was/is a wonderful doctor and listener, and the news of his illness must have hit you like a tonne of bricks. Not knowing what's going to happen to him must be terrifying.

While eating ice-cream wasn't how you would have liked to have dealt with the situation; maybe it was what you needed to do at the time. And I think that's okay if that's what you needed to do. Be gentle on yourself.

I hope things go smoothly on Monday for you. Let us know how things go and keep posting if it helps.

[Cold_Mirror]

Hello Dottie. You really are a lovely lady. Thank you for looking in on me.

Sometimes I think I'm alright and then I feel unsettled. If I knew why he needs such a lot of sick leave ... well, I don't know if it would help or not. As it is, I keep imagining dreadful scenarios.

He has been there for me through thick and thin. There are things that he's said over the last 9 years that have made a big difference to my mental well being. There are times I've cried and cried with him and he said it's okay to do that and to come back if I need to cry again. Not many people have been that tolerant.

In many ways life is normal and I'm okay, but that in itself feels very surreal/alien sometimes.

Time to go to bed with a comforting book. There are books that I read over and over again. They soothe me.

[Guest_322]

Thanks, that was very kind of you to say 😊

It's hard not to imagine the worst case scenario when you're not only left guessing, but you have had so much loss in your life.

Wow, it takes a very strong person to be unafraid of another's tears. You didn't have to always cry alone when you had him. I can see why he is so important to you- he was your rock in many ways.

I hope reading gives you some much needed comfort tonight. Take care.

[Cold_Mirror]

Thanks, Dottie. ❤️

I survived the appointment today with the other GP. My usual doctor's door was wide open with the light on. It was eerie. People were ringing for him while I was in the waiting room. I felt sorry for the receptionist who had to explain to everyone that Dr V is away for at least two months. One person in the actual waiting room said, ' I want my doctor.' At least I did not feel alone. All I could get out of the doctor I saw was that Dr V has to recover. I had terrible thoughts this morning, so 'recover' was better than my dark thoughts.

I still feel sad, but I can only wait. There are some things I'm doing that my doctor recommends for stressful times. E.g. Exercise.

hoping for a happy ending for him. 😏